A Little BIt of Ste

A Fresh Start

2011-09-10T12:18:00.000-05:00

If anyone is still keeping up with this blog, please hurry on over to my new blog. I've moved over to Wordpress and would love the support!

A Bit of Ste - Revisited
http://abitofsterevisited.wordpress.com

Thanks gang!!

Sixth sense

2010-02-10T09:06:00.001-05:00

Well...kind of. When I go to bed, I usually lay down for a couple of minutes and I'm out. But last night I had this strong urge to check my paycheck that had went into the bank last night and found that it was short about twenty or so hours !!

I've never felt the need to have to check before but this time I just had this really strong feeling I needed to confirm. I even used avenues I'd never taken advantage of before and it all pulled together.

I contacted my boss and she's gonna take care of it. I'm just glad I caught it now and not later on in the week.

This is a test !

2010-02-09T17:24:00.001-05:00

So here goes. I finally am gonna start back up again. : )

Changes

2008-12-02T19:42:00.005-05:00

Well, after almost a year (wow time flies)... I finally am posting in my journal again. I'm sorry to all those who were following my blog and I won't be surprised if you left me. My life got very drab, boring and I was just plain unhappy in my situation and really didn't feel like complaining in every post or reiterating things over and over because they never changed.

A new chapter in my life has started now and with it comes more freedom and hopefully more interesting things for myself. A couple of weeks ago I finally did what I've been tring to do for the last two years and that is to get enough gumption to call it quits with my beau Russ. There finally came a point where I felt I needed to make the decision to do it and it came, and I did it. It's been hard on me. In the process I've had to rely heavily on the help of my dad and sister and I'm very grateful they were and are there for me during this process even though I sort of lost connection with them in my 7 years with Russ.

I'm not going to go into why I finally broke up with Russ in big detail. Most of the reasons are in previous posts and haven't really changed. I finally just decided my situation, happiness and his personality just weren't going to change unless I did something about it. And I did. It's been a difficult process and the transition to single life hasn't been easy.

I'm definitely going to have to pick up a small part time job to make up for expenses. But i'm not too worried about that other than leaving my puppy here at my apartment for an extended amount of time.

I'm in an apartment now and have all my utilities and necessities hooked up. I still have a lot to get from Russ' but I'm not in any hurry and we're on good terms so they're not going anywhere. Although I definitely think I need to get my posters and stuff. My walls are looking very bare and it's starting to depress me.

I have been kinda seeing this one guy named George. Great guy, loving, but very needy. Kinda scary needy in a way, but his heart is in the right place though. Since moving into my new place I've not seen him as much though. And i'm sure he's noticed this. I think it's just me trying to get my roots here in my new place. I still have lots to do and most importantly I need to find my single self again before I can commit to another's life (per se)

My pup has been super anxious since the separation from her "daddy". She's almost been driving me nuts. But I hope here in the future she'll calm down. I'm living in the apartments Russ and I lived in before moving to the house. I enjoyed it there alot and so did TJ then. So I hope she finds her solace here soon.

I almost ran back to Russ a number of times before I commited myself to an apartment lease. It was either George or I who kept me from doing so. I began thinking it was a mistake. But I wasn't missing Russ. I was missing the conforts. The things I came home to and the patterns we maintained. I didn't miss him, just the act of living. And I found the patterns I was missing were the same ones I was condemning as part of my reasons to leave. Odd aye?

I think proverbial peg that finally told me I made the right decision is the fact that Russ has suppoesed to come by and help me hook up my Tivo for the last three days and has canceled on my each day. It's nothing against me I'm sure. It's just who he is and his health. I finally figured it out with his advice and suggestions...but the fact was he never came through with what he would say he was going to do...and I was always the one to have to get things done or they wouldn't.

I still love him though. But like I told him... "I still love you...but I'm not sure if I like you anymore."

I hope that doesn't sound bad...but with what i've gone through...

Anyways, I hope you...the community will take me back. Otherwise I'll just be writing to myself. Which I guess was the original point of a journal...but hey, comments and people who care are also welcome.

What a Holiday

2007-12-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to say how my holiday went.

Saturday at my uncle's went well. We missed out last year because the message of the date and time came too late for me to request off at work. Everyone was so happy for the beau and I making it this year, although a few made it sound like it was my choice or that I did not do enough to come out. They didn't say that really, but I can sense it in the undertones of some things they said. But otherwise it was a great evening. My sister acted a fool, like always. My aunt made a wonderful meal of ham and all the fixings.

Christmas Eve we hosted a party at our new home. The beau's mother, my parents and sister, and the roomie's parents all came by and we all had a huge dinner. It was odd having all our parents there because they just seemed to be from different lifestyles and generations. I think it was a humbling experience for my dad. My parents loved the place and my dad liking it really surprised me. Usually, he's the first one with criticisms but everything out of his mouth was positive. The night ended with the roommate's boys opening all their gifts with the central gift being a game table with pool, air hockey and ping-pong options. I might just make use of that. : P

We also deep-fried our first turkey. Twas quite an experience. Went rather smoothly considering I was bombarding the beau with "what ifs." Quite tasty I have to say as well. I'm not sure I'm gonna say it was worth all the money we spent to prepare for it, but the experience did.

Christmas day we went to the beau's family dinner and it went well also. His sister's boys are growing up fast...already 19 and 21. Time flies.

We then proceeded onto my family's official dinner. Not really anything special. A decent dinner my sister made, not great...a whole lot of canned foods. The atmosphere was a complete turn-around from years past though. Everyone was in a pleasant and cheerful mood. It's usually awkward for some reason, but everything was my relaxed.

This holiday I came out with a lot of money for gifts. I'm kind of disappointed at that considering I'm probably going to be using it for bills. Bah, I'd rather get a tea-cozy or a gift card...so I don't have to feel this need to use the cash for responsible needs.

The highlight gift actually came from my dad this year. I asked for a mini-fridge for our new home and by gosh he got one. I haven't seen it yet because he didn't bring it to my mom's due to the rain. But whatever the size or shape, it will definitely be useful! We're going to run by his house sometime tomorrow with the beau's truck to pick it up.

Sorry for the quick post without a whole lot of description. I need to be heading to bed soon. Have to be at work at 4am in the morn. It's funny, the holiday decorations went up immediately after Halloween but can't stay out a hair after the 25th.

Oh wells, hope you all had a great holiday!!

Thursday December 20th

2007-12-20T05:06:00.000-05:00

I love when you pay for a trail/breakfast mix and what you really get is raisins with a little bit of something else tossed in there.

But anyways, I got alot of cleaning and chores finished yesterday. Everything bill-wise came to a halt with me because the beau needs to have a hand finishing them.

Financial times are going to be tough I know that much. After shelling out the large sum we needed for the deposit and prorated rent for the month last week, we only had my meager check to pay for what should have been paid last week. And I only say meager becuase my check is the one that gets all the insurance taken out of it...so it's definitely the lower of the two. *sigh*

Needless to say we're going to be living on bird crumbs. Well, really we're not because I went grocery shopping. But because I went grocery shopping we're going to be living with like nothing until the beau's next check. I had to sit and meditate after realizing what I had done. We did need the food since I had not been food shopping in ages it seems like.

On the brighter side I did get our part of the house super clean. I mopped, vacuumed, and dusted and it really didn't feel like it took all that much time. Having the actual room to get about and easily clean everything totally makes a difference versus tripping and climbing over all kinds of things trying to achieve the same.

I'm back on my regular gym schedule starting monday of this week and it feels great. The gym I moved to is not as busy as the others and so I get quality time with all my favorite machines, benches and dumbbells.

I got to be heading to work here in a second. Wish me luck in this coming week and bring me wishes of great fortune ^^

Checking Your Cards

2007-12-16T19:57:00.000-05:00

ahh... finally back into a regular pattern of living. The majority of boxed necessities have been unpacked and my life has begun to take back some normalcy.

We finished moving things about Wednesday and then spent the rest of the week up until Friday cleaning the new place. We, meaning the beau and I, the roomie only came to the house on the Wednesday. She did a lot that day but still it was kinda minuscule compared to what the beau and I ended up doing. Same thing for the moving process. But I'm not worried about that whole ordeal. We're in a better place and a better way of life. It's going to be more expensive but it definitely feels better. Both in my everyday, personal, and spiritual life.

From Friday on it's been basically me unpacking and building the beau and mine's space in the house. He dealt with the electronics and I've dealt with everything else. Which I don't mind considering it's what I like to do. I'm the one who's supposed to know where everything is and so it just makes sense.

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt this much personal space...well, I guess I could. Since April of last year when we moved into the small house with the roomie and the boys. Love them, but as in the words of the roomie, having everyone "on top of each other" wasn't very conducive to good feelings in the house. The whole place felt liked a brewing volcano and you all can probably relate to that with the whole meltdown the beau and I had. We almost broke up and split during our time in that house. It just goes to show that it really does depend on situation how people deal with things. In this new place, with the great open personal space that is separated from the others we are connecting much like we used to.

We may not be interacting with the roomie and the kids as much as we used to because we have the advantage of being able to close a door and still be able to enjoy anything that we want, but they have a considerable amount of control over their part of the house now too. It's now up to them how they decide to take advantage of that considering the beau isn't there to make a considerable impact on most of it. The roomie confided to me that she is happy with the move so I'm confident that everything is all well.

Our pup, T.J., couldn't be happier. A wide expanse of land to run around in and without the need for scolding. She has a large expanse of area to run and play and explore and I don't have to worry about her running into the road or someone's yard. So nice.

Tonight became a "Survivor: China" finale party for me. This has been my favorite season since "Cook Islands". I am SO happy Todd won, he totally deserved it. If I were in his shoes I would have played it the same exact way. I'm the smallest and I wouldn't be winning too many physical challenges. He played the mental and game portion to the T and I commend him for that. I'm a kindred spirit and wish Todd well.

I am just so thrilled to be able to start my everyday activities again. I can go back to my regular workout schedule and not the sporadic one I've been working with since beginning the move. I can come straight home and not have to worry about going to the other place to load, pack or clean. I don't have to worry about calling places to change my address or let multitudes of people know where they can find me.

It's a good feeling. And from the great energy I'm feeling from the place, I believe we'll be here for a long time. The beau and I have had the best energy between us and I've actually been able to reach a state of calm that I have not been able to reach for a very long time. My mind has been able to focus and free itself of all outside distractions. It's been very hard to that with an 8 and 9 year old moping, whining and complaining.

I'm thankful for this place and how it's changed my life and outlook in such a short amount of time. Alot of times it just proves that it may not be your relationship at odds, just the situation you are in. Make sure to look at all your cards before you play them. ^^

Moving- Days Three through Six

2007-12-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

Well, let me tell you that moving the majority of two separate families items from that small house has been a bigger task than even I have suspected. Monday and Tuesday we worked to finish up the garage full of items and then moving a lot of the bulk stuff for the roomie and her boys. These days both the beau and I were working during the day, so we were not able to get to the moving till later in the evening.

Wednesday comes along and I had planned to have the day off because the cable guy was supposed to be coming to turn on the cable, phone and internet here at the new place. The set time was supposed to be between 1-3pm. I set up one load at the other house and came back to the new house (we had planned on being able to sleep in the new house that night), set up everything accordingly for the beau and unpacked some things while awaiting the arrival of the beau around 9am or so.

The beau gets there about 930ish and he sets up the electronics I sat out for him so that we can make sure the cable and junk works when it is finished. By the time we're finished with all our tasks, we see it's 1130 and we're not sure we can get to the old house, load up, and be back within an hour and a half. I unpack some more and the beau goes out to blow leaves, fix the toilet and lubricate some squeaky hinges.

Long story short on this day, the cable guy was supposed to be here between 1-3pm.

3pm came and no cable guy.
I call cable company to find out what's going on.
As I'm on hold I get a beep from an unknown number.
I don't answer it since I'm hold.
Nice lady I'm talking to tells me that the person is going to be between 30-45min late.

I think to myself, it's already 3oclock and past the two hour grace period given. I'm a schedule-minded person myself and I'm going crazy at this point. This is my last day off this week and the day I was meant to get a load of moving done! I've been here since 1130 waiting on the guy and it's now 3pm and no sign of him.

The dude finally shows at around 4ish.
Takes till close to 8pm to get everything finished with all the weird wiring around the place.

Recap.

My day off meant to be moving tons of stuff was spent from 1130-8pm under the spell of the cable guy. The beau had to be there because he has all the technical know-how and knows what needs to be done, and I had to be there because the account's in my name and I had to sign for the thing when it was finished. So *sigh*, we were both stuck.

I was nearly crying by the end of this whole stint because I thought there was no way in heck we'd get back to the old house, load up all our beds and be able to clean up and sleep in the new place.

Frustrated with the total waste of a day off I had, I was so aggravated that everything that I had planned to get done was so feebly taken over by something I thought was so simple as turning on the cable.

I end up deciding to call my superior at work and see if he'll give me tomorrow off to do what I couldn't get done on that day.

I was so in luck because he totally let me have it off.

Thursday.

The beau is tired and needs some additional rest before running out to the house again. He's had three back surgeries and today's main task consists of the refridgerator and washer/dryer. Not easy on the back to say the least.

We get to the house and load up a ton more than what I had expected to get at such a late time. And by the time I'm sitting here typing this we have pretty much everything of substantial importance here and in use. It feels good.

I'm very lucky to have my hard-working beau, co-workers who can understand the rare real-life concerns I may have, and the focus I have in organization and planning things out.

I really need to head to bed as I need to be at work at 6 and this will be the first time I've tried making the trip from the new place.

Thanks for reading the post. Not too insightful, just a retelling of the highlights of the past few hellacious days.

Moving- Day Two

2007-12-02T23:29:00.000-05:00

Officially this should probably be "moving- day three" but friday I spent most of the day just packing and didn't really move anything at all. Saturday we got most of those things out, as you read.

Forgive me as I'm just a tad bit delirious. I waited till after moving all day, coming home, running out to the store, picking up dinner, watch "America's Most Smartest Model", "The Amazing Race 12", "Desperate Housewives", and "The Shot" before typing this. I technically should be in bed right now considering I have to be up by 5am but what the heck. I need to keep my updates going. lol. I just didn't think about it till right now.

Today went really well. We finished up the cleaning out the garage and then added in getting alot of the boys' things moved over there. We also cleaned out the roomie's and most of our closets as well. It doesn't sound like much but I wish I really had got a picture of our garage and the multitude of things that were living there. Hopefully, at our new much larger space they will find life past sitting in a cold space.

I am so excited that my comic books get to come back out in the open. They've been living in boxes insider our closet for these past months and it's been killing me. I can't wait to put them back on the shelves and be able to pull them out for re-reading.

We all have to go back to work tomorrow but we may end up moving more stuff tomorrow. Right now the plan is to do more packing in preparation for Tuesday evening moving. But we could also come in and start unpacking the items we've already put into place there. For me, personally, I can't see organizing anything until we move the items we use regularly. All we've really moved is the stuff that went into forced hibernation because of our space restrictions.

I let the beau know that once all our regular stuff is in place. Then, the extra un-needed items can be worked into the space. Doesn't make much sense to do it without that. Although I could stand to work some closet-management. Many of the things may end up living there so designating space would be advantageous early.

But, seriously I may spend most of tomorrow packing some more. I have a ton of books to pack up. Finish cleaning up the closet and packing up the computer desk and my work area. Long days ahead indeed.

Moving - Day One

2007-12-01T19:01:00.000-05:00

Today we officially started our move to the new house. While the beau was off to pick up the truck to do the moving, I slept in a tad and then cleaned the dishes. Just after I finished he popped back in with the vehicle and we went to empty the garage as the first order of business.

Having a couple and a mother with two kids in the small house that we were sharing forced us to keep alot of our packed stuff stored in the house's single car garage. It is truly the rougher of all the rooms to move as there is a ton of stuff there. We got over 2/3rds of the whole thing done today and all the bulk stuff. We're very proud of our progress. I've never seen the garage this empty since we first moved in.

We arrived at the house and a friend of the beaus was there helping the owner load up the few things of his left inside the house. They were talking about some things and I let TJ out and let her wander the area. This is the first time she'd been to the new place since we've had a key.

She first visited it when we were just getting a feel for whether we wanted to pursue the place or not. As soon as she found the beau and was content that he knew she was there, she went zipping all over the place. Traveling all around the house, exploring the yard and deck. When she went inside it was so cute. She checked every room and nook in the house. When she found a window she'd look through it. When there was a door, she'd go through it. It was so funny. But I think she approves.

We started to unload it all. Most of the stuff stayed inside the new garage but there were a few things of ours that we were able to pull into our new bedroom. The bedroom at the old place was quite small for us and a bit of our furniture had to live in the garage.

Here, the master bedroom is as large as our old living room and dining room combined. Plus, our walk-in closet is HUGE (my favorite thing about the house). I'm actually planning on getting an ottoman to set inside so that we can sit and dress inside. It'll be so much more convenient!

These few things mentioned earlier found homes in various parts of our new room and it started to feel like home even more. There's an old blue couch the beau has had for ages and we were finally about to bring it out of it's forced retirement. Sitting in it together again felt real good. The move definitely feels right.

The house itself is 2400sq ft. compared to about 1200sq ft at the old place, we're essentially doubling our living space. The beau and I can enjoy private time within the confines of our own space (which is really a small apartment in it's own right), and the roomie and her kids have room to spread out and be able to do things without feeling like they're tripping over us and everything in their path. Very nice.

The yard itself is huge as well. Lots of trees surround the property and is just beautiful. Every inch of the yard is covered with leaves and it's a beautiful sight. The kids will have a great time in this yard and the seclusion will aid us in our sanity and love of the land. I can't wait to be able to extend my space out onto the deck and eventually onto the northern side of the yard. It is totally set up like it was just made for me and my plans!

And finally a pic of myself taken in front of our bedroom's bathrooms mirror. Our bathroom is the poo too. Nice large tub (might I mention I can actually soak in this tub unlike all the rinky-dink tubs I've experienced in all my other living environments) with sweet jet effects. dual sinks with a nice large mirror. Full-length mirrors on the back of the bedroom and closet doors. And heck, enough floor space in it that I'm planning on getting a mini-fridge to store our spirits and mixers so that the roomie and kids don't have to work around them. I'm so super excited and wish I was already in it.

Only bad part of the day was that my knee injury showed it's ugly head during the process. When the weather drastically changes from warm to cool rather quick, my knee will act up and feel like it's gonna pop from the backside. Back in elementary school, I was playing basketball during phys.ed. and ended up tripping and falling straight onto my knee. It's acting up more now than before. After my rest tonight, it'll be fine.

But alas, we have a few more days of moving. I will have to be a bit more patient and know that by this coming Wednesday we should be sharing our new home together.

On the Brink

2007-12-01T00:35:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow officially starts the grand move to the new place. I am super excited about all the options coming with the extra space this home will give us. I won't be naive to the fact that finances may be tight going into this but I know we'll get through it.

I've done quite a bit of packing today and will be for the next few days. Happily the packing won't be as much as last time considering the place we're in is kinda small and we really didn't unpack a whole lot, the extra unimportant stuff has still ben sitting in the garage over this time. We'll finally be able to bring the board games out again!

Being back at the gym has made me feel great! My body is reacting great to the shock and my confidence and sanity is back. It's wonderful the effect and hour of lifting will do for stress.

Since the roomie is on a road trip to pick up her boys from their father in Wisconsin, and the beau was at work today...I was able to have a day by myself. I practically spent the day naked and loved every minute of it.

I totally would be au natural all the time if I could. It's comforting and just...natural.

When the beau came home we went out for a great dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I still ate well, but had a great change from the ordinary. We then went to a local store to look for reading glasses. He got him a pair and I picked up a pair of sunglasses for my glasses. They fit so well despite my frames being oval and them being a rectangle. Much better than the clip on sunglasses I've been using. If I put them on too low the ends of the clips tickle my nose and I hate that.

I'm still looking for a piece of furniture to act as my new altar at the new place. I want it to feel perfect..but sadly perfect has to be within a certain price range. It's hard working on a budget but I'll do it. Now that I have a distinct altar area at the new place, my dresser just isn't going to do. Here's hoping the moves go well and all falls into line!

Tomorrow's the Day

2007-11-18T22:22:00.000-05:00

Whether I like it or not, tomorrow is going to be the day I start back on my lifting. I went into a slump after I hurt my foot during my vacation and, like usual, I've found it hard to get back into the routine. But once I start again I will be back full force.

I had to bring my workout bag inside to change out my workout clothes as this is the first I've been to the gym when It's been legitimately cold and had to switch from shorts to sweatpants of some kind. I purposefully planted my car keys in the side pouch of my gym bag so I don't forget it in my haste.

I always find a great inspiration when friends or coworkers notice my efforts in the gym and I recently talked with an online friend who enjoys the fact that I work out and it's prompted me that much further to work. My partner is great but they could care less whether I work out or not. I do enjoy the eventual comment that the work I'm doing is worthwhile and this person just made me want to work that much more.

I don't think I've lost all that much of my definition. I know my chest has softened some as that is one of the hardest spots for me to gain considering how small I am. I will put some extra focus on it, my back and shoulders as they are my hard-gainers. I can't wait actually.

I've added other focuses in my life as well since coming back from vacation so it will be interesting how I incorporate them as well as my workout regimine. Wish me luck out there, you've all been great and supportive. I appreciate that!

Battling the Cold

2007-11-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I don't like it when it's cold. Having to scrape the frost off of windshields or at least having to burn gas long enough for the defrost to do it's job. I finally decided to put away my short-sleeves and pull out my long-sleeved alternatives. I had a certain realization while doing this that I don't have a whole lot of winter-type clothes. I've usually made due with a jacket and my short-sleeves. This year is different it seems.

It seems I'm much more prone to cold weather this year. I've already undergone my first head cold of the season and passed with flying colors. My body's been much more sensitive to the chill and have found myself wanting to dress much warmer than I have in many years.

Hoodies and fleece (usually my mainstay), have been increasingly insufficient for me this past week. I've found myself wanting to invest in the things that I've never felt the need to browse before...heavy coats.

I don't think it's because it's getting much colder than any other year previously...I've just felt my body changing. The beau says that an adult's body chemistry starts to change at various points in their lifetime and I think this point in my life is one of those. Not only for the reaction to changes in the weather, but for other reasons as well. Things you were able to get away with all of sudden takes a drastic turn and leaves you "in the cold," so to speak.

I've really been thinking hard about this one coat at my work. But spending over $40for an item of clothing just brings out the skinflint in me. I may just have to break down soon and do it. There's seems to be so much more I can do with that money versus a coat i'll only wear for a season...or with just a few outfits depending on the color.

...I long for a time when I can look at a $40 personal purchase as a drop in the bucket. Until then, the new hoodie I got a few weeks ago will suit me fine. As long as I'm not out too long.

Back in the Game As Well

2007-11-14T22:29:00.001-05:00

So yeah, it's been a while. It's actually been because of particular parts of my personality. When I came back from my vacation trip to Nashville, I hard hurt my foot pretty bad during a sight-seeing walk we had taking and I had been wearing the wrong type of shoes. So upon my arrival back my regular workouts had to be halted because I could barely stand on my foot after dealing with being on it at work.

At this point at work I had also accepted a temporary position at work. During the holidays I am to be acting as the sole merchandiser for our $8million a year store and that's alot of hard work, stress, and pressure. When my foot wasn't hurting, I was emotionally spent from work. Since that time I think I've been to the gym about 3 times. And thus I fell back into the spiral of making excuses for not going to the gym, and even worse taken back on my bad eating habits.

Well, I'm ready to give myself a quick kick in the ass and continue up where I've left off. I hope that you all will welcome me back as I take up the reigns again. I'll post my starting measurements here in a few. I'm kinda scared to take a look considering what I had put in before.

I also think alot of the stress and emotional weight I've been experiencing here at home and at work has been because of my lack of not being at the gym to relieve all that. I've been an emotional wreck... especially in the last 3 weeks or so.

