Majority Does Not Rule

The other night I went to my favorite club for the first time in probably 2 months or so and to tell you the truth, it was a big letdown for me. The main reason I went is so I could dance. I love to dance and since I'm adamant here lately about getting myself into regular cardio with the spin class and cycling after my workouts, I felt a need to get back out and start dancing again (the music and hot guys don't hurt either).

But boy was I wrong, just like the last time I went a few months ago, attendance was down to at least a quarter of what it used to be (very light crowds). The amateur show which was usually overflowing with interested young drag queens had been cancelled on both occasions and the regular cast performed on their own. Not that it's a bad thing, just shows that that the interest either isn't there anymore or they've moved on elsewhere. Not only that, but I was the only fricken person dancing on the floor until the hour before close. So depressing.

I also had an ethical dilemma going on...so here's the backstory in a nutshell:

-favorite club is the oldest in city and resides very close to the University.
-University builds new student apartments and parking garage basically on the club's backdoor. Ever since this happened I've been very uncomfortable walking to the club ...an awful short walk for any college brats with a thing against gay bois to prove whatever it is they wanna prove.
-There was an attempt by the university to buy the property but i think that fell through.
-Management tried to clean up it's ghetto-Babylonisque atmosphere (QAF reference) by posting rules governing clothing oneself and what you couldn't wear in the bar.
-Since then attendance has been down and the club has been hurting financially.

Besides all that, I've come to find the straight crowd kinda...taking over. Easily being the majority. The best of which were 4 straight valley girls taking up the dance floor and fraternizing with the local wildlife in that "petting zoo" fashion. I can just hear them the next day, "we got to dance with a gay guy last night, omg!!" Six of them, dancing in a circle and giggling at the surroundings.. "I can't believe we're here!".. that kinda thing. Bah, forgive my whining.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind the straight folk enjoying our place of entertainment, but when they're the majority...there's something wrong. I don't know, I may need to start frequenting another club but that's a hard decision for me. This bar has been there for me for as long as I've been out. I've had so many memories take place there. It has always felt safe and very much like I was in a family atmosphere. Safe is still there, but the atmosphere has changed for me. I feel like a minority again and I shouldn't have to accept feeling that way. Vouching for acceptance in a place where I've always had that is a step I won't want to take.

It may seem that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill or expounding on a couple of isolated instances but I rarely ever get the opportunity to go out much anymore and the nights I have gone out have been very similar to this instance. Either my timing is on par or this has been a consistent thing.

I think I'll take Russ' advice and try the Rainbow Club next. It's kinda homey in a small pub type atmosphere and is bound to have way more gay life than the Carousel has had as of late. Or maybe Kurt's, they have an awesome outside seating area and this is a good time of year to take advantage of that. In fact, I think I'll do that.

Distraction - My Favorite Word

It's funny how things work at times. The last few days it's been kinda hard for me to put a post together and it's made me think of my past and present blogs, and what it was that helped me stay focused.

I remember when I was taking classes at UT Knoxville and there were those times when had 2-3 hours in between classes. You know those times when the only options you had were early classes and late classes because all the ones with decent hours got snatched up. Anyways, I hate driving in the first place, nonetheless make a 45minute drive 4 times a day...so I would kill time in one of the computer labs spread around the campus.

Posts seemed to flow so freely from that space. Maybe it was that kinda silence one can only achieve in a library/lab type atmosphere? The silently hum of the air conditioning, the tapping of nearby keyboards, the clacking of people refilling the copiers with paper and softly greeting each other. Was it the emanations of intelligent (or pseudo-intelligent for some) thought that seeped into me to help push me into my own.

The more I think about it, I believe it all comes down to distractions. The atmosphere of those computer labs and the serene way it allowed me to free my thoughts and competently write them was accomplished because I was able to free myself from distraction.

The humming, whispering, tapping and clacking were there the whole time, but they were just background noise. They lingered just close enough to remind me that I was still in the real world, but my mind was able to filter all this out and concentrate on putting down the words I wanted on the proverbial electronic paper.

Fast forward to right now. For the last 3 days I've had great ideas for blog entries. I'd sit down, start writing (making some decent progress in some) and then it would all go blank. Just like the floor was pulled out from under me. And this bothered me.

Where I currently type has way too many distractions. With the television and random conversation going between our roommate and the beau, it's usually too loud to filter and of it without losing my train of though.

I find myself wishing I had a laptop and could just wander out into the backyard, sit down underneath the tree there and type with the full knowledge it would flow easier that way. But that's not going to happen, so what else can I do to give myself that kind of environment.

What I've come up with seems to be working. I may not be able to filter the noise around me, but I can dampen it. My mind also seems to be less prone to distraction when I'm listening to music, particularly house/trance/etc. So while I'm typing I pop on the Itunes, and listen to music and i've effectively revisited the computer lab experience in a different but oddly similar way. Similar in the fact that it's allowing me the same focus. I'm very happy with this rationalization and "band-aid."

I know, I know. A post about posting, not too exciting but believe me I have like 3 unfinished posts to complete.

Bear with me, there's more to come! :D

Travis Wall

I have to say that I really love YouTube. After finding those videos of Ricky, I decided to see what I could find on my favorite from last year, Travis Wall. He was so hot and talented. He's got a great future ahead of him. These vids help me to remember how much I loved him. :P

Saying Goodbye to Ricky pt2

Saying Goodbye to Ricky

No, no, no. Of course I go and have to curse my favorite in the competition by promoting him from the start.



My boy Ricky was chosen to leave the competition tonight...and I am sooo disappointed and sad. It surprised how they felt his routine fell short of that breaker latin boy who relied on his floor spinning to save him. I know personality is an assett (much like with Benji last year) but the technique and diversity of routine needs to be there.

Ah, just let me vent and it will pass. He was so fricken hot and talented. Anyone that has any screen caps of the boy please send them my way! His experience on the show was way too short. *cry* Please aid me in honoring the premature exit of Ricky.

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As for the update in my world. Russ' went to the doctor a few days ago to find out what's wrong with his back. He's had two back and one neck surgery in the past and after viewing his xray results, he's found that he has a bulging disc pinching a nerve directly above the two discs he had already had surgery on.

He needs to get a ton of bloodwork done before there's a date for the operation, but hopefully this will bring the old Russ back and the prospect he'll start watching himself. He's not a young man anymore and needs to take care of his body. He's strongwilled and pig-headed and asking for help is not always easy for him, but hopefully I'll be able to help him past this.

This workweek has been exhausting for me. Resetting a number of departments in the store and working a full shipment today has left me real tired. I haven't been to the gym this week but I'll definitely be there tomorrow. Since I stayed an hour and a half over yesterday that means that I'll get to go home earlier tomorrow. Heck yeah! I've missed the gym.

I've really began to feel good about myself and my body. My clothes are fitting me so much better and it's bringing me new confidence in myself.

So, needless to say, I'm dissapointed in myself for not going this week. But, by gosh, I've been so tired. Anyways, have a good night all.

If It Were My Choice...

Alrighty, as any of my friends will know, I love "American Idol" but I rarely blog about it, but when it comes to "So You Think You Can Dance", I am just all about it.

These peops just amaze me everytime. I love to dance, but of course I will never be as good as these folk, but it is so very nice to watch. MTV envelops our minds to think that hip-hop and pop dance are the forms of acceptable social dance out there and this show helps to promote those other great forms of dance: i.e. latin, swing, jive, etc.

I also find it very nice that with these dances they're pushing versatility...and the most common-sensical thing to myself is that if you're wanting to make a living off of dance, being versed in many types would be the best way to keep yourself in work.

This is also coming from someone who has had one class in dance which really wasn't very explicit on a type...kinda modern, but like the Mia Michaels meets kindergarten type. And then a mix of gay club dance meets country-western techniques. I will admit going with my sister to a country/western bar for years and learning line dance really helped me to learn beat, precision and stylized moves. You'll be surprised how much it can help those unversed in dance feel better about themselves.

Anyways, nows my time to express my views for my favorites. I do have a couple of female favorites... Lauren and Sara being them, they are sweet...and Sara is just the bomb! But of course with this being a gay blog written by a gay man I'll have to focus on the hot bois I'm voting for. And believe me, I vote on talent or potential as well. Depending on what dance type they pick, the couple could be in or out of their element and we have to look at how they adapt versus those who were bred in that kind of dance environment.