So, I'm sticking to my guns, my word and my future self.

Me...Neville..?

2007-11-12T23:17:00.001-05:00

Me...? Neville? Really, I guess if I take a step back and see the personality behind his exterior I can see it. I feel I'm a little more decisive on my own beliefs but I do also rely heavily on others. Definitely a surprise to me. I was kinda hoping I was leaning towards Lupin . *cry*

Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Neville Longbottom

You are Neville Longbottom. You come across as shy, quiet, and reserved. Underneath, you are deeply caring of your friends and/or family and would put yourself at risk to defend them, even though you would usually exclude yourself from arguments. You don't care much for competition or glory. Maintaining peace and justice are much more important to you.

Neville Longbottom

78%

Luna Lovegood

69%

Remus Lupin

63%

Ron Weasley

63%

Severus Snape

63%

Albus Dumbledore

59%

Draco Malfoy

59%

Hermione Granger

56%

Oliver Wood

50%

Bellatrix Lestrange

44%

Percy Weasley

44%

Harry Potter

44%

Lord Voldemort

38%

Sirius Black

38%

Sweet Escape

2007-11-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

Monday is the only time I REALLY sit down and watch television. Sure I watch a show or two on a daily basis but it's not really a have-to, I have Tivo...I can watch things when I can. But on Mondays... yeah there's no getting around it. Even with it recorded I have to watch this particular string of shows back to back and in their time frame. No questions or I'm disappointed.

It's funny how one will want an escape from the real world at times. To just sit back and temporarily forget all that's going on and dwell in the imagination. Only temporarily though, we can't forget our responsibilities. I connect with these shows in different ways. It's like seeing bits of my personality played our in front of my eyes.

It's even more needed now. This is my first holiday being the sole merchandiser for the store. Normally in the past I've just had a couple of departments or even just one department to work with. Back in the days when we had a Lead for each department. Ah the good old days when each department had a faithful attendant 40-hrs a week. Now with all the full-time and management cuts there's only a sole merchandiser for the whole store. Holiday is a crazy season. Getting shipped tons and tons of items for potential sale to gift-buying individuals. The inventory has been rather okay this round, just the short times between new books and new merchandise and presentations has left minute times to sell through the old (relatively speaking). Ah, the schizophrenic world of retail.

So an escape such as this is very much welcome. Every Monday is my escape day where I put nothing on my agenda after work (unless I decide to go the gym as well) and prepare my day for these shows. A night for me.

I thought about naming the shows but it's all relative. Some may not like or get them and it could ruin the post for some, which would totally miss the meaning. If you all want to, you can guess the shows. ^^ Given what most know about me already some could probably pinpoint them all and give a reason as to why. Anyways, it's close to bedtime. Have a good night all!

Note to self: I've recently found I use the word "really" quite a lot. During essay writing and blogging I find myself re-reading and editing around the multitudes of "really"'s I use. So my apologies if I've missed a couple hundred.

Back in the Fray

2007-11-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, it's been quite a while since I posted. I'm going to ignore the whole catching up phase of blogging. Although I will say the beau has not made much progress in settling the deal on the house. Supposedly him and and the owner are going out to see the place tomorrow (which I've heard multiple times lately) and determine the work that needs to be done and for what price we'll be renting the place.

Work has been extremely frantic, in fact at times I've felt I'm going to tear my hair out, cry and go crazy all at the same time. Being the sole moves coordinator for seven departments during holday AND peak time for book and inventory changes can be extremely stressful. So I helped myself to a bit of meditation and a tad of drink today. Part of me thinks I need to get out now, the other says just bust through this and it'll lighten up after holiday. We'll see how well I hold up.

TJ went through quite a life-changing ordeal in that she hurt her back right knee jumping off the porch a week or so ago. We took her to the vet and it seems it's a heriditary thing in her dacschund (sp?) lineage. She's going to be fighting problems with her knees and leg joints for the rest of her life. It's so sad to see her hobbling around, not using her back leg. Makes me feel like I've failed her somewhat...but according to the vet it's nothing I could've prevented. It had to happen sometime. Now it's just an ordeal keeping her from dancing or begging. Anything against what we've taught her formerlly to keep her from putting pressure on her back leg joints. I'm currently looking for some doggy steps so that she doesn't have to leap on our bed anymore. She's barely makeing it anymore.

There's been a change in relationship for me personally between the roommate and her boys. She asked us to basically let her boys do as the wish and just inform her if they do anything wrong without putting in our own punishments. So that's how I'm acting now. I've taken a step back and I'm not going to try to instill my values or moral values on them.. They're good kids, but she's a very "modern" parent...talking about things, and giving time outs. Not that her way isn't valid, but her boys are at an age where those things don't mean much. They've learned to agree to things that they're not going to live up to get through a conversation, and to know that being neglected of certain things for a night is not too bad a thing. The biggest thing with me is that they have a certain disrespect for their mother. Don't get me wrong, on the whole they're great boys and awesome when in public places. But put them out of public and they know exactly how to take advantage of their mom. And that irks me to no ends. But upon her wish, she wants us to take a step back and let her discipline the kids. So I'm stepping back from "family" mode and stepping back into the "couple/mom with kids" mode I formally adopted when we first moved in together.

That's it in a nutshell, other than the fact of my studies but I want to cover that in another post, good night and sorry for my absence!

So Worth It

2007-10-18T22:33:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty decent day. Work was stressful, big shipments and I've spent eons working in the Men's department. I literally could feel the stress on my body today. Not that I'm overexerting myself, just pushing myself to some limits to which I've predisposed myself. I'm not totally sure I'll make it through holiday unscathed and in one mental piece but I'll make it. I practiced centering myself thoughout the day and especially on the way home. I hate leaving without the feeling of completion, and I didn't get done what I wanted today.

The high point of the day was taking the roomie and her boys out to see the actual insides of the house and see how it played out with her. She was very highspirited and enthusiastic about the move and if anything we may be moving by month's end. Her workload is going to be increasing around December through January and if we're doing it she wants it to be soon.

Exciting and scary at the same time, considering we just moved to this place in April. But there is also a great concensus that we all feel more comfortable with this place. I was smitten and comfortable from the beginning, even before seeing the inside. The beau has the same feeling as I and the roomie feels very good and comfortable with the place and the possibilities it has. She mentioned that she has never felt comfortable yet in our current place, which is the same way the beau and I feel. Really we've had our worst feuds (and really our only, heck we almost separated ways here, which has never happened before) in this place. I won't be sad to see it go.

The new place is going to be more expensive but hopefully in the end it'll be all worth it. I think it will. So at this point it's pretty much a definite. I might as well start packing and tying up the ends here on this place.

It'll be nice.

A Rush of Emotion

2007-10-17T19:09:00.000-05:00

Today was a day off for me. I slept in till 1ish and I felt very good when I awoke. Spent about an hour and ahalf online messing around in the bedroom and then needed to take TJ out to relieve herself.

As soon as I opened the door, this rush of negativity seemed to hit me. I'm not sure what it was but it was rough. After taking the puppy out I decided I needed to get away from here for now. I needed to pick up a journal and some drink anyway, so I made a hasty departure.

I ran some errands and for the most part caught my balance again. But it seemed this sadness crept into me. My chest was heavy and I felt like I was on the verge of tears for much of the rest of the day. There was a point where I was singing along with some Maroon 5 lyrics and literally almost busted out the tears.

I don't know what it was, but it got me. Overall it was an alright day though. I felt like I have gotten/am getting alot of things done although the checkbook balancing still needs to be done...but the beau is on the comp anyway.

Started studying Oberon Zell's book today and the handwritten journal I've started to keep seems to be permanent versus the online journals I've been working with. Handwriting it versus typing seems to be more fluid and solid. More emotive and meaningful in a way. Once you write something down with ink, it's still there no matter how much you scribble it out. A lot of power in the written word.

What I Deserve

2007-10-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's funny the lessons that you can be shown and the circumstances in which they arise.

I had a pretty fulfulling day at work. I was finally able to put other things aside and actually do the job that I was prescirbed. After so many weeks of only being able to half do it, the process felt good. It only took a major move to make it necessary but I'm not complaining.

The biggest part of today though happened later in the evening...after I had watched "America's Most Smartest Model" and finished off with "Desperate Housewives."

When I came home, I ate dinner with the beau and watched whatever it was the beau was watching and enjoyed it with him. After dinner, I moved over to my viewing spot and watched my Tivo'd "Smartest Model" and then proceeded to do some reading online. I watched the mandatory "Housewives" and then went to the bedroom to do some reading. Since I've been away from the Craft for so many years I really needed time to read and gather my sensibilities about me. Not sure if that makes sense, but it allows me to to reconfirm ties I once had and connections I'd forgotten.

But anyways, my last hour before bed I was wanting to read. I go into the bedroom, light up some incense and start to cue up some ambient music on Itunes Radio. Even when I was in college these two things really allowed me to focus whenever I was studying.

The beau then comes into the bedroom and states that he's going to bed. I think that's alright because he's come into the room before with the same request while I was reading and he'd just lay down and go to sleep and I'd continue on my deed till I finished it.

Just a note, because of the person I am I like to keep a "to do list" in my head of things I want to get done before I'll give myself the privelage of sleeping. I'd done everything up to this point other than my reading.

So... I lit the incense and I was cueing up the music and he comes out of the bathroom and says that's it's alright if I'm reading but "this has to go." Indicating the overhead light. The only other light source in the room is the parlor light next to his side of the bed and so this makes reading in the room that much harder if not impossible.

Then he says..."or you can just go to bed with me." And I'm umm..."no, I'm reading." This is what I want to be doing this later and I'm doing it. I pick up my incense and book and move into the now empty living room.

I sit down, set up my music, incense and open my book. The puppy then begins to look at me with those big puppy eyes and begins to whine. A sure indication she needs to go out. I'd only taken her out maybe 2 hours ago and so now I'm frustrated.

I take her out and really am treating her like the warden bringing their prisoner out for a mandatory respite out to civilization. I stand on the porch with my flashlight and lightly scold her for not getting on the grass immediately and then I catch myself and stop to think.

I know I've just been inconvenienced a couple of times in the last hour or so....but why take it out on them...they're in their rights. It is 11pm and the beau needs to be up in the morning, so it's probably best that the lights are off for him...and the pup hasn't #2'd for me all day, maybe it's that time... (and it was).

I just had to get over myself and what I think I deserve versus what it is going on with the people and animals I love around me.

I spent so much time later in my relationship with the beau concentrating on what I've sacrificed on my part for our relationship, that sometimes I concentrate too hard on regaining it and forget the responsibilities and courtesies that still need to be expressed in a relationship. Even with my puppy.

I've been blessed these few weeks with insights. Whether they're from myself being more open or a cordial slap to the face by the Goddess, I have recognized where I'm at fault just now.

I may have sacrificed parts of my former life, but I can't forget that I share a life with other individuals and to deny them their general wishes because I'm trying to ragain my past is not right of me. i need to make better use of my time so that I can get my "list" done and still accomodate the basic wishes of those around me.

Quick Note

2007-10-10T19:53:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to get a note out and say that I'm sorry for being WAY behind in my blog reading! It's just been constant stuff here. The beau has been so active this week that it's throwing off my routines lol, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

We took the roomie and the boys out to see the house. Not exactly sure how she feels about it just yet but I think it went alright. The guy who owns the house is out-of-town at the moment...so no key. We still couldn't see the inside too well, but at least it was daylight this time round and we got a better idea of the layout and what some of the rooms looked like. I still have a very bright outlook about the place.

My foot seems to be MUCH better and so YAY, back to the gym tomorrow!

Now off to reading blogs!

No Place Like Home

2007-10-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

It's really funny how things work out sometimes.

As you all know, currently my beau and I are sharing a 3BR house with a friend and her two boys. It belongs to a friend of the roommate's and he's turned out to be a bigger hindrance than originally we had planned. Complaining if the grass is a little overgrown or if there's more vehicles in the driveway than he would like to be there. We know it's his right to oversee things, but the beau and I came into this situation thinking he was an "easygoing" guy (per the roomie). And he's even surprised her.

During this last "warning" (which is the first), the Gods would have it that a friend/co-worker of my beau's has a ranch house to rent-to-own and wants to fill before the winter comes. This wasn't just a happenstance, the co-worker actually seeked my beau out and asked him about it. The beau wasn't so sure about it upon seeing some pictures, but with the freshly drawn image of having to move his precious old Ford truck because the landlord thinks it's "been sitting there for weeks and needs to be gone"... decided to ask me if I wanted to take a look at the place, and I said sure. I'm not thrilled with the idea of moving again, nor moving again AND sharing a space with kids again. But I was open.

We went out there and let me tell you it was like the Goddess was whispering in my ear. It's a decent size rancher house. We only got to see the outside for now as the beau didn't have a key yet.

There's a long wrap-around COVERED porch around the front door. Nice and secluded in location with trees all around and plenty of lush greenery. Lots of open area and I could just ENVISION making myself an outdoor space at the northface of the yard. It makes me giddy, teary, and almost nervous at the same time. Standing on the deck and looking out at all the nature just FELT right. Like this was where I was meant to be.

My empathetic side tends to get the best of me at times and if the beau knew how desperately I want the place now for that alone he would snap it up in a heartbeat. But we haven't seen the inside yet...so, I explained how I really do like it (which is much more than what I gave for the place we're currently in), which surprised and pleased him.

There's only a couple of things from the outside that seem to be fixer-uppers but they're very easy to fix. There's an overgrowth of ivy around the front steps and the wood for the steps needs to be replaced.

Tomorrow hopefully the beau will be able to pick up a key and be able to take a look at the place itself. Right now I am REALLY hoping this place works out for all because it really feels right to me. *crossing fingers* Wish me luck!

Saved!

2007-10-07T01:08:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching my newest Netflix movie I've recieved. I have to say that although I've been wanting to see "Saved!" for a long time that it definitely exceeded my expectations.

I know I have a fondness for teen flicks but this one is just excellently written and the story makes a whole lot of sense. The characters throughout were well played and meaningful. By that I mean, I think each of the main players had an almost equal amount of "meaningful" airtime. The movie was just great and it's on my "to buy" list now.

I even teared up in a couple of parts.

So yeah, it's almost 2:30am now so I guess I should be heading to bed soon. But considering I slept in till almost 5pm this isn't that bad a bedtime. So night all!

Just Call Me Gimpie

2007-10-06T18:36:00.001-05:00

The good news is that my foot is doing better now. It still gives me some grief but I think it's going to be an ongoing thing in my life. Have always had issues with my right foot, in general, hurting after long days on my feet and was always asking the beau to massage it or touch it because it always made it feel better.

The pain I was feeling for the last 2 weeks has pretty much alleviated, but my feet are now succumbing earlier in the day to that general hurt that I've had for a long time. Maybe it's time to actually check out what my career options are in the sitting world. Maybe so many years working on my feet is taking a toll. Heck, a wheelchair would be nice right about now too.

It's not a biggie though.

I ended up sleeping till about 5pm today. I was probably catching up on that night of sleep that I had lost Monday night setting up the outlet transition from outlet to retail. I would normally be kicking myself for losing such a long part of the day to sleep but it felt good and it was probably needed. So I won't be so hard on myself.

I plan on starting back at the gym on Monday and at least working my upper body and abs. I'll have to see how my feet are holding up to handle any leg routines. I've missed going to the gym.

I also have gotten a phone call on Thursday from an old friend. It's a long story and I think I'll tackle it tomorrow. Hugs to all!

Playing Catch Up Pt. 3

2007-10-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

My first day back at work goes well for the most part. I find out that not only will my Logistics Manager be going to help transition a store's moving, but now our womens/girls moves coordinator is going to be acting as a temporary supervisor for her from November till they return after the move.

Which means.... I am going to be coordinating the whole store. Wow. That was a big surprise for myself. I'm up for the task but it's kind of intimidating at first considering I haven't had my hand in either of those departments really. I'll be alot better after playing in them for a bit and getting a "feel" and "sense of order" which is mine within them versus trying to work around the reasoning of another cooridinater.

My first 9 hr day went fine and my foot acting up a bit but nothing to be worried about.

T, my Logistics Supervisor, came up to me later in that day to ask if I could come help finish up our Outlet Transition to Retail in the Pigeon Forge store. At first I was hesitant, but after finding out that they were supposed to be opening that next morning and were desperate for help I figured it would be best for me and my potential work career to give them a hand. Especially since our DM asked me if I'd work it weeks before.

So I work a 8-5pm shift at my store, 3 of us head out at 5:30ish and get there at about 6:20ish. We're there until almost 4am. I basically single-handidly set up their marketing and promotion signage while I was there. A big undertaking and I got a number of compliments on my work. Bad thing was, that going into my almost 18 hours of working straight on my feet my problem foot from the previous weeks began to give me a ton more problems. I was basically hobbling through the place, but I'm astute and get the job done. So much pain though.

So we leave, and it's about 530ish am by the time I get home. I have to be at work at 8am and there's no way I'll wake up if I fall asleep...so I make a pot of coffee and go into work without sleep. It wasn't all that bad if it weren't for my foot.

I get through that day and manage to stay awake for what is possibly 28ish hours. My foot is killing me by the time I got home that day. I was a mess. I didn't understand why it was hurting after being so good during the last wee. I cried quite a bit, held onto the beau for support, and got sloshed.

Today was alright as well. My foot is still giving me problems. I don't take medicine but I found myself buying tylenol (which I have never done in my life...ever) and taking the medication. I can, according to my stunningly slow injury perceptance, finally classify this as a chronic pain which I probably need to have looked at.

The beau thinks I have a stress fracture of some sort...and I just don't know. I want to think it's just some over-stressed muscles in my foot that just doesn't want to let go. I haven't made any moves yet, but I may soon.

Also, Jay if you were wondering why I haven't updated the workout chart in a bit, my gimp foot is the reason. Waiting for it to clear up before I can have a chance to focus on the workout routine. It makes me so sad that I haven't been in the gym for over a week. I so want to be there.

-------

To finish up this Catch Up post, I want to say how excited I am about this fall tv line-up. "Heroes" is back and with a shirtless Milo for most of his appearance of the second episode.....SO YUM! But loving "Heroes".

So great to see "How I Met Your Mother", "Biggest Loser", "Survivor: China", and I'm welcoming some newcomers..."Pushing Daisies" and "The Big Bang Theory". Although I'm sorely missing "The Class" since TBBT is in it's former time-spot. I'm hoping it wasn't cancelled, but it probably was. Boo.

Hopefully that catches me up and I hope you all aren't mad at me for all the posts you need to read all about me. Sheesh....I'm making it hard.

But seriously, sorry for the wait and please, wish me good fortune with the healing of my foot. ^^

Playing Catch Up Pt. 2

2007-10-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

My second vacation week was very relaxed. The first week was almost depressing for me. I wanted to have my hands in something. I couldn't deal with not having anything to do, and that definitely showed in my depressive post just before my break here. Kind of work withdrawal. I'm kind of glad I wrote that, it really shows some things I'm usually afraid to talk about.

So the second week flew by like a hurricane. After coming back from our trip to Nashville, I was much more laid-back and just enjoyed that silent symphony of not having a darn thing to do and still getting paid for it.

What I did mainly was catch up on my Final Fantasy XI playing. Anyone who plays video games will have at least a general idea of what the Final Fantasy series is and XI is the online version of their game. I finally got my Beastmaster to 65 and am super excited about that, means my Maat fight will be coming in a few levels. This probably didn't make sense to many of you and that's alright. That's a silent accomplishment for me and I like to remember it. If you'd like to hear more about my XI character just let me know ^^.

This next weekend we decided to take a Saturday trip to Cades Cover, over and around the Smoky Mtns. It was super beautiful. The traffic was annoying at times but overall it was fun and we managed another 5 or so chapters of HBP.

My foot had still been bothering me through this time and walking had become more of a chore than it should have been. At this point the pain has been kind of chronic and I'm starting to think something more than just impromptu pain may be going on.

Sunday, there's a day off and I relax and everything is cool for my first day back to work after a very relaxing two weeks off.

Playing Catch-Up Pt. 1

2007-10-03T20:41:00.001-05:00

Has it really been that long?

Sadly it has and I'm sorry for that. I've been in weird place this last week or so and it was just odd. That's all I can say to describe it really.

I want to say it was that lack of responsibility during vacation time that got me behind. Then of course when the material for the blog started to back up and the potential for one HUGE post or multiple posts became apparent the procrastinator took over in me. I don't possibly have time for that big of a post.

Well, fresh from my vacation time and three days back into my workplace is where I'm picking up.

A quick synopsis of how my Nashville trip the weekend before last went:

- We arrived in Nashville about 5pm and made a stop in the Opry Mills mall. We walked around, ogled cute Nashvillian guys and did a lot shopping in the branch of my store that resides there. It was all for the beau this time around. He's always complaining about not having any clothes and that's because I can never drag him into a shopping situation on a regular basis because I don't make it a point to have to return something. He couldn't get away from it this weekend. Score, everything we got was for him. It tickled me.

- We ate at the local TGI Fridays in the mall and had this really cute and personable gay boi wait on us. It was his 3rd day and he missed up a few things. For one bringing my beau a Bahama Mama instead of a Cape Cod, his pre-meal salad was late, and he had to eat half his meal without a second drink...but,you know ... the kid handled it with grace and like I said, he was super personable and fun. So it made it all okay, fun AND memorable.

- We left the mall and quickly found ourselves a decently priced hotel room. Normally I'd have one already pre-planned but keeping in the spirit of this being an impromptu trip I figured we'd just let it all out. After setting the room up, we head out to a club I had found and heard good remarks about. I thought it had a great, young feel.

We didn't get to stay very long as the beau was super tired from the drive. We'd only been there maybe 2hrs tops. I wasn't too excited about that but then I shrugged it off and said, hey I'm on vacation...otherwise I wouldn't have been there in the first place. He also promised we'd make a trip back with rest time planned in so that made it all better for me.

- The next day we make a trip to downtown and proceed to make a 4 hour-ish trek looking at all statues, dedications, plaques, state buildings, etc. It was alright. This part was more for the beau since he enjoys this type of thing and he indulged me in mine the night before.

For lunch we partook a great little Italian place and I had a nice duo plate of lasagna and a grilled chicken parmesan. It was splendid, but of course it was heavy and I couldn't finish it all.

The rough part of the time was that by the end of our excursion my foot had begun to really hurt. We were almost to the car, and I'd began to limp pretty badly. The right side of my right foot kept having a shooting pain and was making it hard to place my foot flat. I'd ended up tip-toeing that foot also making the rest of that leg, especially my calf, work extra hard.

On the way back hom that weekend, we managed to put away about 7 chapters of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince". I've already read the book, but am trying to get the beau through it so that we can finally get to the final book. I've been very nice and haven't read it yet so that we can finish the series together. So no spoilers!

So this ends part 1 of my catch- up!

Not Who I Want to Be

2007-09-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

Here I am, a full day back from our weekend trip to Nashville. I wil get to telling you about it probably tomorrow. We had a great time and will definitely be making another trip or two back in the near future.

I just feel ultimately drawn to write about change. I feel like I need to change. My life needs to change. Like who and what I am, is dwindling away because of the life I lead.

Everything in my being keeps telling me to leave my relationship, my job, this city, my comfort zone. It's very obvious to myself that my life has come to a virtual standstill and that's literally because I have a whole list of what I would like to do...but since leaving school years ago I haven't really gave myself a thorough to do list for myself. I've taken what's come at me and I haven't really followed through on anything that I really want to do.

I have a history of starting things and not following through and/or being offered opportunities and turning them down/setting them aside because of my insecurities.

I don't like who I am or the life I'm leading.

The remedy to this is to ask myself..."what do I want?...what do I want to do with my life?"

...and I don't know.

I could more easily answer what I wish I had followed up on or changed in my life decisions.

Part of me wishes I weren't gay so that I could follow up on my JROTC training and made a living with the Air Force. The only thing keeping me from not making a living out of the military was my sexuality.