Anyway, here's my top hotness factor picks.



Ricky has these great dark eyes and hair that just pull me in everytime I look at the boy. He's an awesome modern/contemporary type dance who was put into ballroom this time round, and I think the couple did well. His only issue is his girl partner is taller and stouter than he and it wasn't sure who was really leading during the whole bit. I think this boi can go a long way if the votes are there. He's my favorite, so give him the love!



OMG, Neil was adorable tonight doing the salsa, even if his posture was too high for the sensuality of the step it was still very much enjoyable. I love his look and his dance and he better not go soon.






Kameron is just fricken hot. He did a great contemporary/modern routine by Mia Michaels with Benji's sister and was awesome. So very very hot. I hope he goes very far. You know who he reminds me of, not sure if you all have seen "Bulletproof Monk", the guy that plays the British thug gang leader-guy...yeah, he reminds me of him, very hot and fuckable. *sigh*



Hok has been a favorite of mine since last year. When the pivotable moment came when he couldn't move on because of his work visa it made me sad. I'm so glad to see him come back and make it finally to the top 20. I have a thing for asian bois, but for an asian boi with a british accent....*swoon* I hope he goes far...very far.




I also have a soft spot for the ballroom dancer bois who appear on here. Last year it was so hot Stanislav, but hopefully Pasha won't meet the same early fate Stan did. He has an awesome body and gorgeous face and I wouldn't mind him holding me at any point an time during a waltz.




These are my fav bois, like 'em or lump 'em but VOTE for 'em to stay!!

Road Trip!

Oh my gosh, let me first tell you that I finally have Russ just one chapter away from finishing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix." It's been a long battle to get him ready before the movie hits theaters but we may actually get it done. I've been trying to finish the book with him for probably close to a year.

He surprised me today by taking us on a drive to pay on the boat slip and knowing the drive takes a bit I suggested bringing the book along just in case. Nine times out of ten, this scenario just ends with the book taking up space in the back seat.

This time, we were probably about 10 chapters away from finishing and he gives the go ahead. Russ loves (or used to love) to take long drives and roam around for the fun of it. I took advantage of this time and kept reading...and he just kept driving. We start at about 10:30am this morning and ended up getting back to the house just shy of 7:30pm. Time just flew.

I can remember being in Sevierville, Pigeon Forge, back Farragut...just anywhere and everywhere. But it's amazing how you can lose track even when you're not exceptionally busy.

Sad enough, we finished with one chapter left and I'll see how long that takes to finish. It was a simple but fun day.

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Other news...



I got "Transamerica" from Netflix the other day and thoroughly enjoyed it. I definitely understand why Felicity Huffman was nominated for those awards. She did an awesome job playing Bree and, I felt, was totally believable.

I learned some unknown things of the transgendered community (at least I think I did), and the whole subject matter was handled in a very respectful way.

Such an eye-opening path of discovery and it's on my must have list now.



Not only was it a great movie, but Kevin Zegers who plays Bree's son was a very nice sight to see. He did a great job with the role and I never lost sight of this boy whatever scene he was in. He demanded attention, at least for me. *Sigh* Beautiful hair, dimples, body, and those eyes. Keep an eye on this guy.

Here's a great site with tons of images of him! The Kevin Zegers Gallery

Also I thought I'd throw in a recent picture of me. Been meaning to do it for ages, at least for my purposes of documenting my growth as I work out. I've been training hard so hopefully it's paying off. ^^

Oh the Confusion...

I feel like I've just walked into an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Something more happened in the house that I don't know and it's making me very apprehensive.

My day was going pretty well. Finished the men's department today except for a few visuals and then was invited to one of Karen's great get-togethers at her place. I was really excited about it and wanted to go, especially since I missed her last bash. At about an hour before I left the store it started to pour rain and I was thinking, there goes the party now but figured I still drop by just in case.

When I got off, I gave Russ a call (like usual) to let him know I was off and that I was going the gym and then be on my way home. He sounded obviously inebriated and definitely like something was on his mind. I know he was wanting to tell me something. We said our usual, but he added in "give me a call when you're on your way home," which was odd for him to say.

I was a bit awry but left it to the thought that he just wanted me to pick him up some dinner on the way home. I asked him and he declined, and once again said "just give me a call on your way home."

I knew now something was amiss and I told him that I didn't feel like driving in the rain more than I needed to and was on my way home. He said okay, but sounded like he was getting up and ready for something.

Soooo... fast forward to me getting home. I had worked up all the scenarios in my head as to what could have happened.

--He'd lost his job for missing so much work on the eve of him maybe having to go into surgery again.
--He was finally done with me and breaking up
--Anything else I could possibly imagine

But my biggest bet was on his job considering his only been to work like maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks...but lo and behold I come home and the doors are wide open and Russ isn't around. The house is dark and all the electronics are turned off. Jenny and the boys are nowhere to be seen and they should have been here at this time...they're always here at this time. I go out back and I see an obviously drunk Russ coming from the left side of the yard and sadly lets me know that TJ, my dog, is missing. She'd somehow gotten out of the backyard and run off.

My heart jumped and I tried to get out of him how it happened or what had happened. Considering she's a house dog and she only really gets out when we're out, I'm thinking how this could have happened.

I ask him about it and all he could say is "I don't know."

He didn't know how she got out, how long she had been out or anything.

I start trucking myself up and down the streets calling for her and find nothing and i'm very close to crying at this point.

I come back and Russ isn't outside anymore. He's gone into the bedroom and closed the door. I go in and he's curled under the covers. I informed him of my misfortunes and still a bit confused I say.

"I'm sorry, I'm not pressing this...but what happened again."

He then proceeds to yell at me that he took her out to pee and she disappeared and that I need to lay off.

"Wow, if that's how it is." was all I could muster.

I leave the room and start to head back outside to search for her some more and there she is soaken and sulking on the porch. I'm so happy she came back to us alright. I just pray she won't have puppies on the way. *crosses fingers*

I know Russ is hurting and he needs to get something done, but he also needs to take care of himself and I've tried and tried but he won't listen to me...I'm just over it.

Well, Jenny and the boys just arrived and they're alright and good, but Jen informs me that in his drunken stupor, he said around the kids that he wants to just "point a gun to his head to make the pain go away." Wow....this is just a bit much and I don't know how to deal with this. She wants me to take a pro-active stance but I have no idea what I can do for him that won't piss him off at me. I can't live like this. I wish I could just push rewind and start things all over, just to see if I could have ended up in a better place.

I know, not the answer that I SHOULD be coming up with, but this is all typical Russ this last year (and especially these last few months), and for all the effort I give...our relationship keeps deteriorating. I am just so overwhelmed right now with worry and thought...I just want it all to go away. Why can't he just let his ego go and get things done...it's crazy.

So yeah, not the best ending to my day. This could have been such a good day, but such is life.

Why I Love "The Biggest Loser"

Here lately I've been watching a lot of the previous seasons of "The Biggest Loser" thanks to the .Style cable channel. I had watched the last two seasons and was happy to see some previous seasons.

The first and main reason I enjoy the show is because it just fills me with wonder and pride when people are doing things to better themselves for their health and their appearance. The hard work and effort the trainers put in as well as the will and determination all these folks do to lose the weight that is killing our society now.

It almost makes me cry each time they all go to the weigh in and lose the weight. Also seeing them come to the realizations that they do have control over their body and how they can lose weight...just taking those initial drastic steps to move forward is the hardest. I applaud this show because it really is an inspiration to the world of reality tv and many many americans out there who are overweight. You can improve yourself, just take the initiative! Our American society doesn't have to carry this overweight burden that we've come to adopt.

Believe me, I don't have anything against extra weight, just the notion that you're helpless against your weight (with the exception of those folks who are disabled or unable to take the proper physical route by certain medical needs).

The second reason I love "The Biggest Loser" is because of Bob Harper (the trainer for the Blue Team). Not only is he hot, but he is compassionate, empathetic and very much a source of inspiration for people who want to be fit. He may not be straight business like some trainers, but he deals with his people on an emotional and motivational level first and then deals in the physical realm. He is a physical and motivational inspiration to me and I adore him.