I wish I hadn't given in to stupid college pranks and crap when I went to university for the first time. I could've starred in a number of theatrical productions there and built upon my want for an acting career. I was offered these roles and turned them down to come back closer to home. My college prospects slowly dwindled away from there.

I've just screwed myself over in so many ways. All because I'm so indecisive about what I want. Well, I know what I want...I just don't have a BURNING for something. There's not that fire that burns within me for anything anymore. Well, that's not true, there is a yearning but not a fight. I'm tired of obstacles, tests, and years of useless classes to do anything pertinent.

I want a better life for myself...something I can be proud of and not be ashamed.

I apologize for this ramble. I'm a tad sloshed and really felt like I needed to write this. When I look at it in the morning I'll probably think, "what the?" or I may just expound on some things.

I'm just not happy where I am. The clear answer is change, but change is so hard for me.

Fine.

Promise to myself. Starting tomorrow, I'm putting together a plan for me AND following through with it. I can't just sit and complain forever and never do anything about it. I'll never be happy.

Thanks for listening.

The Day-Trip Cometh!

2007-09-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

As tomorrow morning will probably be hectic with some quick packing and then getting on the road, just wanted to drop a post saying we decided to make a weekend trip to Nashville.

We'll be leaving sometime tomorrow morning and should be back sometime Sunday. I've got a few ideas for what we can do and see while we're there but for the most we'll be playing it by ear.

It will definitely be nice to finally get out of the house, away from my roomie's whiny boys, and heck, out of the familiarity of Knoxville.

Everything will be fresh and new and my eyes will be as large as a babe seeing things for the first time.

The only bad part about it is having to leave my puppy behind. The roomie will be taking care of her while we're gone but I'll miss her eyes and the way she sits up on her hind legs to look out the window for us. *Sigh* But this will be fun!

Be back in a few days!

I Salute You!

2007-09-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

I salute you, Mr. Waffle House cook! For keeping up with the orders of every single patron in the building. Cooking eggs, frying patties, making waffles and crisping those endless piles of hashbrowns.

Seriously, I'm not a fan of Waffle House. But it's been kind of a tradition this year with the beau to head on over to the local one after we finish tearing down the sound systems and equipment for the football games.

For some reason, he seems to enjoy the sub-par foods but I'll give him his wanted rewards because he deserves it after working so hard throughout the day.

But I do have to give kudos to the cook who always seems to be there every Friday night after the game. It's just him keeping up the orders for 4-6 waitresses. There's no order slips or computer screens to remind him of what the orders are. He gets a verbal list, repeats in and then moves on his way. I swear, the boy multi-tasked these multiple item-orders like they were nothing.

When I was waiting tables at a local restaurant chain, there were 3 cooks doing the job this guy was.

I hope they're paying him decently because he was fun to watch; making omelettes, getting every fried egg correct, while still buttering the toast and dressing those burgers.

We need more hard workers like yourself making our food.

Operation: Day Trip

2007-09-19T20:12:00.000-05:00

Here it is, my third official day on vacation and I haven't really done much other than go to the gym, catch up on television that I've been missing, played my games, and eat.

I'm getting really ansy to get out and do something, anything. Right now it isn't possible as the middle of the month has hit (like it does every 30 days or so) and we've finished paying our largest car payment and rent which leaves us with just about nil in extra cash until the beau's payday on Friday.

I think the beau has noticed this as well, because he surprised me during a phone call earlier. Since I'm the accountant, he asked me if I could look over our money for the next couple of weeks and see if we can afford to go out of town this weekend.

When he arrives home, I do this deed and see that it is entirely possibly we could make a small trip considering we don't go pimping or throwing bills outside our hotel room window.

I figure he had something planned when he mentioned it during our prior conversation, but true to his personality it was just a thought and so now everything is left up to me to decide.

Now, making a decision for myself is pretty darn easy but hoping it'll be something he cares to do as well usually ends up being a frustrating process. I usually end up making him tell me what things he's interested in and then make my choice from there.

So this leads me into trying to put together an idea of where I want to go, and what "I" would like to do while there.

We're constricting the trip to around a 4hr drive. Nashville and Atlanta are both good choices for a getaway. I just have to narrow it down.

I'm leaning toward Nashville as I've always been through the city and haven't actually experienced anything. So here's my question to you all. I'm going to be doing my research anyway, but I would like your feedback on where I should go and what I should do. I have a general idea of what I want so here we go, (also, right now I'm only assuming it's going to be a one day trip...but I'm going to push for an overnight):

1. I'm kinda interested in seeing Graceland (of course), but for those who've been there...is it worth the hype? Interesting stuff even for a person who isn't really big on Elvis, but can enjoy the estate for other reasons?

2. Historic or Noteworthy places of interest I might be able to see?

3. I always like to visit a mall in areas I visit...so what's the best mall to go to? I'm not partial on stumbling into malls or neighborhoods that are the wrong end of town. Hate feeling uncomfortable in areas I'm not familiar.

4. The gay nightlight. I definitely want to hit a club if I can convince the beau. Since it's going to be a one-night deal at the least I want to be sure I pick a fun experience. I can pull up lists of bars all day but I won't be able to know the crowds, atmosphere, parts of town, etc. It'll probably be a Saturday night and I'm good for two types of places. 1) A younger atmosphere type club. Pop-oriented dance music (light on r&b/hiphop), just a young fresh fun feel. 2) Friendly open-atmosphere pub type of bar. Sit down, have conversations and just lay back.

I appreciate any help and insight as I start my search for the beginnings of my mini vacation away.

Jason Wade

2007-09-18T07:19:00.000-05:00

Like in my post discovering Milo Ventimiglia in the latest Fergie video, I rediscovered the band Lifehouse. Well, not "rediscovered" I guess considering I'm still very much aware of them through the radio and Itunes. But having the time to catch up on recent music videos DID re-introduce me to just how pretty the lead vocalist Jason Wade truly is.

Beautiful lips and eyes. Boyish face and and a nice lean build. Love his haircut too.

Here's the current single, "The First Time." Enjoy the great song and his beautiful self. I know I will be replaying it a few times.

Because I Can

2007-09-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

Ahh Monday. For the first time, I can say that and not squirm in agony as the beginning of my work week would be beginning.

Sunday and today I looked very much like these guys above. They're the boys' kittens who are usually wreaking havoc throughout the house. But since the temperature has started to cool down to true fall numbers, we've been keeping the windows open to air out the house and provide a nice natural breeze.

It's amazing how much the hustle and bustle of everyday life makes you forget some of the better parts of life. 9 hours at work, around an hour at the gym, time spent eating, driving and doing chores throughout the day and that leaves maybe 5 or so hours of free time before having to be in bed at a reasonable time to start it all over again.

So my days usually end up being pretty systematic and predictable.

I got to do some things these first two days of vacation that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I'm the type of person that feels like in my free time I need to be working towards finishing things. Whether it be posting here, balancing our checkbooks or whatever. I felt like I had to get things done in my own personal time to make me feel like I'd done something useful in my life that wasn't work oriented. I like having a feeling of personal accomplishment so that I don't feel like I'm living just to work and pay bills.

I actually spent about three hours just laying and snuggling with my beau yesterday. It's been a long time since that's happened...usually only on weekend mornings when I happen to have a saturday or sunday off. That was a great feeling and I could have fell asleep at anytime. He puts off this body heat that is just impossible not to have to fight that feeling of warm drowsiness.

Then, today, I actually was able to take my puppy out to the backyard and just let her run and have a good time without a precursor of having her do her natural duties. She enjoyed that ever so much. She was zipping up and down the yard just for the heck of it. Just because she can.

And that's how I plan to spend this two weeks. Re-examining the good things that I have either missed out on or have lost sight. This will be good for me, and rejuvenating.

You know why? Because I can.

New do!

2007-09-16T21:17:00.000-05:00

Friday night started the first steps into my much needed 2 week vacation.

I was supposed to go with the beau to his football team's first away game but it was rainy and muggy and I'm not a happy camper when I'm getting wet. I can take the heat, cold, snow...but put me in the rain and I will crumple up in a ball and waste away.

So I didn't go to the game and decided to hang out at the mall versus spending the evening with my roomie's two boys asking all kinds of insanely annoying questions to drive me mad.

I ended up deciding to get a haircut and color. Yeah, how gay can I be. It sounds even more gay now that I'm typing but hey, I had a good time so whatever, lol.

Well, to be more accurate, I came in for a haircut and got talked into a color and highlights. Yeah, even more points added to the gay meter.

There was a little salon that I used to frequent a while ago and decided to search it out. Later finding out that it had closed and was now replaced by a cigar/cigarette specialty shop.

As it was rainy and I didn't feel like getting out and driving around the city looking for another salon I knew about I decided to search around and see if there was any more salons I may want to consider while I was here. I found this one place, but they decided they were taking their last client at 630pm on a Saturday evening. That was a bit odd hearing since most places tend to want to stay open later to, you know, make money.

I found this modern little place hidden away. Had a great experience and the little gay boy that did my hair was adorable and very into his work. I decided I was open to options as long as I kept the basic length in my bangs. I'll definitely be back to him for my cuts. I haven't had a personal stylist in a long time, it'll be nice again.

So here it is. I'm enjoying it, very different and fun. You like?

Actually...Using...PTO...? Me?

2007-09-13T21:01:00.000-05:00

You know what's great? Seeing my managers and co-workers squirm as they find out that I am finally taking my long overdue vacation time.

You see, my General Manager can take a week and a half off every three months and come back and not have missed a beat. Same for either one of her supporting managers. If my Logistics Supervisor or our other Moves Director goes on PTO, I'm there to pick up the slack and carry things along.

But when I'm ready to finally take my PTO, I have my hands in so many areas and run so many parts of the store that it's practically a wrench thrown into the gears. My GM looked at me today and was like..."two...weeks...". There was plans for me that I wasn't even aware of yet, that I'm kind of peeved me in ways. I've always had issues with communication and just throwing tasks at me.

You see, I basically coordinate the moves for 4 of the 6 departments, run the promotions and markdowns process, and take over for the other MC and LS when they can't be there (which is at least every monday since they both have college classes that day, on the BIGGEST shipment day of the week).

My GM was re-working the schedules to accomodate my absence when, after 2 months or so of this setup, she finally realized that all three of us are now absent on that day. I'm like .. yeah, you just now realize your supervisor and other MC are absent on that day.

I love her, but the store relies on me too much. Don't get me wrong, I love the responsibility. It gets me going in the morning. I have a reason to be there and know exactly what needs to get done on my ends. And heck, I don't mind getting the glory for just being me and having a good work ethic.

On the promotions/markdowns end of things I've also been regulated to train others in it. I've trained other managers and have had associates from new stores, such as the store I helped open, so that they would turn out to be another "me" in their store. That's their actual wordage, I'm not making that up. In fact, our outlet in Pigeon Forge is converting to a retail and I'm training two managers from the location tomorrow on our promotions system.

And technically I'm still just a full-time associate.

I'm making people sweat with the thought of my absence and hopefully that will help the powers-at-be help to eliminate that full-timer pay cap I'm currently at. But corporate works in funny ways.

During this much needed time-off I'm going to get started figuring out my game plan for Cosmetology School. Getting the final answer whether I can get financial aid and if not, how I plan to save the money to be able to do so.

Taking the PTO now will also help me accrue more vacation hours, as I've reached that limit. I'm real bad for not using vacation time. I just have a ton of responsibility and I hate putting off my departments to others to take care of in my absence, and then coming back to have to fix things.

That, and the beau and I never have enough extra cash to be able to get out and travel or have an actual vacation. What's the point of taking vacation time if you can't have an actual vacation. I so want to visit the beach or run up to Six Flags or something. *sigh*

Oh well, here's so I'll be able to gain more PTO. *cheers*

My 9/11

2007-09-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

Just like many other bloggers out there, the 9/11 tragedy was a huge moment in our lives for various reasons. I too, feel like I should write about my feelings that day, since I've never done so and feel it will be good for me to put them down in the blog.

The morning the tragedy happened I remember so surreally. Probably the most eye-opening, bigger-than-I-am experience I've ever felt. I was working as a server for a popular breakfast restaurant chain at the time (you guessed it, for five years), and I was on the way to fill my lunchtime mid-shift.

I was listening to the radio and whatever song it was had finished, a news report followed soon after. Upon hearing about the hi-jackings, crashes, and the turmoil happening in New York...it became very clear to me that we could be at war. Not the war that I'm accustomed to hearing about overseas...in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iraq...but in our own homeland. That very real and very scary thought occured to me then. Co-workers were talking about walking out that day, wanting to spend the time with their families versus delivering eggs.

I no longer felt safe, and that my ideal of what life was could possibly change.

The imaginary wall that lived somewhere in my subconcious, which made everything within the United States immune to all the strife other countries battled with daily, disappated. We were no longer immune to the outside world. Someone finally took a stand against us (regardless of motives or rationale).

I feel for everyone who dealt with this tragedy in any remote way. Whether you lost a loved one, worked in the scene, or personally knew people involved. I was hundreds of miles away and safe as it turned out.

It be best Mr. Bush remember as well... and most importantly, learn from it.

Just Press Play

2007-09-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

Boo. After the beau and I got home from our various dealings, we decided to watch our newest Netflix movie shipped to us: "Saved!" I've been wanting to see it for a while but never have picked it up but now due to the saving grace that is movies delivered to our mailbox I have no reason to miss out on all the movies I wanted to see in the past.

I pulled it out of it's wrapper, put it in the machine and waited eagerly for it to start.

"Check disk in tray..."

What...?

Pulled out the disc and there was a big crack in it. So sad. But thankfully Netflix is real good about damaged DVDs and stuff. Just reported the issue, requested a new copy and am going to mail off the broken one tomorrow.

Oh well, I can watch it soon enough. ^^ Now to try to get the beau to watch the QAF season 4 dvd we've been holding onto for a couple of months. Grr. I may just watch it without him. :P

What a weekend!

2007-09-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

This weekend was such a whirlwind of events. Unusual in my world for the most part but the beau has recovered well from his back surgery and is back to doing some of the extracurriculars he enjoys. And since we haven't been out and actually done anything fun-wise in a while, this was quite the change.

Helped out with the beau's high school football team after I got off work. He basically runs all the speaker systems and upkeep of the electronics. I'm there to make sure he doesn't overstress his back again, but I've enjoyed coming out on the Friday home games and helping. And by gosh, I learned a little bit about football these five years doing it as well.

Saturday was all about getting on the lake. Because of the beau's back issues we haven't been able to utilize our boat as much this summer as we had liked to....well, we really haven't used it at all. So this was the perfect day to get it out of our systems. Come to think of it, I should've had the beau take a picture of me for the blog but I wasn't really thinking about it then.

I had a real good time even through the heat. I'm not a swimmer, so getting out in the lake isn't one of my first options. Well, it's not that I can't swim. I can. Took classes in it and can demonstrate different strokes. It's just that I don't float or tread water well at all. A lot of work for little, skinny me.

Even TJ went with us and she was totally excited to be out and about. She was more adventurous than previous times. Running up and down the boat and peering out the sides. Standing on edges and climbing up the windshield to reach the beau as he was piloting the boat.

She's too cute. When we'd get up to faster speeds and the winds would pick up, she'd run underneath the steering area to hide. She hates not being close to either of us, so while she's there she would stare longingly at us as if saying " I so want to be with you!"

The picture above is after the beau first got in the water and brought her in with him. As soon as she's in, she goes straight back for the boat. It was too cute! Every ounce went into getting back to the boat. We dried her off pretty well, but even when we started moving again she began to shake so the beau's mom (who came with us and helps us pay for the boat) covered her up in a towel.

Definitely a good weekend overall. One I'll remember for this year. ^^

Social Dichotomy

2007-09-04T21:11:00.000-05:00

It's odd how my mind works at times. I've longed for ages for another gay guy to start working with me. I'm thinking, hey this is retail. There should be loads of gay bois breaking down the doors to work here. But apparently in this part of Knoxville (which is the higher end side), all the gay bois want to work the higher end stores.

But here in the last week or so, I've had two other gay folk join the troops. One an older gentleman who reminds me of the queens who make a living out of being at their respective bar. I don't know if this actually true about him though. I really haven't exchanged words with him and he probably thinks I'm stuck up or something. All I know is that he's a friend of our CS supervisor, and they go to the same church. Imagine that. He seems kinda nice, although he just FEELS like drama and tis why I really haven't said anything to him.

The second guy is a transfer in from the Cookeville store. He apparently just wanted a change, and up and moved here to Eastern Tennessee. I, of course, didn't find this out from him but from some co-workers who had discussed this him seconds before. The glory of gossip helped me in this time of need.

He's incredibly handsome, mid-twenty-ish, always smells fricken' good. He's the type of gay boi I would believe to be way out of my league. He seems well-grounded, self-assured, and assertive in that necessity kind of way...not the drama-tastic kinda way many of the gay folk revolve around.

So, like I said, my mind works in funny ways. Now that I have the option out there of talking to another gay guy at work, it's surprisingly harder for me to strike up conversation. It suddenly becomes this game (in my head) of, "do they like me?, do they hate me?"

In the case of the transfer-gay, I'm just purely intimidated and that's usual me. I also don't want to come off like I'm hitting on anyone (in the case of transfer guy) and ruin a possible friendship from the get-go. Or that I'm inviting someone to hit on me (cue older guy). I just tend to worry about things too much.

Transfer-boy and I shared a break together the other day and really we didn't speak the whole time. It was kind of tense.

Another co-worker was there, Chelsea, and she's this little red-head with a big southern personality and she broke the silence quite a bit as usual. I wanted to talk, to say hi or whatever, but I felt obligated to say something fun, witty, or .... important, y'know. If I couldn't come up with any of that, it was worthless. It's almost like playing the dating game. Or it feels like it.

So I really didn't say much of anything...at least to T-B. So sad.

With my straight co-workers I'm just myself and say what I want to say and am very personable. With my gay brethren, I feel like there's some kind of standard or responsibility I need to live up to. I guess, even at 29 years of age I still don't know how to converse with a member of my own sexuality without a bar, party or my home backdropped behind me.

I've alluded to my problems with social anxiety in the blog, but in this situation it's ever so prevelant. It's crazy, among my straight workers it's all business type relations to me and I can openly converse but once some other gay folk join me it suddenly becomes personal and hard for me work within that same scenario...when I really want to.

It'll get better. They're both only two weeks old in the job so I'm sure I'll warm up and find my comfort zone. It's just strange how things work like that.

I do know that I made a step with Transfer-boy though.

At the end of my last shift with him, I had clocked out and went to use the restroom before leaving. The restroom is in the fitting room area and that just so happens to be where T-B and another co-worker is. I do my business, and come back out to leave.

I give my usual comment of "See ya later kids!" to them.

He turns and says "Fine, just leave." in that playful kinda manner, smile on his face and all. I was kinda awestruck because I wasn't expecting it. I tried to formulate some kind of response but I couldn't make out any words. I really just mumbled something incoherent and went on.

I do feel like I can finally carry on a social conversation now that the "ice" has be broken...but it'll still be tough for me.

In the very least I've been trying to give non-verbal cues to them both to suggest a "hi," or a "how ya doing?" to help baby-step my way through this situation. It really is this tense for me. So crazy, and it shouldn't be.

Does anyone else have issues like this when dealing with other gay guys in a work setting? Here I was wishing for a kindred spirit to share with at my workspace and when I finally get a couple it becomes a bigger ordeal than if it were just my straight workers.

Grrr...

Tuesday Morn

2007-09-04T06:28:00.001-05:00

Hey all!

Just a quick post before heading to work. I was gonna post last night after the gym but I came home with this huge headache. Well, big enough for me anyway since I rarely come down with any kind of ailment. Was pretty painful in the course of my history.

The beau finally mowed the lawn so it's nice and short. I forget how well-kept it can look once mowed. I'd do it on my own but the beau borrows a co-worker's mower and thus it's up to him to attain the necessary machinery.

Only a few more days till the first episode of "The Biggest Loser." Totally pumped for that!

Oops, time to head out. I'll try and post later tonight!

A Pleasant Surprise

2007-09-01T08:30:00.000-05:00

After posting about "Land of Confusion" the other day I realized I haven't watched any recent videos in a long time. This sent me searching my Tivo programming to find some video programs to quench this new craving.

I decided to watch a set this morning and had a pleasant surprise waiting on me. These past months I've became very familiar with Fergie's song "Big Girls Don't Cry" and it really has became my favorite among her releases, but checking out the video made me giddy like a schoolgirl.

Milo Ventimiglia is starring opposite her in the video. This boi would be my husband if I had the opportunity pick anyone in this small world to share my life. You may remember him from the television series "Heroes", playing the central figure Peter Petrelli. I also heard he had a role on "Gilmore Girls" as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

The dark hair, the five-o'clock shadow, the way his eyebrow curls and his eyes twinkle. Love every curve and line on the boi. Yum and double yum.

He spends pretty much the whole video shirtless (with fake tattooing but I can deal with that) and I even get some nice closeup views of his nips as Fergie's singing a few lines from his chest. Mmmm.

I think this program is "Keep Until I Delete"

Here's the video if you guys wanna check it out.

Search Results

2007-08-31T22:32:00.000-05:00

I just love the sampling of keywords that come upon my blog in cyberspace. Check out the last 10 searches:

08/30/07 20:18:31 bob harper shirtless (AOL)
08/30/07 19:00:23 biggest loser trainer, gay (Google)
08/29/07 21:58:42 What's Sabra doing (Google)
08/29/07 01:09:22 sytycd neil is gay (Google)
08/29/07 01:09:17 sytycd neil is gay (Google)
08/28/07 21:01:09 biggest loser my inspiration (Google)
08/28/07 16:57:46 is travis wall gay (Yahoo)
08/25/07 23:52:36 dudetube blogs (Google)
08/25/07 10:41:24 bodyspace (Google)
08/24/07 11:54:05 generic flip flops (Google)

And who would have thought that any of these would lead to me.

First Impressions

2007-08-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

On my way to the gym today I decided to stop by my local GNC to look at some weight-gainer supplements. I've been 110lbs since high school and I've been trying in futility these past few months to get up to 120-125 in order to help foster more muscle growth. But even with all the healthy eating and extra calories, it's been like a rollercoaster of gaining 5lbs, then losing it. It's like my body has been actively rebelling against me.

Anyways, I told you that to set you up for this. While I was there, I was talking to the worker. I had never navigated this store and I had no idea where to start looking and he was showing me the various brands and giving his suggestions.

During this interaction, a guy I recognized from the gym stopped in.

He's probably mid to late 30s, maybe stretching into early 40s but I doubt it. He's a handsome guy with longer dirty blonde hair. He's got great muscle definition and size but he's not huge, it seems more of an athlete's build versus being big just to be big. And a great determination.

From what I gather of his training, I want to say he's a competitive fighter or something. He makes circuits doing standard exercises from one-legged pushups to crunches to various leg and arm machines. He then spends a lot of time with the punching bag perfecting his punches and kicks, and then works one of those large situp balls like it was a wrestling opponent. Working around it, faking grabs and maintaining balance (at least what I can discern).

His actual purpose of this uncommon training (I use "uncommon" because it really is different from any of the training I've seen everyone else, including me, doing), I have not a clue but I've often imagined myself going up and asking him.

I always rule it out though because, just like the socially anxious person I am, I worry that every other person has probably interrupted his training to ask him the same thing and by the time I get to him it's annoying and I'd have peeved him off. Or that when I come up to ask him, he'll recognize my gay-voice (if there's such a thing) and think that I'm trying to hit on him or taint his image by being seen with a gay guy.

Btw these are just the versions of scenarios that play in my head and I've never gotten anything from his personality that would indicate he would react in that way.

But as I am sitting at one of the many ab benches, I have a great view of him working that punching bag and think these thoughts.

Back to today, I'm there at the GNC and fighter-guy walks in. The worker turns to him and obviously recognizes him. They exchange a couple of words, apparently fighter-guy is waiting on something to come in and was making sure that it was a few more days. It was confirmed, and he turned to leave.

I see him leave the store, I turn my head back and then turn to look at him again on the sidewalk and I see something that surprises me. I don't know why it surprised me but it did.

He had taken the hand of a little girl (presumably his daughter) and was escorting her across the parking lot. In the real world this wouldn't have seemed so odd, but only seeing him within the confines of the gym had biased my image.

I don't know why this revelation was so surprising. Is it because I saw him as strictly an athlete/fighter/wrestler and that having a family and playing father was out-of-character for the image I wanted him to have?

Will this make him seem more approachable to me now that i've seen a presumably softer side? I still am very curious as to why he trains so hard.

I doubt the last will ever happen, but it at least gives me more depth as to the person he is. Being a family man tells me that he has others to support and probably has a day job as well. Keeping himself in shape, trained, partaking in whatever he trains for, and still keeping a family together is hard work. And if my assumptions are right, he accomplishes it with a smile on his face.

It really shows that you need to constantly evaluate your views on people you may or may not know because you could be lacking in some critical information. Judging people on limited information could possibly hinder getting to know people for who they really are versus the image you've put together in your head.

Do we really have the people around us figured out? Or are we just telling ourselves that?

As I left the gym later today (earlier than my usual routine considering I was off today), I was pulling out of the parking lot and noticed him with his gym bag walking toward the entrance to start his training. It made me wish I had waited till later to work out.

"Land of Confusion"

2007-08-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

I have to thank one of my co-workers in part for this post because a conversation we had really inspired it.

It was our last shipment day of the week today, and there were a number of us in the backroom getting items ready to head out onto the floor. We had the radio on the local top40 station and during the lunch hours they play 80s music.

Genesis' "Land of Confusion" came on and my co-worker Andrea began discussing the song. It came out in 1986, so that made me 8 years old when the video was released. I guess that means I caught the video on MTV at some later time because I just can't see myself watching and retaining the experience for that long.

But I remember watching the video and it scared the crap out of me. Not in a boo/horror flick kind of way, but more of a "what-the-hell/nightmare-after-too-much-to-eat" way. The imagery just stuck in my head for years.

I remember the scariest part for me was the Ronald Reagan puppet thing. The ratty hair, wrinkled creases and that image of him coming up out of the water scared me to no end.

Andrea said the creepiest part for her was this little rat thing that showed up during the video. Viewing it again after all these years I found the rat she was talking about was during the "stone-age" scene. But the conversation turned into this big, drawn out thing with us trying to remember what exactly it was that made us feel that way.

Watching it another time really showed me I had reason to feel creeped out. Even today, the video sends chills up my spine. Maybe some of the new thrill/horror directors should take some notes.

Here it is , and be warned. *shivers in malcontent*

A Day of Rest

2007-08-29T21:52:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I haven't had this much "self-pleasure" in a long time and it felt good. TJ was very happy that I was finally spending time at home on an off-day versus having some kind of plans.

This is her during our first walk of the morning. She was so excited. Jumping around maniacally with that crazy-eyed look she gets when she's super-excited. Just fills this warm spot in my heart.

I ended up having the best sleep I've had in a while, getting up at about 10:30 or so. Then had breakfast and messed around on the computer in our bedroom while the roomie was putting her boys through home-schooling in the living area (where my comp setup is).

I think I've mentioned before, the beau has McAfee setup on our bedroom computer and somehow someway it makes accessing Blogger and Google Reader pretty much unaccessible. Has something to do with cookies but I have limited knowledge of comps in that sense and the beau has no clue as to how to fix it so I can access them on it.

I tried the google troubleshooting suggestions but they didn't work. At the logins for them both, they just keep rebooting on a never-ending cycle. If anyone has any tips as to how to fix it let me know, or give me a shout at my email.

So, I didn't to catch up on very many blog posts, as sitting in the same room as her trying to teach her two spoiled boys gets me frustrated at times. So many things I'd like to change with how they're being raised but it's not my choice in the matter.

I was needing to go grocery shopping anyway, so I decide that since it's my day off I should get out and enjoy myself.

One thing I had really wanted to do was head out to my favorite second-hand store and see what treasures I could find. I ended up picking up three new shirts. A cute vintage raglan, a lightweight hollister striped polo, and this sweet little number. Yes, I'm a stereotypical gay boy when it comes to clothes...I may not get to do it much, but it's soooo nice.

I saw it on the rack and my first thought was....okay. I'm usually not much for vnecks because I'm so small that they tend make me look like a boy wearing their dad's clothes. I decided to try it on anyway and I thought it was just so fricken cute. Very 70s with the fuzzy collar and striping. I also ended up picking up a tshirt at American Eagle in the mall.

I haven't been out shopping in ages and I love these times to myself, very calming for me. Alot of friends I talk to just can't seem to get out and do things without someone else. One co-worker commented that she feels awkward and like everything feels there's something wrong with her if she's eating out or doing things alone.

It's completely different for me. When I get out and have a quiet lunch to myself, spend an afternoon shopping or checking out guys at the mall... I consider it a personal "me time" and it really rebuilds my mental processes and fortitude. It's like all my tensions release during that time. It was nice.

Btw if anyone does any shopping at Guess, let me know how you can afford it. They have some cute stuff, but man I never knew they were THAT expensive.

To finish off an otherwise perfect day, the beau and I decided to take advantage of a couple of free movie tickets I won during a promotional event at work.

We went to the cinema at the mall and decided to eat dinner there. I was a bad, bad boy and fell prey to the smell coming from the steakery-hoagie place. I ended up getting a grilled buffalo-chicken sub with cheese/bacon fries (with ranch). Just typing it makes me immensely guilty but omigosh, if I cheat on my diet, let it always taste like this meal did. It was godly. A sweet nectar of goodness. I probably had about a full days worth of calories in that mess but it was my day and by gosh it was darn good!

By unanimous vote (and by unanimous, I mean me), we decided to see Hairspray.

Omigosh, it was so good! There wasn't a dead moment in the movie. My eyes were opened so wide as every shot had so much to see and take in. Each member of the ensemble pulled their own weight and took hold of every scene they were in, making it the best it could be.

I'm NOT a Travolta fan at all but he did really well with the part of Edna Turnblad. Nikki Blonsky was fun and charismatic as Tracy. James Marsden surprised me with how much I enjoyed him playing Corny Collins. Amanda Bynes was brilliantly clueless as Penny. Zac Efron was adorable as always and gave me a go at his honesty, lucky girl geting to kiss him at the end. Queen Latifah was effortlessly flawless. Just wow. This is a definite see in the theatre and own at home (along with the original of course).

VERY good day for me and much needed. Turned out a lot better than I had planned.

Too bad the laundry had to suffer, but hey it's either it or me. Night all :D

So tired...

2007-08-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

Wow. I am so tired and ready for my day off tomorrow.

I've worked myself these last few days with the new store I helped put together on Saturday and Sunday, taking on a large women's move on Monday and followed that up with a large men's move today.

Not to mention my hard workouts these first two days.

When I came home, I plopped down on the couch and all I wanted to do was relax. I hadn't turned on my tv or utilized my tivo in what seemed like weeks and so I watch a couple of "Biggest Loser" repeats and that made me happy.

I felt bad for the beau because all I wanted to do was disconnect and enjoy some "me" time. He's been making some great progress since the myriad of past instances I've wrote about, and I'm so very proud of him.

I'm a worrier by nature, and I constantly think that when I'm in "me" mode he'll perceive it as pushing him away. He doesn't think that, but it lingers in my head.

Its that kind of thought process that I believe keeps me from moving on with alot of my plans and conversations. The fear of misrepresenting myself. Sometimes I think I care too much about what others think of me.

I'm falling asleep here at the keyboard. Tomorrow's going to be nice. Catching up on blogs, sleep, and I may just watch my newest Netflix movie, "Pizza."

Have a good night all. I really appreciate everyone who reads the blog! And another big thanks to those who leave comments! Comments make me happy ^^

America's Junk Food Obsession has come to this...

2007-08-27T20:59:00.000-05:00

Well the fated day I have been dreading has finally come upon us.

Coming into work today, I printed out my "picks" (the forms sent to us by the distribution center letting us know what merchandise, for the most part, to expect) for today's shipment. I cringe every year I come across this time and as my eyes scanned the Baby Pick...I saw it...

skunk...mermaid...pirate...dragon...poodle??

It's Halloween product...and not just any product...the baby costumes. Gah! ><

And the sickenly cute, but most "what the heck were they thinking?" costume is...

A Hot Dog...? Really, the costumes are extraordinarily cute, but I am so glad my parents never put me in something like this to later show the world.

Wow...falling...prey...to the...cuteness...

From the ground up

2007-08-25T20:57:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been a busy one. I worked both Saturday and Sunday not at my own store, but at a brand new one that is opening in nearby Maryville. Above is a photo of the front entrance...not a great one, but one for me to remember.

In front were 4 to 6 huge dumpsters that were systematicly taken away and emptied throughout the days. 4 of them were mainly for all the cardboard boxes that held all the clothing and accessories we were to setup these next few days.

We took in the trucks, not through the back loading dock per usual, but through either set of double doors you see. We had 2 large semis full of merchandise yesterday and another today containing around 60,000 units: 40k yesterday and another 20k today.

I think I worked off about 5lbs both days making laps around the store, delivering the boxes to their respective departments. By the time both trucks were finished unloading I was already exhausted, but the fun stuff was just beginning.

When our product gets delivered to us, the items are contained in two distinct types of boxes. I call them "bulk" and "mixed" boxes. "Bulk" boxes carry only one type of item. These are usually the new items for the store, whether it be a new style of sweater, swim trunks, underwear, whatever. "Mixed" boxes primarily carry replenishment, additional units of merchandise that have been sold and are currently still carried in-store. They usually have numerous types of merchandise in them, which means quite a bit of sorting has to happen to bring all the similar pieces together.

You'd think it would be easier for the DC to put all similar items in the same box considering those items probably lived in the same area at the distribution center (just making a common sense assumption), but somehow one piece of numerous items seems to make more sense. Go figure.

You'd also think that considering the store has 0 pieces of merchandise within it's walls that we'd have the luxury of having "bulk" boxes of the similar items, considering all the product would be "new".

Boy, was I wrong. 99% of them were "mixed" boxes, which meant each department had to sort every single item of those 60k units. Fun times.

It wasn't really all that bad considering we were starting from a clean slate so to speak. It just felt like the DC took the opportunity to unload a lot of extra units on us versus setting aside bulk-wrapped units....and it took a lot of time, LOTS of time.

I was slated to help setup the boys department but yesterday's truck only had about 6 boxes worth of stuff for us and so after quickly dealing with those units, I went to help with girls. All I have to say about that department was wow.

There wasn't a whole lot of leadership going on in this area by the "department leader". If it weren't for her little nametag with the stars I probably wouldn't have known. If I had known more about how she had set up the department... I would've jumped in and taken charge. But a lack of knowledge of the surroundings and product coming in (girls is not one of my departments), made me hold back on the overall picture and take charge of the sorting process.

Most of the crew were brand new to the store/brand, as most (minus management and key staff) were hired and trained only weeks before. So that means many were still hesitant at digging in and taking initiative. Once I sat and got a process going, many saw what I was doing and followed suit. Some more quickly than others, but that's granted.

Today I to work in my slated department (boy's) considering most of it's product came in on this truck. At my store, I care for and set 4 of our 6 departments with boys being one of them. So it and the product felt like an old friend. Except this friend was much bigger than mine, about which I was very jealous. The shop came together very quickly considering there was only two of us working within it.

The whole experience was exhausting, but well worth it. I had a fun time.

There's still much to finish before their opening on Thursday though. I return to my store tomorrow, as our regular shipment days begin again.

It's a fond feeling taking something that started out empty and making a whole experience out of it. I can sit back and remember that i was there and made an impact on it's beginning and future (considering I also trained a number of their folks to do the jobs I perform at mine as well). I also got to meet a number of new faces and found it all very cathartic.

Definitely a time I will remember for a long while.

Odd Dream

2007-08-24T19:29:00.000-05:00

I had a really lucid dream this morning and it has kind of freaked me. It reminds me of a weird student film that you'd see at an amateur film-maker's show.

I have no idea what I was supposed to be doing in the dream. All I remember is I was tapping each one of my teeth and when I felt a loose one (and I'm talking loose, as in I actually felt how loose it was sitting in my mouth), it would wobble and I would take it out with very little effort or pause. Then I'd continue poking until I found another and do the same.

It has plagued me all day and has sent me into a kind of worry about how well I take care of them.

But since our minds work in subjective terms it could very well mean something else. Maybe telling me that instead of living with these rotten/bad parts, to get rid of things that are bad in my life. Each bad tooth I pulled may represent something in my life that I need to deal with and expel.

Crazy crazy dream though. So very lucid.

It's the Little Things

2007-08-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

I had an experience today that reminded me of a post from Debriefing the Boys. I tried looking for the link but sadly couldn't come up with it.

It dealt with sharing the same urinal wall as a guy you're interested in and the different sounds their flow can make. He thought that a guy with a nice strong flow, and whom wasn't shy about hitting the water was more attractive than those who try to hide the fact that they're urinating.

Anyways, I had just finished my workout at the gym and stopped by the restroom to relieve myself.

A number of months ago I had switched gyms partly because of the vicinity to home and partly because there was this manager guy who was obnoxious about trying to get me to buy training days even though I told him there was no way I could make that kind of investment.

Well, there was this trainer who also worked at my prior gym who was pretty hot. Not really my type but very nice to look at considering the lack of eye candy the place seemed to have (you'd think there would be more considering it's a gym).

Back to the point, I'd noticed this trainer had started working at my current gym a few weeks ago.

So there I am standing at the urinal finishing my business and who should decide to make use of the stall next to me...trainer cutie!

I, of course, take a deep breath and concentrate on the wall in front of me as I do every time I feel the urge. Not wanting him to think I'd want to see what he was packing, when the truth is that it's really what I wanted to do.

So his flow starts and it reminds of that post I mentioned earlier. It was a nice strong flow and he wasn't shy about it hitting the pool of water below. So now I've got this image of him being this nice, strong, fit male. Unabashed by what others think of him and holding his own. A very nice image for me in those brief seconds.

And then he farts...and it warps that whole previous image into the old guy I passed in the supermarket the other day, who let one fly in the juice aisle and thought nothing of it.

Fantasy shattered, I turn my heel and head into the changing room to grab my bag to head home. It's funny how little things like that can totally change your perspective of someone.

From now on he will always be connected with that fart. I will think of funny rhyming nicknames as he passes, and smell imaginary stinks when he wanders my way.

Makes me wonder what kind of things, unknown to myself, people equate me. Maybe in the case of trainer boy, it's better that I don't know.

The Update

2007-08-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

This post has been a long time coming and it's mainly because I have a personal boundary when writing about my relationship. I feel I can't be honest in my writing if the beau is in the same room. And since Thursday of last week it has been really difficult finding a spare moment to sit down and put my thoughts down due to the altercations and events that happened here at home.

This past week has been totally crazy and really earth-shattering in terms of our relationship to each other. It kind of all started breaking down last Thursday night. The roomie was out of town and her boys were with their grandparents.

We had just finished watching the "So You Think You Can Dance" finale and started settling into our own individual exploiots to finish off the night. I think I was beginning to catch up on blog posts I had missed or something. The beau began watching whatever it is he watches. He had a bit to drink that night but seemed fine.

At this point in time, I really don't remember the conversation that had begun but it soon erupted with the beau in an upright stalwart position tearing me down. He was literally yelling at me with anger in his face and I have no clue as to why it had occured.

For the first time in our time together, I wasn't able to keep my cool and snapped. I'm not proud of it but I got up and told him that I wasn't going to be yelled at anymore. I don't deserve that kind of treatment and it will not happen again.

This really sent a reality check to his now obviously intoxicated mind that I was serious about this and he broke down and saw himself, truthfully, for the first time.

We had a long disussion that night about our future and it revolved around me finally making my decision to break things off, and how he believes he's destroyed our relationship with many of the decisions he's layed upon our lives. Ranging from the debt we've amounted with the two vehicles he financed, to moving into this new place with a single mother and two boys where we have to feel like we need to censor ourselves. It is an odd coincidence than many of our major problems lately have occured after our move to this new place. Maybe there's just a bad vibe to the place.

In the end he decides that he's gonna go back to his mother's at some point in the next week and relieve all ties to me in the legal sense. Since he's also covered on my work insurance, he tells me that he doesn't want to use it for the surgery. I'm adamant about him still doing it but he still stubbornly declines.

The next few days we kind of tip-toe around each other. Exchanging niceities and glances toward one another but not really "saying" anything. I was trying to figure out a gameplan for myself and he trying to gather sympathy it seemed.

Fast forward to Sunday. I work until 6pm that night and I had a rather rough night at that. Pricekilling 4 clearance areas and then resorting them all into one area is a lot of work.

I come home and find the roomie, her boys, and the beau watching a movie. Appropriately it was "Godzilla."

I do my usual routine of calming the puppy down (she's ecstatic as soon as I walk in the door, excitedly jumping around my legs and heels), and making a trip to the bedroom to unload my bag and my pockets so I can begin my unwinding process from the workday.

The beau joins me in the room and he is totally sloshed. I mean droopy-eyed sloshed. Apparently this is the night where he decided to really roll over the breakup, what it would mean, and how to do it...while taking in excess amounts of gin.

While I was folding down the laundry I had set to dry before work, he begins to roll out all these scenarios he's worked up in his head. He didn't want me to carry the burden of the breakup. He wanted me to be the "good guy" and him the "bad guy". He would "disappear" on me sometime in the near future to his mother's and wanted to make sure that I would represent that it was all his fault.

The rest of the night ended up with much of this same back and forth. I just really sat back and let him talk because he was in such a state where if I gave any indication of disagreement it would cause an argument I didn't want to have.

There was a confusing block of time where he'd want me in the room with him, then not, and then again. Again, he was really sloshed so take this into consideration. During all this, he decides to close the door using the end of one of his crutches and loses balance. He topples to the ground, hitting his nose on the door and breaking a picture en route with his elbow. It was conveniently sitting beside the door and now shards of glass were scattered around him.

He lay there sobbing for what seemed like forever. The Looney Tunes framed poster staring at him, now naked with only it's image to protect. The glass never penetrated his skin but sill surrounded him like a strange accent piece.

The move was finally made to the side of the bed. He stayed propped there and continued on about how he would like our relationship to finish. He didn't want it but was working on what I expressed. He quoted a number of times a line I posted a while back..."You love me, but you don't like me." And it was true. I didn't like the person he had become and you all know that from past posts.

Thankfully, I finally got him into bed and asleep/passed-out.

What seems totally crazy is that with all the talking he did during these two nights, the next day he doesn't remember much if any of what went on. Crazy.

I explain and we continue to tip-toe around each other. I'm pretty much living daily at this point with the thought we have broken up and he's gonna disappear on me at some point. Which I was ready to deal with when it happened.

After all this, I need to explain things to him again and he blames his vocalizations on his drinking. That it's not what he really feels and he wants this to work out.

Update to today.

His back surgery was today and he came out new and improved. He can walk again without crutches and it's a great sight. He's quit smoking and vowed to not drink again.

We had a discussion concerning our future once again when we got home. He thanks me whole-heartedly for everything I've done for us and for him. He then makes an offer to become better for me and to reconsider my thinking.

Since he's made his stride in getting his operation finished, and quitting smoking...I decide to give him an indefinite "probationary" period. He's gonna work on the issues.

Quitting his drinking, controlling his temper and dealing with at-home responsibilities.

I warned him that my switch has still mentally turned to the "off switch" and it may not be that easy to win me back on us as a couple. We're gonna give it a try again, this time on more of a loose, open-ended basis. Because that's what I need.

If giving up the alcohol will bring the old beau back I'm all for it. but I let him know, it is still a probationary period and I still have the right to play my card.

My heart wants it to believe the subtraction of the drink will improve ourselves but I somehow doubt it will.

Until then I'll be supportive but living my own separate life regardless.

I need a vacation and some time off. I think i'll take it soon. Wish me luck, it's been a rough week.

Relationship status - Teetering

SYTYCD Final Fav Video

2007-08-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

Quite a bit late considering the finale was last Thursday, but my favorite routine of the Wednesday night performances was the pairing of Danny and Neil. Finally, with the final four performing everyone had the chance to dance with everyone else. Lacey, Sabra, Danny and Neil.

Mia Michaels put together the contemporary routine for them and oh my gosh, it was so good. Like an artistic orgasm.

Here it is, enjoy!

Also congrats to Sabra for taking the crown as "America's Favorite Dancer"!

3rd runner-up - Lacey
2nd runner-up - Neil
1st runner-up - Danny

Not forgotten

2007-08-19T19:23:00.000-05:00

Just to let you all know, I haven't forgotten about you all. A LOT has happened these past few days and I will be updating as soon as I get a moment to myself.

I will say that it's finally done...over and done with. And you'll know more once I have the time to sit without interruption. I'm ecstatic and nauseous at the same time. You'll find a clue by checking the tags.

To Be or Not to Be...

2007-08-12T21:09:00.000-05:00

I consider myself a social person, but like everyone else I like to have time to myself to help unwind.

Today was not that.

I wore myself out at work busting out our past 3 women's department shipments because of the backup getting ready for the Regional Manager's walkthrough directly AFTER Tax-Free Weekend, the weekend before school nonetheless.

I come back to two rambunctious boys who are being constantly disciplined. Which is granted, they are great boys with their mother, it's just for a couple weeks after spending the bulk time at their father's...it takes time to get them out of their "father's phase" as I'll call it. Adjusting to the changes are hard for an 8 and 9 year old. Night and day almost considering the two parents. So there is alot of emotion and personality clashes going on.

The beau I find has drank a bit before I came home. When I'm home I try to moderate him but I can't be here all the time. He seemed alright when I came home, but as the night progressed I was able to gauge his beginning time. Just one of those things partners are able to do.

Conversations between the roomie and us, I try to contain. It bothers me when he talks about stuff he doesn't know about. Here's a stupid example from tonight so that I don't get into the discussion we had about our roomie's fear her youngest could be facing an obesity problem in the future if needs aren't met early.

The stupid example from tonight was concerning "The Biggest Loser". I was watching an episode I had Tivo'd (I love the show, I even devoted a post as to why I love Bob Harper and TBL Here).

Anyways, the roomie and I were watching an episode of the special edition on my tv. The roomie makes the odd comment that she wondered if they ever gave a detailed idea of their diet while on the ranch. Before I can answer, the beau turns to her and shakes his head and says, "never."

Considering he's never actually sat and watched an episode with me. Only providing the odd glance at the tv once in a while during my viewings, I refute.

The special editions, like I've been watching lately, are only two episode editions and thus that extra info can't be including in detail. During the full-season single-competitor series you get a good glimpse at what their diet consists of at the ranch. Or at least an idealized diet in the least.

The thing is he made a definite comment on something he was unfamiliar with as fact...as did he in the conversation considering her youngest. Citing his growth as natural, and that it's nothing to worry about. The issue is he's 8 years old and 80+ lbs. Their father's whole side is "big-boned" and he's showing tendencies toward that side of the family. Me and the roomie are talking about starting to steer the youngest to start making better decisions in diet. The beau thinks that it's the rite of the child and that he'll grow out of it. Babyfat is common to carry and will disappear as he gets older.

Tis possible for his thoughts to happen, but that's all happenstance. I'm concerned considering his father's side and so is his mother.

In the end, I believe we'll still be working on getting him more active and making better food choices. It'll be hard because he's bull-headed and doesn't acclimate to change well. Wish us luck.

I know I wanted to dig my head into a pillow and disappear into my own world when I came home to the disarray. I just wanted to come home, listen to some music, post in my blogs, and go to bed. But sometimes life gives you a better mission to tackle as well. And it's all up to you to determine whether you'll help tackle it.