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In other news today, it was Melissa's last day today and I'm so sad to see her go. She was one of a couple of folks I held to the same kind of intellectual level as myself. Kaitlin being the other and she left for grad school last week as well ><.

I spent all day today reworking the men's department and believe me, after the spin class and tubing yesterday if my leg's weren't sore, they sure are now. I was moving a ton of fixtures all day. It was very satisfying. There's nothing like feeling you put in a full day of work that makes a difference...or at least makes a standing impact. As I am typing this, my legs are soooooo sore. *crossing fingers* I can move tomorrow. Night all!

Five girls, a guy and Some Tubes

Getting up never felt so good this morning. I was so ready to go out with the girls today to the tubing place!

Just a note, I have never tubed down a body of water in my life. I'm not a great swimmer and I can't tread water very well at all and so I've always avoided doing anything aquatic, especially if there's a hint that the water may get deep. But I wanted to do this and I wanted to push myself to get past my boundaries and fears. I let the girls know about my apprehension and Melissa and Megan admitted to being great swimmers and would help me out if needed... so fear be gone!

We met at work at about 9:15am, made a quick run for food, sunblock and mixer for the rum Andrea brought of course(yum!). After another brief stop to pick me up some water shoes after I realized everyone else had them and that it would probably be in my best interest to pick up a pair considering all I had were my slides...we were on our way.

Took us about an hour to get to the National Park area and find the place where we could rent our tubes. I'm so glad they had the tubes with the covered bottom...such a relief for me after I realized how low the water had gotten during this drought and all the rocks aching to get a shot at nailing my poor bum.

We made the trip up and down the river a total of three times and it was a blast. When we first got in, it was real slow going and we're sitting there thinking..."this is it?" We then get to the point where it sort of splits off and have to make a left into this little bit of rapids and this is where the fun started! Tracy was screaming her head off and holding onto Andrea like no tomorrow. Megan kept getting stuck on the rocks and I got slung around like a rag doll! lol Samantha and Melissa just blew threw like it was nothing everytime!

There was this little wading area just after the rapids where we collected ourselves and made our trek back up. During the last trip we just sat in our tubes and just talked about everything from politics to work gossip. It was funny earlier today Andrea had picked up a big mug called a "Bubba Jug" (don't ask me I had no clue they existed or went by that name lol) and she was chugging juice and rum. She was hilarious but also surprised me a few times with her political thoughts. I didnt know she had it in her.

Sadly though, there weren't any real cute guys out today. There was one guy who was built pretty but not my type. Great body though if you like them with a bit of meat on their bones. ^^

All in all it was a very fun day and better yet, I didn't die, drown or burn! Heck yeah!

All the sun is gonna make me freckle a bit though.


Fav quote of the day - (On Tracy's conversation dealing with her trying to get pregnant and it not happening)

"As long as you're getting it and he's not pulling out...you're good."

My first Spin

Today started out to be a grand day. Work went effortless, finishing up the rest of the markdowns in the remaining five departments. Helped out Tyler a bit with his moves and then went to the gym. Had a great workout.

I had decided to combine my upper and lower body workouts into one day for the next couple of weeks. I'd also been wanting to get into a spin cycle class to get my aerobic exercise that i've sadly been missing. I saw a class going on but was apprehensive going in because I didn't want to get over my head. So instead of taking that plunge I went and asked a trainer about the classes and he found me a beginner class which ironically started right after the one currently going. So I ran and got something to eat and then eagerly joined the class.

I have to say this is most I've ever sweated, and I mean EVER. Just to show how much, I had a natural disposition that I just don't sweat all that much and I was pouring by the time class ended. I definitely got my ass kicked and I'm glad I did and I want to do it again next week. I felt very good about it and my body.

Here in a day or two I want to post a pic of myself to track my progress and to give me a ton more incentive to work harder on the body that I want. My upper body is coming together now, my lower body has always been there, now it's time to emphasize my midsection and aerobic exercise. I've got a mini-belly that I soooo want to get rid of. Mind you I'm 5'3" 120lbs (just on the bottom edge of what my average weight should be), so I'm underweight if anything...just 5 years of doing nothing with Russ has took it's toll. The one thing clubbing did for me was keep me dancing and my stomach flat and I lost that sitting at home.