As far as I'm concerned, if mother is full-force then I'm gonna be there to back her up. Whether the beau feels the same or no.

FYI: The beau did later say that he may not be able to empathize very well considering he's got a great metabolism. And I will back that considering the amount of carbs the boy takes in. He lives off of potatoes. So I will give him that.

Enjoy the Silence...While You Can

2007-08-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Last night was a fun night I have to say. I got off half a day early since I came in to work half a day on Wednesday (my off day).

The beau and I had lunch together and I had a great workout at the gym. I've also posted a new blog post and new measurements on my BodySpace Account. I'm really happy with my progress and happy that I've shocked my system with the new workout.

Came home, showered, and then Russ came home. We ended up going out to eat and I managed to talk him into eating at Chili's. He was wary but it turned out to be a really great meal. I treated myself and still managed to eat relatively clean.

After dinner we decided to run over to the theatre and catch The Order of the Phoenix for a second time. I have to say I enjoyed the movie much more this time around. I had no eager anticipations, no discouragements about changes or parts that were left out. It was so much more enjoyable for me without all the extra baggage. It really could be my favorite so far of the movies.

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I haven't mentioned this totally but my roommate has two boys who also live with us. I haven't blogged about them much because for the last two months they've been with their father in Wisconsin. Well, she left yesterday afternoon and returned this evening. The silence I enjoyed for the last two months is now officially over. *sigh*

Goodbye hot boy on my background. Goodbye photos of hot boys scrolling across my screen in screensaver mode. Hello 8 and 9 year old kid drama. Eh, it's a lot better than what I'm rambling about. They're good kids. I will miss my space and silence. But the roomie is definitely glad to have them back. She's been lonely and depressed off and on for a while. Definitely that bond between mother and child.

I've had a number of people tell me (including the beau) that I'd make a great father/parent. I'm not so sure. I've found working with and dealing with the boys that I can be incredibily selfish. I don't mind doing things for and with them, but when it starts cutting into time I consider "me" time...I start to get selfish. Maybe that's natural for all and can be something I will adapt and change with depending on my exposure.

In any case, their return means at least a slight change in everyday life for me. Could be a good thing but I do miss the privacy.

A Busy Beginning of the Week

2007-08-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

Been real busy these last few days. Wouldn't you guess after all the hell of Tax-Free weekend, we had a visit to prepare for from the Regional Director. That meant a whole lot of mass cleanup, renovation, and just plain perfection planning. Considering we're the home store for our district manager (don't start me on her) and training store for the area, we had to set a prime example.

And we did just that. Putting some general projects aside, we pulled everything together and really provided an almost flawless walk-through. The only store to pull off the feat I must say. Very proud of our store and the teamwork and knowledge it took to pull it out.

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Received my next movie from Netflix the other day and it was "Norbit." I had some great expectations for this movie considering I totally enjoyed the commercials and knew Eddie Murphy's successes with similar movies (Nutty Professor, The Klumps).

I have to say I was let down. I expected so much more and all I got was unfunny gag-jokes and unmemorable ensemble characterization. The only high-point I had was Murphy's portrayal of Norbit himself. I really enjoyed that character. He had every range of emotion and was believable (despite the forced mode of speech he used).

I expected a whole lot out of Murphy's portrayal of Rasputia (spelling?) considering the whole selling point of the movie is this "large" character. The attempts at making the character unique, memorable and edgy just never became fruitful. The character really relied on old fat jokes and gimmicks and nothing given was twisted in any sort of new way to at least try to pass as a new take on an old joke.

It also seemed that the special effects budget was significantly lower than that of the "Professor" and "Klump" movies. There were scenes where you could definitely tell that they were on a green screen or projection screen, and methods of imposing Murphy's made-up head onto his large body double at times seemed awkward for camera angles and not great for the story.

Even during the "making of" portion of the DVD, it seemed like the director was apologizing for the movie. Continuously citing that it was difficult to bring the movie from storyboard to film.

Overall it was okay (if I had no idea of Murphy's previously themed movies), just didn't live up to it's expectations. Definitely a one-time watch/rent, never a buy.

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I've also updated my BodyBlog a few times this week. Check it out!

I've also decided to provide a separate email address for the blog considering I have been having trouble sorting mail in my main account and missing things.

Forgive me if I haven't replied. >< The new address is in my profile now. So update accordingly ^^

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I also want to say thank you to all for visiting my blog and caring about what I say. I definitely enjoy all the comments and mail I get!

SYTYCD Thursday

2007-08-09T20:56:00.000-05:00

You know what's funny? I was checking the stats from my sitemeter and of course they list the last 10 searches that led to my blog from whatever browser.

What's funny is that the last 6 searches have to deal with SYTYCD's "Neil shirtless". One of the searches was a variation on "is Neil gay?" Too funny but hey it's exposure.

Tis time for my favorite dance of the week and oddly enough it's Neil once again, paired with my girls final favorite Sabra doing a Mandy Moore Jazz routine.

Great choreography and danced very well. I love the table as a prop for them and the way it's used to convey their "story".

My picks for the finale:

Girls - Lauren should be going home. This has been Sabra and Lacey's game for pretty much the whole show. My votes will be going toward Sabra on the girls side of things.

I think Lacey is talented but I haven't found her very likeable personality-wise. She's also got the Benji-train behind her, but hopefully Sabra's fans can pull her forward.

Guys - Hard decision on who should go here. My personal favorites are Neil and Pasha and wouldn't be the least bit sad if they ended in the final together.

Danny is a super-great dancer though and he's finally opened up and grown on me. Any combination of the boys will make me happy in the final. I enjoy them all. If I HAVE to give a guess... Danny could be in danger solely because he came in late in the likeability phase.

I would most like to see Neil and Danny in the finale. Would be great to see them dance together.

My Bodyspace account

2007-08-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

Just an FYI, I felt awkward posting about my workout progress and posting pics of the progress within this blog. A few days ago I was reading through a fitness magazine and read about a section of the Bodybuilding.com website called Bodyspace.

Kind of like a combination myspace/blog/planning site. It's the perfect venue for me to write about my progress and to post pics hoping to prove my progress. Give it a look. I'm still working at it as it really is all-emcompassing. Candy store-like.

Here's the link to my Bodyspace account, pay careful attention to catch my Bodyblog link as well. It can be accessed from the Space account and the blog links have feed capabilities so readers will function with it.

Not gay-centralized, but it definitely suits the purposes I wish it to.

I've also provided the link in the shoulder as well. Help keep tabs on me! Otherwise I'll let you know when I update it with a post on here ^^

Social Responsibility

2007-08-05T20:01:00.001-05:00

Finally, this weekend is over.

It's been tax-free weekend in Tennessee and that basically means the store being even busier than both Black Friday or any of our Holiday days. Last year, this weekend was our biggest sales days with Saturday peaking and this weekend continued that tradition. We blew away a ton of numbers and the store looks like a hurricane hit it.

That hurricane of course is a mass of people overtaking the area. Devouring the clothing as if it were high-dollar items in a free buffet.

It amazes me at the lack of tact, respect, responsibility and guilt a majority of individuals show.

It reminds me of a case study we discussed during a social psychology class. There was a man walking down a slightly rougher end of town in broad daylight. There were people sitting around footsteps, looking out their windows and sitting on their balconies enjoying the sun.

Two men caught up with our walker and proceeded to beat him down and take his wallet. It wasn't a quick job with an equally hasted retreat. The walker put up a tad of a fight and thus the altercation took quite a bit longer to finish.

In all this time there was not a soul who had made a call to the authorities or stepped in to help this man. It was the theory of "diffusion of responsibility" in action.

There are others around so everyone believes that there should be somebody who's calling. I don't need to take a step in the right direction because someone has probably already done it. The only probably is, everyone is thinking that someone else is gonna be able to do the deed...and sadly for the poor man, no one did.

The more people you crowd into a place, general morals and responsibility seem to go out the door.

"Someone will be able to clean this up"

"No one else is making an effort to do ___. So why should I. "

"I want to try these shoes on..." *tries shoes on and they don't work* "hmmm...someone will come along to hang them back up so I'll just leave them sitting here in the middle of the floor for everyone to step over and add to the already growing pile.

Sorry, had to add in that last one. It, in general, is the kind of shopping attitude I'm talking about in connection with the story I told earlier. Connected by a similar moral...taking responsibility. Whether it be to make the first step among many to get a good deed done (as in alerting the authorities, or drawing attention to the crime) or simply by taking responsibility for one's own actions.

If this store were your house, would you treat the items within differently? I have a constant thought that comes to me when situations similar to this occurs. People find things that they want and it's GOLD. Don't attempt to pry it from their hands or get in the way of finding that size.

But if it's not what they're looking for, it may as well be trash. People could care less about the stack they just massacred...or the fact that they're one-hand groping items and in the process putting things in a position to be a hassle later for others.

Thinking the whole time that an employee will be along at any time to fix the occurrence. Unaware of the fact the majority of employees during these hugely busy times are preoccupied with filling every register to ring people out (7 in our case), keeping the fitting rooms organized/cleaned and moving (2 people), processing and bringing the ten tons of merchandise brought to try on in the fitting room and rejected (at a minimum 2 but usually is 3), plus people being shuffled for well-deserved breaks.

Where does one start to align recovery forces against a hurricane when they're devoted to aiding it?

I'm not saying to do our jobs for us, don't misunderstand. Just asking that when you're in places of retail ( or any place of business for that matter ) to try and treat everything you touch as if it were your own and people around you as if they were a friend.

Yes, I'm talking about those candy apple red skinny-fit jeans or that lady walking down the aisle with a double occupancy stroller.

There's a personal and social responsibility that people seem to forget as soon as they walk into establishments plagued by exaggerated versions of customer service.

I appreciate the people who come to our store, and appreciate the business they bring. I just wish more people, like me, took pride in the endeavors they grace.

The next time you walk into a busy store, take note. Are people showing a personal responsibility for their actions? Respect for the people around them? Are you paying the proper respect to merchandise within the store? Without making excuses, but taking on a natural personal responsibility.

In our society as it is today, it seems to me that there is a surprising lack of it. A lot of our beliefs and thinking is centered around ourselves and what is best for us. Sometimes, especially in social settings, take a step back and think...

"What is best for the people around me?"

SYTYCD Thursday - Faves

2007-08-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

This isn't as great as having Neil shirtless but I did promise my favorite routines of the night and they've been posted finally.

I was tickled to see Sabra And Pasha together at last. It was the first time two of my favorite dancers on the show were put together. Both their Broadway and Qucikstep routines were wonderful. The beau has been watching with me and says their definitely final material. I would love to see a ballroom boy make it to the finals. *crosses fingers*

I was very sad to see Sara go though. I was hoping it was Laur=en's night and I've have at least one more week of her.

So here they are my favorite dance routines (non-Neil shirtless) videos with Pasha and Sabra.

STYCD Thursday

2007-08-02T21:19:00.000-05:00

OMG, my Sara went home! I totally thought it was Lauren's night and Sara's wouldn't be until next week. What probably did it for Sara was that sad "Push It" routine and wardrobe. Especially the wardrobe.

But anyways, I'm gonna give you my favorite dances of the night. But before I give it, I have to give this dance becasue it will forever be etched into my memory. Neil, with Lacely in a Latin Jazz routine, is FINALLY shirtless and my mouth was dragging the floor the whole time. This boy can take me so hard. My legs would be up in a moment. I know, you've never heard me be so candid...but my gosh, just look at him.

I'll have to get back to you on my actual favorite choreography as the video hasn't been posted to youtube yet. But Neil will keep me quite entertained until then.

Such a beautiful young man.

TJ Triumphant!

2007-08-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

I just had to post the conclusion to TJ's big day.

I have to say she was an incredibly brave and good girl today! Maybe it was because I was there with her and no other animals were around. She whined a bit but otherwise she was great.

I found out alot of information I otherwise didn't know... mainly flea and worm prevention, the various shots that were needed, and info on what products are quality to use for our pets and which are really not worth it.

I feel like I have a better idea of how to keep her healthy and happy. She has all her shots and is now legally immunized! I also have a better idea at what kind of mixed breed she is. We knew she was mixed but always considered her a cairn terrier of sorts, but Sara (the vet) put her as mostly dachshund (the eyes, ears, body length, modified snout, plus the whine and nosing motions she makes) and possibly schnauzer to qualify her coat and color.

To top it all off, she is totally WORM-FREE! She came back negative on all counts and the kittens were the culprits...probably have had it since their birth considering the size of the buggers found the other day. Not that I prefer the kittens to have it, just glad TJ was alright. We now get to fix the kittens, but I'm sure they'll pull through the medication phase.

I was so proud of her today. She took her shots and medicine with grace, was cordial and patient with the vets, and I really felt like we've treated her and "raised" her right. Considering she was a stray when we took her in...it really made me proud.

3 cheers for Ms. TJ! (Can you tell I'm ecstatic?)

Worms Info

2007-08-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really sure how animals get worms and this is some information I found on the Dog Owner's Guide.

Introduction
Dogs are victims of several internal parasites frequently referred to as worms. The most common are the roundworms that infest most puppies at some time in their young lives and tapeworms that can be a big problem when flea infestations are high.

Evidence of roundworms and tapeworms can be seen without the aid of a microscope, but other worms are not so easily diagnosed. Occasionally adult whipworms can be seen in the stool when the infestation has already caused some debilitation or weight loss in the dog.

Early diagnosis of the presence and species of intestinal parasite is important, for not all worms respond to the same treatment. Therefore, stool samples should be taken to the veterinarian for microscopic examination if worms are suspected. Many veterinarians include the stool check as part of the annual health examination.

Most worm infestations cause any or all of these symptoms: diarrhea, perhaps with blood in the stool; weight loss; dry hair; general poor appearance; and vomiting, perhaps with worms in the vomitus. However, some infestations cause few or no symptoms; in fact some worm eggs or larvae can be dormant in the dog's body and activated only in times of stress, or in the case of roundworms, until the latter stages of pregnancy, when they activate and infest the soon-to-be-born puppies.

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Roundworms
Roundworms are active in the intestines of puppies, often causing a pot-bellied appearance and poor growth. The worms may be seen in vomit or stool; a severe infestation can cause death by intestinal blockage.

This worm can grow to seven inches in length. Females can produce 200 thousand eggs in a day, eggs that are protected by a hard shell and can exist in the soil for years. Dogs become infected by ingesting worm eggs from contaminated soil. The eggs hatch in the intestine and the resulting larva are carried to the lungs by the bloodstream.

The larva then crawls up the windpipe and gets swallowed, often causing the pup to cough or gag. Once the larvae return to the intestine, they grow into adults.

Roundworms do not typically infest adults. However, as mentioned above, the larvae can encyst in body tissue of adult bitches and activate during the last stages of pregnancy to infest puppies. Worming the bitch has no effect on the encysted larvae and cannot prevent the worms from infecting the puppies.

Although roundworms can be treated with an over-the-counter wormer found in pet stores, a veterinarian is the best source of information and medication to deal with intestinal parasites. Dewormers are poisonous to the worms and can make the dog sick, especially if not used in proper dosage.

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Hookworms
These are small, thin worms that fasten to the wall of the small intestine and suck blood. Dogs get hookworm if they come in contact with the larvae in contaminated soil. As with roundworms, the hookworm larvae becomes an adult in the intestine. The pups can contract hookworms in the uterus and the dam can infest the pups through her milk.

A severe hookworm infestation can kill puppies, but chronic hookworm infection is usually not a problem in the older dog. When it does occur, the signs include diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and progressive weakness. Diagnosis is made by examining the feces for eggs under a microscope.

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Tapeworms
Another small intestine parasite, the tapeworm is transmitted to dogs who ingest fleas or who hunt and eat wildlife infested with tapeworms or fleas. The dog sheds segments of the tapeworm containing the eggs in its feces. These segments are flat and move about shortly after excretion. They look like grains of rice when dried and can be found either in the dog's stool or stuck to the hair around his anus. Tapeworms cannot be killed by the typical over-the-counter wormer; see the veterinarian for appropriate treatment.

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Whipworms
Adult whipworms look like pieces of thread with one end enlarged. They live in the cecum, the first section of the dog's large intestine. Infestations are usually light, so an examination of feces may not reveal the presence of eggs. Several checks may be necessary before a definitive diagnosis can be made.

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Prevention
Several worms that infect and reinfect dogs can also infect humans, so treatment and eradication of the worms in the environment are important. Remove dog feces from back yards at least weekly, use appropriate vermicides under veterinary supervision, and have the dog's feces checked frequently in persistent cases. Do not mix wormers and do not use any wormer if your dog is currently taking any other medication, including heartworm preventative, without consulting the veterinarian.

When walking the dog in a neighborhood or park, remove all feces so that the dog does not contribute to contamination of soil away from home as well.

Dogs that are in generally good condition are not threatened by worm infestations and may not even show symptoms. However, it's a good idea to keep the dog as worm-free as possible so that if disease or stress do take a toll, you're not fighting worms in a sick pet.

[ Heartworm disease: an ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure]

Norma Bennett Woolf

The only signs TJ really shows is the spitup and sometimes hacking. *crosses fingers*

My Poor Little Girl...

2007-08-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was going relatively well at work. We had got a HUGE shipment on Monday and were still working on it through Tuesday. It's only the beginning of August and we've already finished up our Fall 1 line of merchandise. Well...not finished up as in it's gone, just that they are now ready to start sending the "August" Book of Fall Merchandise.

We've just came out of a huge summer clearance sale which wasn't all that great. We still have quite a bit...we were hoping for an extra percentage off to help move it to make more room for the fall merchandise, but it didn't happen.

The women's department was going through a full breakdown and rebuild courtesy of sending a whole truckload of new merchandise from the next book. We finally get things set to the current one and BOOM.

*sigh*

So here I am halfway through my workday. I had just made a trip to the store to pick up lunch. I walk back to the store, pop in my Lean Cuisine Chicken dinner-thing and I get a call from the beau. I anticipate that he's probably going to tell me that he's heading home...but the news I got was not what I wanted.

He tells me that he just got a phone call from our roommate saying that she was worried about our dog TJ.

Playing catch up, the beau found her abandoned and roaming around his workplace parking lot around 3 years ago. It was a cold, rainy day and she was soaked to the bone and freezing. He feels sorry for her and considers taking her in as a gift to me of sorts. He takes her to many of the residences close to his office and asks around if anyone recognizes her or knows to who she may belong. No luck, and later that day he surprises me by waiting for her outside my work place.

Fast forward to now, she's had issues before with what I always termed a "funny tummy." She's had issues in the past year or more with random vomiting. She likes to eat very quickly, sometimes not even chewing her food and this is what we shrugged off as the reason.

Well, yesterday the beau gets a call from the roomie asking if we had fed TJ any noodles. Remember, Ramen lol ><.

"No."

"Well, there are about 5 places of spitup and it looks like noodles are in one of them."

"What are you talking about?" He asks, kind of amused.

"Well, if they're not noodles...omigosh, maybe they're worms."

And he heads back home from the office and giving me a call where I'm taking my first bite of Lean yumminess. He asks if there's any way I can get the rest of the day off and proceeds to explain what's going on with my puppy. (FYI I refer to any small dog as a puppy, just doesn't feel right calling them a dog. Such an ugly word for my cute pup.)

I get the clear, head out and I'm worried as all get out. I end up getting there before the beau and I talk to my roomie for a bit. Come to find out she didn't actually see TJ make any of the messes but assumed it was her considering her past. It couldn't possibly be her two kittens. Anything that happens in the house has to be because of TJ. Although we know better.

The beau ran into one of the kittens the other day heaving (and I caught him once again this morning). So there's a good chance they all are infected, especially sharing the same water bowl.

TJ's just as bouncy and loving as ever and for that I'm grateful. We got her an appointment with a vet for today and am bringing in stool samples from her and the kittens for them to check on. It's gonna cost a fortune, I just know it. She needs her shots too. >< but I want my puppy to be well if she truly is sick.

I'm off today and I'm mere minutes away from bringing her to the vet. I'm so nervous.

Wish TJ and I luck.

Clearing the Airwaves

2007-07-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

I do want to apologize for the night before...I was a little dramatical (I swear it takes a LOT for me to get that way). But everything I said still stands today, just maybe with not as much emphasis as last night.

I do have to say that maybe letting out all that built up angst was a good thing. To my surprise this morning, Russ got out of bed early...got dressed...and went to work...even in his pre-operation condition. He managed to have a heart to heart with his boss, and it was an eye-opener for himself. He finally vocalized that he was probably taking advantage of his current state. And that he needs to continue to come to work now not only for his own mental state, money, etc...but for me too.

So maybe putting this energy into the air helped...but I'm gonna give this to him in any case...because at the end of the day (well start actually) HE did it.

The glow to his eye has returned, his dimples have returned. He's tired, but he's really glad he went in and optimistic. Kind of a rebirth of sorts. Maybe...if it lasts (but I'll remain optimistic as usual).

Maybe there is some hope...?

Btw His boss did have a check ready for him but was holding it. He was wanting the beau to come to him, not just pick up during the weekend and make a quick escape. Very shrewd, but I'm thankful for that. VERY thankful. Because with this check and his return to work, it means none of the financial hell we were planning on. *crossing fingers*

Russ also made progress in getting his surgery scheduled. Talked to folks to get his authorization faxed to his main surgery doctor for the okay. So just waiting on the reply and then a clear date.

SYTYCD Thusday- A Little Late

2007-07-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

I would've posted this a lot earlier but when it came time to put up my favorite dance of the week I noticed that for some reason Explorer wasn't loading the YouTube page at all. It would keep trying and come up dry.

I figured it was an error on their end and kept trying every day since with the same results. I'd also noticed that anyone posting a Youtube video didn't show up on my screen as well and kept looking for comments about videos not working, but got no such luck.

Finally today I figured something was wrong on my end. I decided to try it on the main computer in the bedroom (my comp is a small little setup here in the living room, not a whole lot of space on it) and could pull up YouTube fine. But when I tried to access blogger, the login screen kept reloading and reloading and reloading. I thought, "Well, crap." I trade one site for the other. The security on the main comp is so high for some reason it wasn't letting me load Blogger and the beau wasn't going to change that (even if he wasn't sure what it was McAfee that was causing it). But I did come across something that gave me a bit more information.

An info page on why I may not be able to load YouTube (i'm not exactly sure how I came across it) saying something about resetting your cache, or cookies or something... or you could download Firefox.

I've heard from tons of different sources that Firefox is a much better browser and so instead of trying to sort through all this Microsoft stuff, I get back on my comp and install Firefox.

Surprisingly, I could pull up the site and I found out the issue. A week ago, I convinced the beau to install a second hardrive into my comp and during the whole process he tried to defragment my main drive. Well, it's a relatively small one and XP pretty much takes up the whole space (and you need x amount of space available to defragment any given drive) and he was deleting things, and in the process he deleted FlashPlayer...and that was why I couldn't see YouTube.

So long story short, I got Flash back, am using Firefox and here's my favorite dance from last weeks episode of "So You Think You Can Dance"

Neil and Sara (newly partnered) performing a Disco routine to the song "Knock on Wood". It was an instant hit with me just for the song. The movie "54" with Ryan Phillipe and Mike Myers made that song a favorite of mine. So here it is:

Just as an added bonus since I have my Youtube capabilities back here's another favorite dance of mine from weeks prior. Once again, Neil and his former partner Lauren performing a Wade Robson Jazz Routine. Fricken awesome.

Stability is All I Ask

2007-07-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

Well, if all the obstacles I was facing wasn't enough already. Another big monkey-wrench has been thrown into the gears.

I've let you all know about my beau's lack of responsibility and urgency considering finishing the prequisites so that he can have his back surgery. it's been well over 3months and he really is nowhere closer to it being done than before.

He felt comfortable doing that because despite him not being at work, he was still drawing a paycheck due to vacation and sick time. He made the trip to get his check and the time I've been warning him about for the last month has come. He doesn't have a paycheck.

We've had discussion upon discussion about this in the last month. I just knew that it wasn't going to last and that he needs to get on the ball to get things done so that we can live our life and keep his job security.

So with no paycheck for him, that cuts about 65% of our income and puts us in the poorhouse. I do get paid this week but it's not enough to cover us. He says it is, but I'm the bookkeeper and I know how he consumes, not to mention the bills we have.

What's worse is that he doesn't see this as an obstacle, he's just going to turn in the two cars and cancel the boat slip, and blah blah. But knowing him he's just going to sit on the couch and do nothing about his situation, just like he has been this past 3 months.

He hasn't even apologized to me considering this is my life too and how I saw this coming and tried to prevent this by attempting to push him to get his stuff done and over with. Not a word.

If he was doing all he could to get things done and this happened in the meantime, I would see this situation in a totally different light. But it didn't, he's where he is right now because that's where he wants to be. At home, watching porn and John Wayne and doing absolutely nothing.

We're eating Ramen until my payday and all he can think about is he doesn't have any cigarettes. His answer to this obstacle is to get rid of HIS things (the cars and boat deal are his things, not mine so not that big of a hit for me) instead of realizing the obvious choice of getting his butt in gear and changing his situation. I even tried steering him toward that conclusion like I have again and again and it was taken lightly...just a "yeah."

I really am over it now. I even started to dabble around looking for possible roommate situations for myself. I just can't do this anymore.

My love for the man is gone now. All that is left is a shell of the man I loved and once considered my personal hero. A no-nonsense go-getter who loved me is no longer.

And don't get me wrong, if you're a new reader this isn't all about the money. Really it's a small thing, we were always scraping by to begin with...but we were making it and we were happy.

It's just that my cares, wants, needs are no longer being filled. He's made it very obvious the kind of life he's wanting to proceed with and I need stability. Both relationship-wise and financially.

At one time there was both. Then the relationship became rocky, we were still alright financially and working on the former. Now both is gone, and he doesn't seem to care.

I've got some thinking to do, and I need to make sure where my priorities lie. Whether I want to keep trying to salvage this or if it's truly all downhill from here.

Bringing out my Inner Geekness..

2007-07-28T13:39:00.000-05:00

After not touching my television in a few days, I turned it on and found that I had set my Tivo to record "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" and had quite a mini-marathon of episodes. I'd totally forgotten about the SciFi channel show and wasn't sure how well I'd enjoy it.

So I watched about 5 episodes of the first season marathon and I have to say as I watched them through to the finish it rekindled my love for the comics I grew up on. I can't ever say I lost my love for them it's just that whenever I started seeing the beau and then living together as a couple...financially sacrifices had to be made, and the local trip to comic shop was one of those things that ended up on the chopping block (yes, I was still reading and enjoying well into my 20s). Ironically, the gym membership was another thing but it finally made it's way back into my life.

In my first About Me post I made mention of a number of boxes being stored in my closet containing my entire collection of comics. For years upon years I eagerly read and collected my favorite comics. With Marvel being my favorite publisher, it lead me to the grand world of the Xmen, Xfactor, Xforce, Excalibur, Generation X (can you see a trend here?) and many others.

Like my list above shows I was instantly drawn into the Xmen series and it's many off-shoots. Hardcore comic fans really consider the X-series as the Stephen King of comics...wildly popular but really not the best of literature compared to what else is out there. (Disclaimer -- Stating other's views, not mine -- check the now reading in the right column ^^) But the series felt RIGHT to me. The characters, their struggles, their uniqueness, the teamwork and the animosity they faced as a race in themselves. I fell in love with them and gorged myself on all I could find.

Of course I had my favorite characters: Jubilee, Meltdown, Storm, Gambit, Rogue, Mystique, Cannonball. My not so favorite was particularly just Wolverine. But despite all that I had a love for the whole entourage of characters and how they interacted and lived with each other in the face of trials by their fellow man and their fellow mutants.

There have been many gay folk out there who have cited the Xmen comics as a place of security growing up gay. Reading the comics and not seeing just a band of folks with supernatural powers fighting crime, but a group of outcasts being forced into obscurity because of who they are and how they were born. Very much like the lives we live on a daily basis. Do we divulge who we really are in the face of strangers, or hide our true selves?

I remember in my early twenties being a part of a number of mailing lists putting together narrative xmen stories via emails. Taking control of a character (or in case of events -- multiple characters) and putting a story together from that characters view, interacting with other members out there for progression in the story lines. Kinda like an email RPG. That was really fun when I had the time. Wouldn't mind doing it now...may have to do some searching, but I'm very rusty. :P

During that time I also created a mutant character of my own. His name was Drift. He could control the gravity around him to his will. Making himself or other things float at will, or increasing gravity to apply pressure or even crush things. I loved that character. He had quite an evolution and really I lost him when I got into a relationship.

Many days I would envision myself as one of them. With what kind of superpower would I have been blessed? What super-secret persona would I exhibit? Would, I be out and proud about it, or be all hush-hush?

Invisibility would be an awesome power. Invisible woman anyone? Anytime I think about that I think of the lyrics from the Clay Aiken song "Invisible."

If I were invisible,
I could just watch you in your room.

Paraphrasing of course, but who wouldn't love that power? Of course it would be kinda stalkerish and lacks tact, but the power of indulgence would be too great for me.

In all cases though, I've realized how much I miss my favorite characters. The comic industry has had a difficult time in these past years because of video games and internet playing a major role in youth's lives. It makes me sad I abandoned my favorite characters and even in this last move haven't set a spot for pulling my comics out into view so that I may browse them. They've been part of my growing up and my life now.

Just remember, if you love comics. Whether you're a Spiderman, Superman, Spawn fan...whatever. Support your comic companies and buy their products. The comic shop and comics are becoming a rare find in everyday life. I know many stores who don't carry them anymore. Keep the written and drawn bliss alive.

A Clear Winner

2007-07-25T17:49:00.000-05:00

Today was the big day. I eagerly woke up at 8am to get ready for my scheduled tours of both beauty schools. First showering, and then trying hard to find something to wear that I felt was comfortable but respectable enough. I satisfied myself with a black pair of slacks and a black polo. I looked nice I have to say.

First stop was RAC at 10:30am. I entered and let the front desk know I was there. The lady at front desk said that she thought the appointment was for 11 but I have the post-it (still attached to the pamphlet btw) saying 10:30...but she said she'd let the coordinator lady (not the president but like the vice) know I was here...filling in a form while I was there.

She comes out and brings me back to her office and she proceeds to tell me more about the school while finally giving me an envelope of materials about the school. She was very upfront about alot of things. What I gathered is they get a lot of immature students and like to concentrate and structure around those who really want to apply themselves.

The Positives:

1. The staff seem really friendly and tight-knit. I was introduced to every staff member and was always greeted with smiles and salutations.
2. Classes are usually small and so there's more attention paid to each student.
3. Exceptional students get a graduated reduction in their tuition.

The Minuses:

1. I wasn't impressed by the facilities at all. Everything was bland and very minimal. It seemed just enough to get things done. Charging roughly $500 more than TSB I expected alot more out of the school. Maybe I expect more out of a tuition-run establishment. It felt like the building they were using was unfinished, no paint, out-of-date sinks...heck, the massage room shared the same small room as the water heater which was trying to hide behind a changing screen.
2. The success score sheet in the folder didn't impress me either. 55 students last year and 20 dropped out, leaving 35. 34 graduated with 33 reportedly working in salons at the moment.
3. She admitted that the open salon for the advanced students is really slow. Slow equals lack of experience for me and that bothers me. Only so much I can get out of a mannikin head.

Overall: Great on personality and comradity, low on what seems to be facilities and execution. This is only coming from observation though and I could be off one hundred percent.

Next stop was TSB at 2:30pm. I've been hanging out at my local Barnes and Noble's for the time being and head out an hour pre-engagement. It's located on western off of I275 and I am rarely ever down that way.

I found it alot easier than I thought I would and checked in about a half hour early. From the outside it looked very much like RAC in that it seemed very warehouse-like, but located in a strip-mall type location. As I'm walking up I see the windows emblazoned with extravagantly fashioned hair shots, I open the door and see a whole different world than what I saw at RAC.

The waiting area looked like a waiting area. The open-salon area looked like a salon and was booming with customers (and advanced students I might add). I met with the president and he showed me around the school. A very drastic change from RAC. The premises were lovely, equipment was nice and very modern/up-to-date, various rooms geared to the level of student.

Positives:
1. The school premises itself were awesome. Equipment was up to date and very modern and salon-like. The shampoo area itself consisted of two rows of five free-standing sinks (to freely move around the client) with convenient spray hoses. The practice room (that's what I'm calling it, I forget the term he used, it's for practicing areas of the craft you're weak in) has built-in fixtures to the tables that allow you to lift and maneuver your mannikin's head in various directions to aid in the cut and style. It far outmatched RAC.
2. The salon area for the advanced students was very busy and he admitted that there is a consistent clientele.
3. There are a total of 3 large tack boards in the school with at least 30 listings apiece containing schools who are wanting TSB students upon graduation. A very good prospect if I must say so myself.
4. The final exam for the school itself requires a higher grade than that of the state board certification (which if you can pass it, you have a VERY good chance at passing the certification).

Negatives:
1. It seemed alot stiffer here. So I can imagine that there may be a bit of animosity or detachment in the school. Professionalism tends to take personalization away, but I hope this isn't the case. Hopefully personalities won't be clashing (although, I rarely ever clash with anyone).
2. He gave the bad news that since I'm single, have no kids and make more than 10k a year that I will probably not qualify for a pell grant. He said if I was a single mother with two kids that I could get all the money I needed, but being the responsible "single" (i still giggle at that considering I am partnered) adult doing the right thing I probably won't get a break.

And thus he provided me with some loan options which are based on credit. Considering my credit is in the crapper because of stupid decisions I made early on there's no way I'll get it without a co-signer. Since payment became an issue the experience quickly stopped there and I kinda got ushered out. But the thing is I'm looking to be trained by the best...and so...

The winner is...

TSB. Now that I have a finish line I need to figure out how I'm going to get there. That will be the hard part. I'm still gonna try for a Pell and see where it goes from there. If that doesn't work, maybe try for a student loan from my credit union.

If all else fails, I may use my car as collateral for a loan of some sort. But I really don't want to do that.

If worse comes to worse I'll just save what I can and try again in a couple of years. I've waited this long, but history has proven five years with the beau hasn't merited alot of money being saved. So I hate to think about that outcome.

I'm gonna try my hardest to make it work, but things look rough. My heart and ambition are so much there.

TSB or RAC?

2007-07-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

I don't think that I mentioned this earlier in any of my posts, but on Wednesday I have tours and consolations set up with the two biggest cosmetology schools in the city: The Tennessee School of Beauty and Reuben Allen College (founded by Ross the Boss).

I have to say early on I have a preference for the TSB and here's why.

When I became certain this was a path I wanted to follow I went online looking for information regarding the schools, costs, etc and I sent out for information on both.

The next few days I decided to try stopping by RAC (it's literally a 5 minute drive from my work place) and see if I could go ahead and pick up some information. I walk in and go to the counter which I assume is where the walk-ins usually come in and ask about information about the school. The secretary gives a call to the back room and the president comes to greet me. Her name is Le and she seems rather ordinary for a beauty school owner (or probably in this case, just manager). She talks to me briefly about my aspirations, past work experience (which is none), sets up an appointment and then hands me a pamphlet of information. Yes, a pamphlet. Basically a page worth of "table of contents" worth of information. I was kind of disappointed, I expected more. It felt like a high school cosmetology class. Anyways I set up an appointment to look over the place on Wednesday at 10:30am, and we'll see how it goes.

No real emotion or feeling came to me. I'm a very emotional, empathetic person. My beau has said this about me just confirming slightly that I can feel the aura of a certain place and know whether I'll be comfortable or not. And so far this place doesn't seem to be a fit.

Anyways, I left RAC slightly disappointed.

After I got home, I pulled up to the mailbox and found a large envelope from the TSB addressed to me in my box. When I got inside, I opened it to find a large folder containing all kinds of information about the school. From the course load and how the full semesters play out according to what is being learned, to the differentiation in the morning class load to the night class load, and also applying the fact that those without experience are full greeted and taken in. Lots of information on financial aid, the school's goals and it's history. Just a ton of information which overshadowed what i got at RAC.

I called that day to set up an appointment for a tour like at RAC, and got sent to the president's office (who sets up the appointments) and got a voicemail indicating he was on another call at the moment.

During the pause (this is during a day off on a weekday *gasp*) and I finally manage to convince the beau to give a call to the insurance company to add my new car. It only took me dialing the number, getting him past the automation and handing him the phone to do it though *sigh*...but I'm insured now, Yay!

During this time the pres calls back and of course Russ is on the phone so he leaves a message stating that fact "he was sorry to miss me and hopes to hear from me soon."

The prez leaves the office at about 4:30ish and it was about that time, but I decided to call and leave a message anyway. I didn't get him but I left a message saying that I was sorry I missed his call but would call back tomorrow.

Here's what really impressed me.

Even though I said that I was gonna be calling to set up things the next day, I still got a call from him (the prez) at noonish the next day to set things up. It may be business but it at least makes me feel like they're serious about the business and the students the take in.

At my lunch break I hear his voicemail and give him a call back. I end up setting a tour time of 2:30 on Wednesday and finishing the call with a real good feeling that this is the school I need to work with.

My plan right now is to tour the RAC school that morning but not commit to any paperwork or financial aid paperwork until after my meeting with the TSB school later that day.

I'm super excited for Wednesday. I really am certain that this is something that I want to do and make a career out of. I'm confident in my ability to make it work for me and whoever comes into my chair. With night-classes it'll take over a year to get my certification but it'll be well worth it. I don't mind how long it takes, just the quality.

I just hope the financial aid works out for me, pell grant please work for me! I just need something to cover the initial costs and I can cover the monthly payments. Night all, I'm a hopeful boy tonight *crossing fingers*

"You and Me"

2007-07-22T22:57:00.000-05:00

I just had to go ahead and post this video. I've fell in love with the song "You and Me" ever since seeing Danny and Anya from SYTYCD doing a Viennese Waltz. It was just beautiful. I remember hearing the song a ton of times beforehand but this is the first time the words really spoke to me. Bringing such a beautiful dance to the lyric just made it that much more important and meaningful.

The other night, my "closing" night from the last post, I heard the song as I was pulling into the parking lot, and I swear I just about cried.

So here it is. Hope it works for you as much as I. And I guess you could also call it a final fairwell to Anya who left this past week. *cry*

Me...Closing?

2007-07-22T00:22:00.000-05:00

Around this time I'd be putting together a post but oddly enough I had a closing shift tonight.

Everyone at work is so surprised when they hear I'm closing down the store with them. It's usually in a maniacal glee because I NEVER close and to see me sharing their same fate is rewarded. So I let them have their fun.

It is weird for me as well, considering my schedule usually runs Monday through Friday, 8-5pm. It's virtually ingrained in my mind what it is I do.

When I clocked in today I found myself greeting my General Manager with a, "Good Morning!" I don't think she caught it, but I caught myself.

I kept incredibly busy tonight. Our clearance event is ending tomorrow and so T and I got an early start on clearing the kids part of "main street" (the middle walkthrough area separating the main departments) -- I cleared and reset the boys department, and was very pleased with the end result

Then upon my GM's request I went to rebuild the men's khaki wall to our new fall specifications. Not to mention the air conditioning problems we've had over that shop. There's a huge conditioner box-thing (forgive my lack of technical terms) above our khaki wall, and is reknown for "dripping." Apparently, last night the dripping became more of a .... waterfall.

So half the backwall has been removed and the remains of the water collection effort was still in full view. Not only did I have to remove all that, but rebuild the wall to it's specs and then rearrange what was left of the merchandise for the wall to it's new home. I didn't even get to the items that were removed during the "waterfall."

Well, I like staying busy...so it was a good night.

The only particular part of the night I didn't enjoy was where I got to play "manager" for a couple of hours. I was heading up the recovery effort and addressing any concerns during the last closing hours. I have totally found out I can't deal with management. Traveling around, making sure people are doing what needs to be done, and in the process you spend more time checking up on people in menial tasks than getting larger more meaningful projects done.

So yeah, I've made my decision in that aspect. I'm hands-on, task-oriented, and managing others is not my deal.

Soooo tired so I'm calling it a night. Be good all.

LOL, I just noticed at the beginning of this I didn't expect it to be a big post...but oh well, guess what you got.

Indulgence Unfulfilled

2007-07-20T21:51:00.000-05:00

Yeah...doesn't that look appetizing.

Well, I thought it would be earlier in the day. I finished all my promotional stuff at work and then went to pick up a few groceries and made my way home. Tried calling the beau a couple of times but no answer, so I figure he's asleep or something. I get home and he's just about to get in the shower (mind you in his current pre-operation condition, so this is quite the task for him) and looks like hell.

He showers and appears to be a new person, exhausted but looking tons better. He then asks me to grab him a pack of cigs and something to eat. I'm not real hungry and so I let him suggest the place and at first he wants Subway. I'm not a big fan of Subway, I never seem to get a sub there that I can enjoy on a tastebud level. Quizno's is more my taste. So he then suggests Burger King.

Mind you for the past 3 weeks or more I've been eating relatively clean. The only fast food I've really had in this time has been two basic hard tacos from Taco Bell and two grilled snack wraps from McDonalds. I think to myself...

I've been awfully good these past few weeks, I deserve a bit of a treat.

So I grab his cigs and then head to the Burger King down the road.

I park and go in so that I can stare at the menu and make a decision for myself because I know it'll be hard.

So, I'm staring at the menu (and feeling guilty at the same time) and only seeing big red X's for myself all over the place.

I order Russ' food and then I go with my old standby. A whopper Jr. w/ cheese no onion. I'd always been partial to the King's burgers over other places, the rest I can do without.

Bring it home, and long story short. The food made me nauseous and the soda gave me a headache.

I now know exactly how my roommate Jen (who eats very clean and healthy all the time) feels after eating from fastfood. I used to wonder why she always ended up feeling icky and grumpy after a fast food binge.

It's taken me pretty much all night to rid myself of the headache but my stomach is feeling better now. It was good at the time, but it definitely makes me re-think eating fast food again. It just goes to show that your body is just as smart as the food you put into it. And mine definitely didn't want this mush.

Maybe Subway wasn't such a bad idea after all.

SYTYCD Thursday (the first?)

2007-07-19T21:53:00.000-05:00

I should've made this a weekly thing, and I may just revisit some of my favorite dances from previous weeks in later posts like Neil and Lauren's Jazz routine from last week, and Danny and Anya's smooth waltz. Hard night too, losing Anya AND Hok. I was totally hoping Anya wasn't going home.

So here's two of my favorite routines from this week.

First is a contemporary piece choreographed by Mia Michaels for Neil and Lauren. Such a wonderfully imaginative piece even if you had no idea what it was about.

Next is Pasha and Sara with another wonderfully imaginative jazz routine by Mandy Moore (not the pop singer :P ).

I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

A Little Bit About Me pt. 1

2007-07-18T21:06:00.000-05:00

Hey all! I've been meaning to post this for almost a month. I've been working on it off and on and then putting it back in the queue. I sorta popped into this blog at Blogger as if continuing on from my past ones and most of you all still don't know a whole lot about me versus what's happening to me. And what use is listening to me rant about my life if you don't have an idea of who I am.

So...here's part one of what may be an indefinite amount of tidbits.

(btw. Thanks goes to Rick at Bandit Talks for ispiration with many of the questions I could ask myself.)

1. What is your natural hair color? A light sandy brown, but I have a habit of changing my hair color a lot. For years, it was every shade of blonde but right now i've been keeping it in the dark brown to black spectrum. Once I grow my hair back out, it'll go back to black. My hair used to be a lot like Milo Ventimiglia's (from "Heroes") but I cut it cause the beau liked it short, and i've been kicking myself since.

2. Where was your profile picture taken? It was one of the shots taken for my portfolio in the short stint I did with Face Models. I was totally surprised they signed me considering I'm 5'3" and small, not your standard male model. After a few gigs of running stands at our local college football games convincing students to sign up for credit cards for free umbrellas, I slowly phased it out of my life. As my credit has been totally ruined because of me being taken into the world of credit before I was ready for it, I felt horrible doing the same to others for the sake of me pretending to be a model.

3. What's your middle name? Stephen actually. I was supposed to be a Junior but my mom hated my dad's middle name and thus fought for Stephen. I'm glad she did, not sure if i'd want to go through life with the name Caylor. Uggh. Definitely different though.

I also go by Ste most of the time now. I adopted it ages ago after years of watching "Beautiful Thing". I hate the nickname Steve just because I grew up in the era of "Family Matters" and Steve Urkel...yeah, bad memories there.

4. Your current relationship status? Partnered, but you all know how well it seems to be going lately.

5. What is one thing that makes you happy? I really enjoy eating out. It's the whole experience of getting out of the house, enjoying a great meal in a unique atmosphere (i use unique loosely). Whether it be at the mall's food atrium (boy-watching nonetheless) or at a nice restaurant taking in the best. Just something very refreshing and calming for me.

6. What’s the last thing you bought? Hmm... Cigs for the beau (he goes through like a pack a day) and made a run to the liquor store. Yeah, the answer to this question makes me look real good :P

7. If you could go back in time and change something what would it be? I definitely would've changed my experience in college. I was a great student during high school, went to a pre-college program acing most of the things there and then went straight into college. I soon moved out on my own and discovered the gay community and a life outside of school.

Long story short, I ended up sacrificing my college career living the social life I never had during high school. Some of that I blame on an overprotective mother, but mostly I blame it on myself. I made bad decisions. I know it's cliche, but kids stay in school! I wish I had.

8. Ever had a near death experience? In my early years of driving I had a number of automobile accidents and luckily I made it through all of them...roughly 4, with 2 of them being totalled. I was very lucky to make it out of all of them with nary an injury. Apparently I'm here for some purpose, just haven't found it yet.

9. Something you do a lot? I have a nervous habit, and if you're ever around me I'm either playing with my tongue ring, chewing gum, or talking with my hands OR all of the above.

10. What's the name of the song stuck in your head? I've had two constantly in my head lately. "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie, and "Shut Up and Drive" - Rihanna

11. If you could have one super power what would it be? I would love to have invisibility for myself. But, I was and still am a big comic book fan and years ago I used to be part of email groups putting together superhero/Xmen stories and making up characters as well as controlling established ones according to book standards. It was real fun, just don't have too much time to even consider it nowadays. I remember the one character I purely created named Drift. He had the ability to control the gravity around him and other things. Yeah, I'm a dork. lol

12. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? The more I see the opposite sex, it just makes me that much more happy to be gay. LOL

13. What do you usually order from Starbucks? The only thing I've ever ordered from Starbucks has been a caramel macchiato on a number of occasions. I haven't really delved into the menu yet. >>

14. What's your favorite color? Blue definitely but it differs according to categories lol. I like silver for automobiles and my clothing revolves around neutral colors.

15. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Kiddy movies? They're animated feature films thank you. But yep I sure do. I don't watch as many cartoons as I usually did (used to love watching Pepper Ann on Toon Disney for the longest time), but I still catch films. Shrek the Third being the most recent. I'm still not sure about Ratatouille though, even after all the positive blogs about it. I still haven't seen anything in previews that makes me think I'd enjoy it. *cry*

16. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Snacking on sunflower seeds and a vodka and diet pepsi mixer. >>

17. Do you speak any other language? I can speak some spanish. Used to be a spanish major at one time in college and got really good at one point, very rusty now. Also communicate real well in Sign language. Had a longer stint in college working toward being an interpreter. I enjoy sign very much, comes very naturally to me.