The gym brings the same pleasure for me and I'm so glad at that.

I came home after all that and Jen let me know she had talked to some lady at her workplace about me and my signing (however rusty it may be right now) and that she'd like to talk to me about "business prospects". This is very exciting for me considering I'm very uncertain of whether I want to continue on in retail... especially now that the position I was gunning for has been canned.

I'm pretty intimidated because I am very rusty technically and receptively. But at the very least I hope to gain some insight on what I need to do to get myself out there and doing what it is I want to do...which is sign interpreting. I jusdt need to buckle down and study more but I will definitely give this lady a call. Hopefully things will work out for me.

*crosses fingers*

Now to the bad part of the night...Russ. His back is killing him, and of course he decides to drown himself in liquor. He seems to call it a painkiller even though he is still hurting, just a bit more numb to it. Sigh...I spent the whole night dodging and softening conversations, trying to keep myself from having to deal with a drunken argument. I told him when I first came in that he needed to hold off on the drink and he "cordially" declined. So I knew it was going to be a long night. I was embarrassed to let Jenny and the boys see him in this way. I know the boys really didn't make too much sense...but I knew Jenny knew and that saddens me.

The saddest part is I have no control over what he does. What Russ wants is what Russ gets and by gosh if you disagree, I've tried and it just leads to argument. I just let him fly nowadays. I'm making myself happy first.

But tomorrow is a Wednesday with the girls from work. Apparently we're going tubing so I'll see how that all goes. Should be fun and hopefully I'll see alot of hot guys!

Please...please let there be hot guys!

Hail the flip-flop!

Boo my first closing shift in ages but it went pretty quickly. I kept busy all day working with alot of the merchandising specialist responsibilities now that Tyler has to deal with the supervisor side of his logistics promotion.

It seems that anyone with position seems to think the Visual Merchandising position is going to be disappearing since Tyler vacated it, and that's a sad thing. I really would have like taking that position and I would have fought for it like no other. When I talked to my GM about the whole ordeal she said that even if it technically is getting dismissed she's probably going to still fill that position even if it's not a true promotion with pay increase. Like a dope I told her I would take it if it meant I could be gearing for a supervisor/management position.

Truth is I'm not even sure I want to take a management position. I like to get things done but I like to be the one getting it done. I don't do so well at guiding others. I've got to be in the action getting my hands dirty to feel like I've gotten everything I want done. But it was nice to take a break from my promotions gig to do some of the merchandising gig today. It felt good, like when I used to be the Women's department lead years ago. Jess was talking like I'd be helping out with it alot more in the near future too as well as Andrea. So that's definitely a good thing to add under my belt. I'll definitely be a busy person and that's the way I should be. I just wish it would vanquish my pay cap and validate me a raise of some sort. That cap is so frustrating.

Now onto my flip-flops. Yes flip-flops! And I don't mean the nice ones that will last for years and years. I'm talking about the main ones we sell.



I know these little guys are cheap and come in so many different colors to match any kind of wardrobe, but it still boggles me that people wear and buy these things in bulk. When I spend money on shoes I like know that I can have them for years and that they're going to be comfortable. These things are like wearing pieces of cork strapped to your feet, or at least I would imagine them to be if I were to ever be brave/stupid enough to wear them.

They just get all groddy and nasty as they get wore and your foot/toe impressions dig into it with dirt highlights. The perfect way to impress the date is to slip out of your generic flip-flop to highlight the nastiness they incure in only a couple of weeks of wear. I mean I know they're cheap and versatile but by gosh it would seem comfort and style would mean something before getting these things. I rang out a few customers today and they were buying them in droves. Good for business and believe me I'm not complaining about that but omg it boggles me that they're so popular.

I tried out a pair once just to see what the big deal was. I bought a brown pair and proceeded to try to wear them around the house. It was like a thick piece of cardboard on my feet and the thong between my toes was killing me. I ended up tossing them. And so I guess I'll just never see the appeal of these things. I guess I'll stick to my slides and enjoy their comfort and versatility. All hail the flip-flop!