18. What's your favorite smell? As discussed in another blog recently in About a Boy and His Briefs. The sweaty smell of hot male testosterone is the best smell! I even admitted that whenever I get near a guy I think is too hot, I take a deep breath just in hopes of catching a whiff of their "scent". Biggest turn on ever!

19. What are you thinking about right now? How I'm going to afford cosmetology school. Doing some research today and talking to the two large schools here in the city, I'm going to at least drop 3k up front for either. I've got appointments for tours next wednesday so hopefully I can explore pell grants, financial aid or something. The overall cost didn't surprise me, just the up-front cost. ><

20. What should you be doing? Probably trying to find a way to mow the lawn. With the beau out of commission and no way for him to get the mower he borrows, we have a pretty grown-up lawn at the moment. It's kinda sad and embarrassing.

21. Name 5 things in your closet: Hmmm, we're still kinda unpacked from our move, soo...
1. 3 boxes full of my comic collection
2. a box full of our porn tape collection
3. the fact that 3/4s of the clothes in the closet are mine, yeah i like my clothes.
4. On my closet door is a poster of Hal Sparks from Queer As Folk, from the episode where they were setting him up with an internet dating ad photo. The beau and I took a trip to Atlanta and we visited this adult/gay novelty shop and it was there. YUM.
5. I have 5 shirts I got from various Backstreet Boy concerts I attended. ^^ I still will go see the boys if it's within my power. I liked the boy band era...fun dance music.

22. What one thing do you desire most? Financial stability and comfort. I don't long to be rich, just comfortable. Able to pay my bills, have casual spending, and save some money in the process.

23. Can't Live Without...? Deodorant. I hate that feeling when you've forgotten your deodorant on a trip or something and you can't apply it. It's like all this added friction starts happening in your armpit. Gosh I hate that feeling. I'm surprised that I answered the question this way...but go figure.

24. Least Favorite Subject in School? It's a toss up between math and science, but I'm going to have to go with science. I've just never been able to attach myself to any of the subjects.

25. Secret Ambition? I would love to be a bartender at a gay club. I know it's probably not all it's cracked up to be, but it's a secret ambition of mine. There just seems to be a level of prestige I would enjoy. The only reason I never pursued it...the hours. Nope, couldn't deal with late nights, every night.

And there's part one of me. Hope you learned a bit about me, and if not...give me your own questions or requests. *HUGS*

Lucky #5

2007-07-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

So...I've been thinking off and on lately about going to cosmetology school and becoming a stylist. And last night, I began really looking for information in the area on how I get this done. Looking at local cosmetology schools, sending for brochures, and most importantly...checking out on whether I can even afford to do it.

I've been interested in the field for quite a while and it will give me a chance to take a trade and grow with it. That's something I've been wanting for a long time. Taking something I love, move forward with it and grow both as a professional and financially.

My current job, although I love what I'm doing, has placed a paycap on my position and thus I have no more growth in what I'm doing financially. The only way I can get past the cap is to go into supervision or management positions and I am dead certain that I don't want management. I'm task-oriented. I want to get out there and do it, control my tasks, and not have to delegate menial tasks to folks who could care less.

I've had other aspirations before this. Sign language interpreting, computer tech, commercial art...but I've had considerable doubts concerning whether I'll actually ENJOY it, be fully capable or my out and (hate to say it) obvious gayness impeding my client availability. But this prospect seems fully open to me and I'm really excited about putting this together for myself. I'm very confident in my abilities and am optimistic about enjoying it.

When bringing it up to the beau yesterday (he's mentioned in the past that he thought that I would do well at it), he brought up a point that I have noticed about myself that I was unaware he realized about me...and it made it that much more real for me.

I tend to have a bad relationship with the number 5.

I've only had 3 prime jobs my whole career. I tend to stay in one place for a while (I love consistancy). But the tying factor for my first two jobs is that I left them both in my fifth year of service, am currently in my fifth year at my retail job and he even pointed out that this is still our fifth official year together as a couple and we've had hardships where the prospect of parting ways was given (and in some ways still possible).

Seeing it now makes it much more real and makes me worry if I'm just looking for the right things for my life and that's the magic number saying if it's not right by this time I need to move on....or am I just flakey.

This prospect is gonna require an investment on our part and I want to be sure that I want to do this. I truly believe I want to do this, but part of me nags that I'll be done with this after 5 years and then what...

My friend says that 5 years is the average timeframe folks stay at any particular job/environment/etc before looking for a change. So at least I'm not the only one experiencing this...at least I hope.

I still plan on looking into this...my friend also knows a gay couple who own their own salon, makes a great living, and she's willing to set me up talking to them about it.

I'm a little apprehensive though, just because I still know very little but my own gut feelings. I've never cut hair before but I have worked with color a number of times. Just in that experience I know I can do pretty well.

I really am searching for stability in a trade I enjoy. The potential to grow and achieve by skilling myself in what I enjoy. I don't want to delegate, I want to do. And this could be my opportunity to express myself, put myself into a field where I can develop my own merits, reputation and rely on my own talents (or lack thereof, we shall see if I get to schooling).

Anyone have any insight on this career choice? Pros/cons? Any imformation will be most helpful.

Progress

2007-07-13T20:31:00.000-05:00

I'm so proud of my beau today. If you remember my long rant post here, my beau had put himself into a kind of self-destructing mindset. After weeks of trying to get him to get his bloodwork done so that he's able to set his surgery date, he got up the courage and determination I remember him so much for, and got it done.

When I called on my way home from work and he told me that he was on his way to the doctor's office, my face lit up. I'm sure he felt the happiness in my voice.

I almost couldn't believe it, he's told me half-truths before (like he made the phone call and would hopefully be going the next day when he actually just got voicemail and was "waiting" for a return call past 5pm), but this instilled in me that I may indeed still retain my hope.

Now, if we can just retain the same winning determination to get his surgery scheduled... we can finally put this behind us and he can go back to live his life...our life.

Granted, he'll have to watch what he does in the future as not to aggravate his back. This third back surgery will be simple but in the words of his doctor... "you could probably sneeze funny and throw your back out again...you've just got a bad back."

Yeah, that's positive reinforcement for the surgery and hence why I feel he's been in this emotional rut he's been in for the last two months. Especially considering his job (the job he loves and has worked 13 long years perfecting) takes physical labor and double the fact that he's a do-er not a delagator. It'll definitely be a change he won't welcome.

But better than the persistant horrible pain, forcibly having to move his right leg, and having to rely on his crutch to get him around easier. Should I even re-mention the emotional reasons...

I am a very happy camper today.

-------

In other news...

A few months ago I posted about my crush at work and how we seemed to click every once in a while. Even if he was straight, he brightened my day on the odd occurence I did get to work with him. Very bright young man.

Unfortunately that time has come to an end and I can't say that I didn't expect it. He came to work with us through his sister Sam, you may remember from my tubing trip. Well, a little over a month or so ago she got a new job and went down to one day a week. She made her first day after that change, the following week she didn't show up and noone... not even her closest friends at the store could get in contact with her. She'd basically quit and disconnected from all of us who we once considered her friends. I've seen this all too many times and it's a sad thing.

After her departure, Greg still worked with us and that pleased me. He still had school and had to give up a few shifts because of it but he was still on the employee list and gave me the hope of seeing his tight little body working shipment.

Last week, he worked both shipment dates, and then this tuesday as well.

Wednesday was a regular shift for him, and my worst fear happened... he no-called / no-showed AND noone could get a hold of him.

Next day, shipment. Same deal. I've officially lost the only guy in the store I lusted over. *sigh* Heck, male employees are in short supply here as it is. I think there are only 6 of us now, including a new hire who isn't that bad to look at but not really my type. He'll have to do for now though. ><

------

To finish up, I can finally say to myself that I like sushi.

I've had california rolls before but everyone tells me that they're like the beginner sushi and so I'd never been able to attach the label to myself. I decided I was gonna try some other kinds today and there was a local sushi place next to my gym that I knew included sushi on their buffet during the weekends and figured it would suit my senses to give it a try that way with a flat price. Everything I tried, I enjoyed. Not only enjoyed, I found myself craving more. And thus, I can now list sushi as a favorite food choice.

Tired, but for GOOD reason!

2007-07-11T21:41:00.001-05:00

About time for an update I have to say. Forgive me, today I'm running off of about 3 and a half hours sleep right now because last night (or this morning) I caught a 12:30am showing of ...

"Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix" ^^

Nope, this isn't going to be an analysis of the movie or how well it actually translated to film. But I do have to say at the end of the day I really enjoyed it. There were a few areas where I was disappointed, but I had the same feelings when I first saw "The Goblet of Fire." It's now my favorite of the movies thus far.

What I also really loved was that the group of people that helped sell out the twelve 11:59pm - 1:30am shows were the kind of folks I want to go see movies with. Everyone was enthusiastic for the movie and it's pinnacle moments throughout. There was no screaming babies, cell phones ringing, idle or mocking chit-chat.

There were hundreds of excited people. Some who even dressed up in robes, scarves and sporting their own wands. I actually pulled out the "Support Cedric Diggory" Tee I got at Hot Topic last year and got the strength to actually wear it in public. I know, I'm a dork but hey at least I can wear it among peers... or at least I hope they're peers. >>

Another thing I noticed last night was that the hot gay bois came out in droves. The eye candy was never ending. Where do they hide? I never see them in broad daylight. It's like there's a secret storage pen nightclubs herd these boys into and set them free only when the last of the sun's rays disappear from view and the technobeats are pumping.

I'm so definitely gonna see it again before the next couple of weeks are out.

-----

In other news, my weight-training is going well and having Jay's Calendar to help keep me motivated is definitely helping. I can count two times within the last 6 days I wanted to cut short but I proceeded forward. I nearly didn't do my spin class last night but I got myself to the bike and although my legs are sore today, I'm proud of myself for getting it done. I've also been upping my protein and TRYING to watch my carbs. It's soooo hard though.

Work is kicking my butt. Huge markdowns again this week, not to mention the clearance event, and getting shipped HUGE amounts of fall merchandise already. I had to totally gut the boy's shop today and rebuild it, and I'm not even set for Friday's shipment yet. SIGH, wish me luck. I'm just happy i'm not passed out yet, but I'm sure i'll be out as soon as I hit the pillow. Night all.

I've got some Daniel Radcliffe talk show appearances to watch on Tivo too. Boy is getting finer by the day. *sigh*

Faulty Hope?

2007-07-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

note: long post, so bring a blanket and some bon-bons. Thanks in advance for listening to my ramblings. ^^

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If you have been keeping up with most of my posts, you'll know by the few posts dealing with my relationship that it seems to falling apart at a startling pace. If you haven't, you can catch up on a few of our latest issues by clicking on the "relationship" tag to the right.

I haven't really posted all that much about our failings because of it's inherit negativity at the moment. I don't want this blog just to represent that side of me or of being all doom and gloom. And don't get me wrong, when the relationship is good, it's real good. Although with the years the good has given way to just getting by. And the bad...has just gotten much worse.

We've been together for almost six years now and have been a couple for a little over five. That in itself is an accomplishment. We met through a mutual friend of ours at the very club I mentioned in an earlier post here and I was struck by his handsome features, strong personality and masculine bravado. He's 13 years my senior, but that didn't bother me because I've always found myself drawn more to older guys for maturity and stability.

Also notice that "drawn" doesn't necessarily mean that this attraction to older guys is my actual preference or a trait I necessarily look for when I'm dating or meeting people. If truth be told, the last 3 guys I've had relationships with weren't what I would consider my type and all were older than I.

Russ and I clicked in a big way and made our relationship permanent on Christmas day 2002. For four years our relationship was great and the best I'd ever been in. Our bond was strong but not jealous. We never had what I would consider an argument (we had heated discussions), but they never got personal or hurtful. We prided ourselves in the fact that we could avoid all the drama surrounding what seems to be 95% of the gay community and wore that badge proudly. I was extremely happy and in love.

But something happened in the fourth year that just made everything start to crumble and to be truthful I still haven't found an understanding as to why. His drinking started to become a problem, as did his temper and patience. He's always been a little high-strung when it came to his these traits but it always was toward other people and never directed toward me.

There started to be communication breakdowns where full-blown arguments would flare up over nothing. These happen frequently now and it saddens me. He's made me cry more times this past 6 months than in our entire relationship. Last night being a most prolific case, but I'll get to that soon. It's gotten to a point where I avoid getting into discussions with him for fear of an argument happening. That's just how frequent this has been happening...I've gained a fear of actually "talking" with him. I've communicated this to him a few times, but I don't think it's sunk in.

He used to be one of the most responsible people I knew, but in these last couple of years his sense of priority and responsibility has gone down the tube. Financial obligations he's been so good at keeping have fallen to the wayside impeding our ever so close but always so far goal of being able to save money for the future.

His word and promises have become so faulty that I can't rely on anything he says anymore. "I'll get so and so done..." means nothing to him anymore. He'll say it and become the king of procrastination. I've been trying for the past 4 months for him to put my car on our insurance and get the vehicles we're not using anymore removed. His name is the only one on the account so he's the only one who can change it. We're paying hard earned money on vehicles we're not using. He's been home for the past two months (ironically because he's failing to setup for the bloodwork to setup his back operation so he can stop hurting and return to work). He knows these things NEED to be done but fails to do them. And he used to not be like this.

We used to branch out and do things together as well, things we're both interested in or take part in things that make either of us happy on a regular basis. Now, it's just his way or the highway. He wants to do what he wants to do and if my suggestions don't fit his bill it's null and void. And then he's mad when I start to do my own things to help satisfy my needs emotionally and socially. And it's not that I'm not willing to do what he wants anymore, it's just that he watches and "does" (I use that verb loosely because there's very little he does anymore that doesn't involve the couch) almost the same exact thing everyday, very rarely straying from that path. He rarely opens his mind to new things, movies, opportunities either. The response, "I'm not in the mood" frequents all to often now and I'm faced with either dealing with his stubborness and give in, or do my own thing to keep my mind healthily interested and used...at least by exposing myself to new stimuli.

This is really the small list of big things wrong but it never used to be this way. Just in the last two years. We've had multiple discussions about this and our situation in general and he's always the first to admit his flaws and the validity of everything I've mentioned.

I also get responses that revolve around the following:
"you knew what you were getting into from the start"
"this is who I am"
"i'm sorry for everything, maybe you need to move on", etc.

I've heard renditions of this last one, allusions or plain out suggesting we'd be better off apart at least 4 times since we've moved to this new place. All with the disclaimer that he prefers that not to happen. The most recent being last night after he ambushed me with an argument out of nowhere last night.

Long story short the day and night was going really well. He'd drank a bit much while we were playing cards but his spirits were still high. Once we'd finished cards and our roommate went to bed, he started organizing the cards or whatever. I come over to try to help and his face and personality completely switched on me. I swear, it was a split-second change. He turned on me and went off on me about if i'm going to help him, help him right and this progressed into alot of non-sensical garble about me going to bed among other things. I won't describe the events because they are really unremarkable and stupid. I was extremely confused, angry, sad and disheartened. But it ended with Russ once again making a drunken "observation" at my disdain and impartialness (not wanting to provoke any further drama than already inflicted) that i'm finally "over it" and I "need to move on". I could only answer him by saying, "it's not over until you say it is."

Like I figured, he didn't remember much of it the next morning, thinking it was a dream. I related everything and he apologized ("for what it's worth" according to him). I also mentioned to him about his observation and my answer (also reminding him that this has been a recurring thing he's said to me in the past few months).

I've been constantly debating ending the relationship in the past few months. I'm tired of the arguments, and I'm frustrated with our living situation and emotional evironment we've put ourself into. I'm ready to move on because I'm really thinking that we are not meant to be with each other any more.

But here's the clincher and the main point of this whole ramble (I know, a long time coming). I've had many an opportunity to end the relationship by his own prompting and I keep telling myself the next time it happens I'll take the gamble because our situation is not improving.

But everytime I'm presented with the chance I always go back into consoling, comforting, and relying on hope; staying in the relationship, praying that this will be the time his actions take heart and he'll make progress toward being like we were. We were happy once, and can be again. But how long can I depend on hope? When is hope no longer justified... and improving your life, living situation and emotional state takes precedence over the faulty belief that things will return back to the way they were? I still love him, but I really feel it's in my best interest to move on. But my heart keeps telling me things will get better, I just have to wait it out and be as supportive as I can. Hope persists.

Happy 4th!

2007-07-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today was my day off and initially I wanted to get all my chores done (laundry basically), which I actually finished. I have a bad habit of forgetting about the laundry once it's in the dryer.

After getting my chores done I wanted to go out tonight, primarily to try out a new bar after my latest experience at my past favorite bar. I do a little searching for the club's site (the Rainbow Club West) and find out that there's no special 4th events and assume that it's regular Wednesday night "Country Night" (gag!) and so I decide not to go out.

Later on Russ decides to watch "1776" on TCM (I've watched this so many times as we own both the tape and DVD of the musical, VERY good if you like musicals), and it gets me into a more patriotic mood. Not to mention that the guy who plays the lead John Adams, is the same guy who did the voice of KITT in "Knight Rider" and the principal in "Boy Meets World".

I've seen this so many times but surprisingly it takes the holiday that supports the idea for me to really appreciate it. I suggest if you have access to watch it and you don't mind musicals to definitely watch this, it has some great songs and educational in the process, even if they took some artistic license.

While we're watching the show we notice that folks are lighting fireworks in the community and unlike the usual baby fireworks, some folks are lighting some that appear very like the ones pictured above. We ended up moving out onto the front porch and watching them. It was very nice, and I enjoyed them a whole lot more.

Before tonight I really never had an appreciation for fireworks. I had the thought that "once you've seen one, you've seen them all". Boomsday here in Knoxville didn't impress me, "Illumi-Nations" at Epcot Disney didn't impress me. But Sitting on our front porch with Russ and my puppy and watching these fireworks go off in celebration of our independence really made me think how lucky we are.

Especially the gay community, just look what's happening to the gay communities in the Islam areas. Even though we haven't won our full battles we still have come a long way. And we really should acknowledge that fact and celebrate it. This country, even if it has been a long battle has allowed us to attain what we have so far...and I'm proud and honored to be a part of this country and it's beliefs.

There are the stray things that just haven't worked out, (Bush?, etc?) but for the most part, we are very lucky. Enjoy our independence and freedoms. Don't take for granted what we have and what others have yet to experience. We have it good and we better not forget it.

*HUGS*

Fitness Goal Challenge

2007-07-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

You all know that I've been working out alot harder and more frequently lately and as of yet I really haven't set myself any goals other than to look better in my clothes and feel better about myself physically. Me being so small (5'3", 119.5lbs as of today), it's really hard to find clothes that fit me the way I want them too. I can never be an ambercrombie model, but by gosh I can strive to be a good miniature facsimile.

But thanks to Jay and his blog , I've finally laid into writing a goal for myself. I like goals, it gives me something to shoot for and I really don't know why I've never set myself one before...at least weight-wise. I guess just being around 110lbs for most of my life has made me skittish about making a goal of gaining weight. And truly the thought kinda scares me because I don't want to mess up what I consider a good metabolism (i know, extremist thinking and I know it's faulty...it's just what I think).

But I also know that for my height range my weight should be around 120-130ish I think, and that gives me a point to work towards. I've already gained 10ish lbs since I really started focusing on my workout this past December and it tickles me that I've been floating around the bottom end of my average (considering I've been underweight for most my life).

So anyways, here's my goal for September 30th. I have this mini-belly I've put on in the years I've been with Russ due to just inactivity. That's definitely my first thing to go. And I want to put on another 5-10lbs of muscle. There it is, in writing. ^^

I have a before picture from last month here.

Wish me luck!

Majority Does Not Rule

2007-06-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

The other night I went to my favorite club for the first time in probably 2 months or so and to tell you the truth, it was a big letdown for me. The main reason I went is so I could dance. I love to dance and since I'm adamant here lately about getting myself into regular cardio with the spin class and cycling after my workouts, I felt a need to get back out and start dancing again (the music and hot guys don't hurt either).

But boy was I wrong, just like the last time I went a few months ago, attendance was down to at least a quarter of what it used to be (very light crowds). The amateur show which was usually overflowing with interested young drag queens had been cancelled on both occasions and the regular cast performed on their own. Not that it's a bad thing, just shows that that the interest either isn't there anymore or they've moved on elsewhere. Not only that, but I was the only fricken person dancing on the floor until the hour before close. So depressing.

I also had an ethical dilemma going on...so here's the backstory in a nutshell:

-favorite club is the oldest in city and resides very close to the University.
-University builds new student apartments and parking garage basically on the club's backdoor. Ever since this happened I've been very uncomfortable walking to the club ...an awful short walk for any college brats with a thing against gay bois to prove whatever it is they wanna prove.
-There was an attempt by the university to buy the property but i think that fell through.
-Management tried to clean up it's ghetto-Babylonisque atmosphere (QAF reference) by posting rules governing clothing oneself and what you couldn't wear in the bar.
-Since then attendance has been down and the club has been hurting financially.

Besides all that, I've come to find the straight crowd kinda...taking over. Easily being the majority. The best of which were 4 straight valley girls taking up the dance floor and fraternizing with the local wildlife in that "petting zoo" fashion. I can just hear them the next day, "we got to dance with a gay guy last night, omg!!" Six of them, dancing in a circle and giggling at the surroundings.. "I can't believe we're here!".. that kinda thing. Bah, forgive my whining.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind the straight folk enjoying our place of entertainment, but when they're the majority...there's something wrong. I don't know, I may need to start frequenting another club but that's a hard decision for me. This bar has been there for me for as long as I've been out. I've had so many memories take place there. It has always felt safe and very much like I was in a family atmosphere. Safe is still there, but the atmosphere has changed for me. I feel like a minority again and I shouldn't have to accept feeling that way. Vouching for acceptance in a place where I've always had that is a step I won't want to take.

It may seem that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill or expounding on a couple of isolated instances but I rarely ever get the opportunity to go out much anymore and the nights I have gone out have been very similar to this instance. Either my timing is on par or this has been a consistent thing.

I think I'll take Russ' advice and try the Rainbow Club next. It's kinda homey in a small pub type atmosphere and is bound to have way more gay life than the Carousel has had as of late. Or maybe Kurt's, they have an awesome outside seating area and this is a good time of year to take advantage of that. In fact, I think I'll do that.

Distraction - My Favorite Word

2007-06-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

It's funny how things work at times. The last few days it's been kinda hard for me to put a post together and it's made me think of my past and present blogs, and what it was that helped me stay focused.

I remember when I was taking classes at UT Knoxville and there were those times when had 2-3 hours in between classes. You know those times when the only options you had were early classes and late classes because all the ones with decent hours got snatched up. Anyways, I hate driving in the first place, nonetheless make a 45minute drive 4 times a day...so I would kill time in one of the computer labs spread around the campus.

Posts seemed to flow so freely from that space. Maybe it was that kinda silence one can only achieve in a library/lab type atmosphere? The silently hum of the air conditioning, the tapping of nearby keyboards, the clacking of people refilling the copiers with paper and softly greeting each other. Was it the emanations of intelligent (or pseudo-intelligent for some) thought that seeped into me to help push me into my own.

The more I think about it, I believe it all comes down to distractions. The atmosphere of those computer labs and the serene way it allowed me to free my thoughts and competently write them was accomplished because I was able to free myself from distraction.

The humming, whispering, tapping and clacking were there the whole time, but they were just background noise. They lingered just close enough to remind me that I was still in the real world, but my mind was able to filter all this out and concentrate on putting down the words I wanted on the proverbial electronic paper.

Fast forward to right now. For the last 3 days I've had great ideas for blog entries. I'd sit down, start writing (making some decent progress in some) and then it would all go blank. Just like the floor was pulled out from under me. And this bothered me.

Where I currently type has way too many distractions. With the television and random conversation going between our roommate and the beau, it's usually too loud to filter and of it without losing my train of though.

I find myself wishing I had a laptop and could just wander out into the backyard, sit down underneath the tree there and type with the full knowledge it would flow easier that way. But that's not going to happen, so what else can I do to give myself that kind of environment.

What I've come up with seems to be working. I may not be able to filter the noise around me, but I can dampen it. My mind also seems to be less prone to distraction when I'm listening to music, particularly house/trance/etc. So while I'm typing I pop on the Itunes, and listen to music and i've effectively revisited the computer lab experience in a different but oddly similar way. Similar in the fact that it's allowing me the same focus. I'm very happy with this rationalization and "band-aid."

I know, I know. A post about posting, not too exciting but believe me I have like 3 unfinished posts to complete.

Bear with me, there's more to come! :D

Travis Wall

2007-06-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

I have to say that I really love YouTube. After finding those videos of Ricky, I decided to see what I could find on my favorite from last year, Travis Wall. He was so hot and talented. He's got a great future ahead of him. These vids help me to remember how much I loved him. :P

Saying Goodbye to Ricky pt2

2007-06-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

Saying Goodbye to Ricky

2007-06-14T21:13:00.001-05:00

No, no, no. Of course I go and have to curse my favorite in the competition by promoting him from the start.

My boy Ricky was chosen to leave the competition tonight...and I am sooo disappointed and sad. It surprised how they felt his routine fell short of that breaker latin boy who relied on his floor spinning to save him. I know personality is an assett (much like with Benji last year) but the technique and diversity of routine needs to be there.

Ah, just let me vent and it will pass. He was so fricken hot and talented. Anyone that has any screen caps of the boy please send them my way! His experience on the show was way too short. *cry* Please aid me in honoring the premature exit of Ricky.

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As for the update in my world. Russ' went to the doctor a few days ago to find out what's wrong with his back. He's had two back and one neck surgery in the past and after viewing his xray results, he's found that he has a bulging disc pinching a nerve directly above the two discs he had already had surgery on.

He needs to get a ton of bloodwork done before there's a date for the operation, but hopefully this will bring the old Russ back and the prospect he'll start watching himself. He's not a young man anymore and needs to take care of his body. He's strongwilled and pig-headed and asking for help is not always easy for him, but hopefully I'll be able to help him past this.

This workweek has been exhausting for me. Resetting a number of departments in the store and working a full shipment today has left me real tired. I haven't been to the gym this week but I'll definitely be there tomorrow. Since I stayed an hour and a half over yesterday that means that I'll get to go home earlier tomorrow. Heck yeah! I've missed the gym.

I've really began to feel good about myself and my body. My clothes are fitting me so much better and it's bringing me new confidence in myself.

So, needless to say, I'm dissapointed in myself for not going this week. But, by gosh, I've been so tired. Anyways, have a good night all.

If It Were My Choice...

2007-06-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, as any of my friends will know, I love "American Idol" but I rarely blog about it, but when it comes to "So You Think You Can Dance", I am just all about it.

These peops just amaze me everytime. I love to dance, but of course I will never be as good as these folk, but it is so very nice to watch. MTV envelops our minds to think that hip-hop and pop dance are the forms of acceptable social dance out there and this show helps to promote those other great forms of dance: i.e. latin, swing, jive, etc.

I also find it very nice that with these dances they're pushing versatility...and the most common-sensical thing to myself is that if you're wanting to make a living off of dance, being versed in many types would be the best way to keep yourself in work.

This is also coming from someone who has had one class in dance which really wasn't very explicit on a type...kinda modern, but like the Mia Michaels meets kindergarten type. And then a mix of gay club dance meets country-western techniques. I will admit going with my sister to a country/western bar for years and learning line dance really helped me to learn beat, precision and stylized moves. You'll be surprised how much it can help those unversed in dance feel better about themselves.

Anyways, nows my time to express my views for my favorites. I do have a couple of female favorites... Lauren and Sara being them, they are sweet...and Sara is just the bomb! But of course with this being a gay blog written by a gay man I'll have to focus on the hot bois I'm voting for. And believe me, I vote on talent or potential as well. Depending on what dance type they pick, the couple could be in or out of their element and we have to look at how they adapt versus those who were bred in that kind of dance environment.

Anyway, here's my top hotness factor picks.

Ricky has these great dark eyes and hair that just pull me in everytime I look at the boy. He's an awesome modern/contemporary type dance who was put into ballroom this time round, and I think the couple did well. His only issue is his girl partner is taller and stouter than he and it wasn't sure who was really leading during the whole bit. I think this boi can go a long way if the votes are there. He's my favorite, so give him the love!

OMG, Neil was adorable tonight doing the salsa, even if his posture was too high for the sensuality of the step it was still very much enjoyable. I love his look and his dance and he better not go soon.

Kameron is just fricken hot. He did a great contemporary/modern routine by Mia Michaels with Benji's sister and was awesome. So very very hot. I hope he goes very far. You know who he reminds me of, not sure if you all have seen "Bulletproof Monk", the guy that plays the British thug gang leader-guy...yeah, he reminds me of him, very hot and fuckable. *sigh*

Hok has been a favorite of mine since last year. When the pivotable moment came when he couldn't move on because of his work visa it made me sad. I'm so glad to see him come back and make it finally to the top 20. I have a thing for asian bois, but for an asian boi with a british accent....*swoon* I hope he goes far...very far.

I also have a soft spot for the ballroom dancer bois who appear on here. Last year it was so hot Stanislav, but hopefully Pasha won't meet the same early fate Stan did. He has an awesome body and gorgeous face and I wouldn't mind him holding me at any point an time during a waltz.

These are my fav bois, like 'em or lump 'em but VOTE for 'em to stay!!

Road Trip!

2007-06-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh, let me first tell you that I finally have Russ just one chapter away from finishing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix." It's been a long battle to get him ready before the movie hits theaters but we may actually get it done. I've been trying to finish the book with him for probably close to a year.

He surprised me today by taking us on a drive to pay on the boat slip and knowing the drive takes a bit I suggested bringing the book along just in case. Nine times out of ten, this scenario just ends with the book taking up space in the back seat.

This time, we were probably about 10 chapters away from finishing and he gives the go ahead. Russ loves (or used to love) to take long drives and roam around for the fun of it. I took advantage of this time and kept reading...and he just kept driving. We start at about 10:30am this morning and ended up getting back to the house just shy of 7:30pm. Time just flew.

I can remember being in Sevierville, Pigeon Forge, back Farragut...just anywhere and everywhere. But it's amazing how you can lose track even when you're not exceptionally busy.

Sad enough, we finished with one chapter left and I'll see how long that takes to finish. It was a simple but fun day.

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Other news...

I got "Transamerica" from Netflix the other day and thoroughly enjoyed it. I definitely understand why Felicity Huffman was nominated for those awards. She did an awesome job playing Bree and, I felt, was totally believable.

I learned some unknown things of the transgendered community (at least I think I did), and the whole subject matter was handled in a very respectful way.

Such an eye-opening path of discovery and it's on my must have list now.

Not only was it a great movie, but Kevin Zegers who plays Bree's son was a very nice sight to see. He did a great job with the role and I never lost sight of this boy whatever scene he was in. He demanded attention, at least for me. *Sigh* Beautiful hair, dimples, body, and those eyes. Keep an eye on this guy.

Here's a great site with tons of images of him! The Kevin Zegers Gallery

Also I thought I'd throw in a recent picture of me. Been meaning to do it for ages, at least for my purposes of documenting my growth as I work out. I've been training hard so hopefully it's paying off. ^^

Oh the Confusion...

2007-06-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've just walked into an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Something more happened in the house that I don't know and it's making me very apprehensive.

My day was going pretty well. Finished the men's department today except for a few visuals and then was invited to one of Karen's great get-togethers at her place. I was really excited about it and wanted to go, especially since I missed her last bash. At about an hour before I left the store it started to pour rain and I was thinking, there goes the party now but figured I still drop by just in case.

When I got off, I gave Russ a call (like usual) to let him know I was off and that I was going the gym and then be on my way home. He sounded obviously inebriated and definitely like something was on his mind. I know he was wanting to tell me something. We said our usual, but he added in "give me a call when you're on your way home," which was odd for him to say.

I was a bit awry but left it to the thought that he just wanted me to pick him up some dinner on the way home. I asked him and he declined, and once again said "just give me a call on your way home."

I knew now something was amiss and I told him that I didn't feel like driving in the rain more than I needed to and was on my way home. He said okay, but sounded like he was getting up and ready for something.

Soooo... fast forward to me getting home. I had worked up all the scenarios in my head as to what could have happened.

--He'd lost his job for missing so much work on the eve of him maybe having to go into surgery again.
--He was finally done with me and breaking up
--Anything else I could possibly imagine

But my biggest bet was on his job considering his only been to work like maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks...but lo and behold I come home and the doors are wide open and Russ isn't around. The house is dark and all the electronics are turned off. Jenny and the boys are nowhere to be seen and they should have been here at this time...they're always here at this time. I go out back and I see an obviously drunk Russ coming from the left side of the yard and sadly lets me know that TJ, my dog, is missing. She'd somehow gotten out of the backyard and run off.

My heart jumped and I tried to get out of him how it happened or what had happened. Considering she's a house dog and she only really gets out when we're out, I'm thinking how this could have happened.

I ask him about it and all he could say is "I don't know."

He didn't know how she got out, how long she had been out or anything.

I start trucking myself up and down the streets calling for her and find nothing and i'm very close to crying at this point.

I come back and Russ isn't outside anymore. He's gone into the bedroom and closed the door. I go in and he's curled under the covers. I informed him of my misfortunes and still a bit confused I say.

"I'm sorry, I'm not pressing this...but what happened again."

He then proceeds to yell at me that he took her out to pee and she disappeared and that I need to lay off.

"Wow, if that's how it is." was all I could muster.

I leave the room and start to head back outside to search for her some more and there she is soaken and sulking on the porch. I'm so happy she came back to us alright. I just pray she won't have puppies on the way. *crosses fingers*

I know Russ is hurting and he needs to get something done, but he also needs to take care of himself and I've tried and tried but he won't listen to me...I'm just over it.

Well, Jenny and the boys just arrived and they're alright and good, but Jen informs me that in his drunken stupor, he said around the kids that he wants to just "point a gun to his head to make the pain go away." Wow....this is just a bit much and I don't know how to deal with this. She wants me to take a pro-active stance but I have no idea what I can do for him that won't piss him off at me. I can't live like this. I wish I could just push rewind and start things all over, just to see if I could have ended up in a better place.

I know, not the answer that I SHOULD be coming up with, but this is all typical Russ this last year (and especially these last few months), and for all the effort I give...our relationship keeps deteriorating. I am just so overwhelmed right now with worry and thought...I just want it all to go away. Why can't he just let his ego go and get things done...it's crazy.

So yeah, not the best ending to my day. This could have been such a good day, but such is life.

Why I Love "The Biggest Loser"

2007-06-07T18:51:00.000-05:00

Here lately I've been watching a lot of the previous seasons of "The Biggest Loser" thanks to the .Style cable channel. I had watched the last two seasons and was happy to see some previous seasons.

The first and main reason I enjoy the show is because it just fills me with wonder and pride when people are doing things to better themselves for their health and their appearance. The hard work and effort the trainers put in as well as the will and determination all these folks do to lose the weight that is killing our society now.

It almost makes me cry each time they all go to the weigh in and lose the weight. Also seeing them come to the realizations that they do have control over their body and how they can lose weight...just taking those initial drastic steps to move forward is the hardest. I applaud this show because it really is an inspiration to the world of reality tv and many many americans out there who are overweight. You can improve yourself, just take the initiative! Our American society doesn't have to carry this overweight burden that we've come to adopt.

Believe me, I don't have anything against extra weight, just the notion that you're helpless against your weight (with the exception of those folks who are disabled or unable to take the proper physical route by certain medical needs).

The second reason I love "The Biggest Loser" is because of Bob Harper (the trainer for the Blue Team). Not only is he hot, but he is compassionate, empathetic and very much a source of inspiration for people who want to be fit. He may not be straight business like some trainers, but he deals with his people on an emotional and motivational level first and then deals in the physical realm. He is a physical and motivational inspiration to me and I adore him.

--------------

In other news today, it was Melissa's last day today and I'm so sad to see her go. She was one of a couple of folks I held to the same kind of intellectual level as myself. Kaitlin being the other and she left for grad school last week as well ><.

I spent all day today reworking the men's department and believe me, after the spin class and tubing yesterday if my leg's weren't sore, they sure are now. I was moving a ton of fixtures all day. It was very satisfying. There's nothing like feeling you put in a full day of work that makes a difference...or at least makes a standing impact. As I am typing this, my legs are soooooo sore. *crossing fingers* I can move tomorrow. Night all!

Five girls, a guy and Some Tubes

2007-06-06T19:29:00.000-05:00

Getting up never felt so good this morning. I was so ready to go out with the girls today to the tubing place!

Just a note, I have never tubed down a body of water in my life. I'm not a great swimmer and I can't tread water very well at all and so I've always avoided doing anything aquatic, especially if there's a hint that the water may get deep. But I wanted to do this and I wanted to push myself to get past my boundaries and fears. I let the girls know about my apprehension and Melissa and Megan admitted to being great swimmers and would help me out if needed... so fear be gone!

We met at work at about 9:15am, made a quick run for food, sunblock and mixer for the rum Andrea brought of course(yum!). After another brief stop to pick me up some water shoes after I realized everyone else had them and that it would probably be in my best interest to pick up a pair considering all I had were my slides...we were on our way.

Took us about an hour to get to the National Park area and find the place where we could rent our tubes. I'm so glad they had the tubes with the covered bottom...such a relief for me after I realized how low the water had gotten during this drought and all the rocks aching to get a shot at nailing my poor bum.

We made the trip up and down the river a total of three times and it was a blast. When we first got in, it was real slow going and we're sitting there thinking..."this is it?" We then get to the point where it sort of splits off and have to make a left into this little bit of rapids and this is where the fun started! Tracy was screaming her head off and holding onto Andrea like no tomorrow. Megan kept getting stuck on the rocks and I got slung around like a rag doll! lol Samantha and Melissa just blew threw like it was nothing everytime!

There was this little wading area just after the rapids where we collected ourselves and made our trek back up. During the last trip we just sat in our tubes and just talked about everything from politics to work gossip. It was funny earlier today Andrea had picked up a big mug called a "Bubba Jug" (don't ask me I had no clue they existed or went by that name lol) and she was chugging juice and rum. She was hilarious but also surprised me a few times with her political thoughts. I didnt know she had it in her.

Sadly though, there weren't any real cute guys out today. There was one guy who was built pretty but not my type. Great body though if you like them with a bit of meat on their bones. ^^

All in all it was a very fun day and better yet, I didn't die, drown or burn! Heck yeah!

All the sun is gonna make me freckle a bit though.

Fav quote of the day - (On Tracy's conversation dealing with her trying to get pregnant and it not happening)

"As long as you're getting it and he's not pulling out...you're good."

My first Spin

2007-06-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today started out to be a grand day. Work went effortless, finishing up the rest of the markdowns in the remaining five departments. Helped out Tyler a bit with his moves and then went to the gym. Had a great workout.

I had decided to combine my upper and lower body workouts into one day for the next couple of weeks. I'd also been wanting to get into a spin cycle class to get my aerobic exercise that i've sadly been missing. I saw a class going on but was apprehensive going in because I didn't want to get over my head. So instead of taking that plunge I went and asked a trainer about the classes and he found me a beginner class which ironically started right after the one currently going. So I ran and got something to eat and then eagerly joined the class.

I have to say this is most I've ever sweated, and I mean EVER. Just to show how much, I had a natural disposition that I just don't sweat all that much and I was pouring by the time class ended. I definitely got my ass kicked and I'm glad I did and I want to do it again next week. I felt very good about it and my body.

Here in a day or two I want to post a pic of myself to track my progress and to give me a ton more incentive to work harder on the body that I want. My upper body is coming together now, my lower body has always been there, now it's time to emphasize my midsection and aerobic exercise. I've got a mini-belly that I soooo want to get rid of. Mind you I'm 5'3" 120lbs (just on the bottom edge of what my average weight should be), so I'm underweight if anything...just 5 years of doing nothing with Russ has took it's toll. The one thing clubbing did for me was keep me dancing and my stomach flat and I lost that sitting at home.

The gym brings the same pleasure for me and I'm so glad at that.

I came home after all that and Jen let me know she had talked to some lady at her workplace about me and my signing (however rusty it may be right now) and that she'd like to talk to me about "business prospects". This is very exciting for me considering I'm very uncertain of whether I want to continue on in retail... especially now that the position I was gunning for has been canned.

I'm pretty intimidated because I am very rusty technically and receptively. But at the very least I hope to gain some insight on what I need to do to get myself out there and doing what it is I want to do...which is sign interpreting. I jusdt need to buckle down and study more but I will definitely give this lady a call. Hopefully things will work out for me.

*crosses fingers*

Now to the bad part of the night...Russ. His back is killing him, and of course he decides to drown himself in liquor. He seems to call it a painkiller even though he is still hurting, just a bit more numb to it. Sigh...I spent the whole night dodging and softening conversations, trying to keep myself from having to deal with a drunken argument. I told him when I first came in that he needed to hold off on the drink and he "cordially" declined. So I knew it was going to be a long night. I was embarrassed to let Jenny and the boys see him in this way. I know the boys really didn't make too much sense...but I knew Jenny knew and that saddens me.

The saddest part is I have no control over what he does. What Russ wants is what Russ gets and by gosh if you disagree, I've tried and it just leads to argument. I just let him fly nowadays. I'm making myself happy first.

But tomorrow is a Wednesday with the girls from work. Apparently we're going tubing so I'll see how that all goes. Should be fun and hopefully I'll see alot of hot guys!

Please...please let there be hot guys!

Hail the flip-flop!

2007-06-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

Boo my first closing shift in ages but it went pretty quickly. I kept busy all day working with alot of the merchandising specialist responsibilities now that Tyler has to deal with the supervisor side of his logistics promotion.

It seems that anyone with position seems to think the Visual Merchandising position is going to be disappearing since Tyler vacated it, and that's a sad thing. I really would have like taking that position and I would have fought for it like no other. When I talked to my GM about the whole ordeal she said that even if it technically is getting dismissed she's probably going to still fill that position even if it's not a true promotion with pay increase. Like a dope I told her I would take it if it meant I could be gearing for a supervisor/management position.

Truth is I'm not even sure I want to take a management position. I like to get things done but I like to be the one getting it done. I don't do so well at guiding others. I've got to be in the action getting my hands dirty to feel like I've gotten everything I want done. But it was nice to take a break from my promotions gig to do some of the merchandising gig today. It felt good, like when I used to be the Women's department lead years ago. Jess was talking like I'd be helping out with it alot more in the near future too as well as Andrea. So that's definitely a good thing to add under my belt. I'll definitely be a busy person and that's the way I should be. I just wish it would vanquish my pay cap and validate me a raise of some sort. That cap is so frustrating.

Now onto my flip-flops. Yes flip-flops! And I don't mean the nice ones that will last for years and years. I'm talking about the main ones we sell.

I know these little guys are cheap and come in so many different colors to match any kind of wardrobe, but it still boggles me that people wear and buy these things in bulk. When I spend money on shoes I like know that I can have them for years and that they're going to be comfortable. These things are like wearing pieces of cork strapped to your feet, or at least I would imagine them to be if I were to ever be brave/stupid enough to wear them.

They just get all groddy and nasty as they get wore and your foot/toe impressions dig into it with dirt highlights. The perfect way to impress the date is to slip out of your generic flip-flop to highlight the nastiness they incure in only a couple of weeks of wear. I mean I know they're cheap and versatile but by gosh it would seem comfort and style would mean something before getting these things. I rang out a few customers today and they were buying them in droves. Good for business and believe me I'm not complaining about that but omg it boggles me that they're so popular.

I tried out a pair once just to see what the big deal was. I bought a brown pair and proceeded to try to wear them around the house. It was like a thick piece of cardboard on my feet and the thong between my toes was killing me. I ended up tossing them. And so I guess I'll just never see the appeal of these things. I guess I'll stick to my slides and enjoy their comfort and versatility. All hail the flip-flop!

He does still like me! (maybe) :P

2007-04-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

It's tax-free weekend in Tennessee at the moment and for the past day or so it seemed like noone was phased or enthused about it. We planned scheduling around it so we had a great number of folks but we were almost dead yesterday. Today was a totally different story. We were slamming like nothing and hopefully we finally made our sales goal. Not that it's of any importance to my life considering I hate to live by the numbers. I just wanted a nice tie-in to what I really wanted to write about.

During all this deal I was helping get fitting room merchandise back presentable and returned to the sales floor and I got to work briefly with the oh-so-hot Greg. The one guy at work I would crumble for.

INTRODUCTION: Greg - Beautiful young man, probably 20ish... I haven't really asked his age yet but he's taking college classes. Shaggy black hair (with red patches, on purpose nonetheless), very well proportioned, probably around 5'6". Emo comes to mind when I think of his style...but he isn't as "extreme" as what we usually think as emo, but it gives you an indication of his look and feel.

Just a brief history. My fashion is still very similar to his although I used to have the haircut to match. I was growing it out very much like Milo Ventimiglia and was very close to matching it.

Greg and I got along well and talked rather frequently and I enjoyed being close to him.

Then a great mistake loomed over all. Russ silently wanted my hair back short and when I went in to get my sides and back cleaned up a bit I made a rash decision to cut it all off like Russ likes. Part of me wanted to see if it was the drastic change in hairstyle which may have contributed to the recent arguments and lack of "play time". It looked good but I didn't feel like ... me...like I went from me to someone without an identity.

Anyways, when I came to work after my haircut (and what felt like losing my identity) I sort of strayed from talking with Greg. All of a sudden I felt my connection to him was lost and I stupidly felt awkward around him. Like I was a different person than the one he knew. I knew it was unfounded and probably very wrong but my social anxiety kicked in. It made me think that Greg saw me as a different person now, not a person like him. And that ultimately he wouldn't talk with me. I regretted changing myself.

Then, today we were brought together to do some processing and we really began talking again...just like previous times. Granted, we always seem to talk about his academics...but he seems very comfortable talking with me about it. The look in his eyes feels like I'm the only one he really talks academics with... or so I'd like to think.

It was a good day. I learned that Greg would still talk to me and in an interested manner.

He is just too beautiful. Long hair i just want to latch onto...beautiful chest emphasized by form fitting shirts...hands tender, but very strong in their grasping...yum, so beautiful.

Granted right now I have a slight buzz (and forgive any misspellings, I'll reread soon and hopefully edit them all out) but talking with him really made my day again. Even though he is straight (at least in practice at the moment), it really made me enjoy this day so much more.

Thanks all for listening to my ramblings tonight. It's kinda random and not very well written. Most of my thoughts are based on emotion and random thoughts about the boy that drives me wild in my life outside of my relationship. Anyways, night all and here's hoping this makes sense ^^

Silently Forgiven but Not Forgotten

2007-04-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

Today was kinda alright. Work was very slow although we planned for it being extremely busy. Hopefully tomorrow will go by quicker. Nothing of note really happened tonight although Russ apologized profusely about what happened last night without any kind of leading. He sincerely thought he was too rash with me which i undoubtedly told him he was. I never said, "it's okay...or you're forgiven" because I'm not sure right now if I want to give that to him. THis really hurt me and I don't want those words to be a bandaid that's soon forgotten. If i'm gonna open myself up to him by gosh he needs to prove that to me. He did surprise me with his apologies, but I will definitely see where the future lies.

Tomorrow I will have a talk with him about his temperance again. He seems to have forgotten his personal commitments since moving in the new place, and also with pulling some extra hours. He's been blasted the last few nights and personally I'm embarrassed Jenny (our roommate with the two boys) has to see him in this way on a nightly basis. I won't express that last part to him, but I will see about getting him back on track with his liking of the drink.

Anyways, have a good night all and by gosh I hope Rosie moves on the greatness wherever she goes!

Jekyll or Hyde (forgive me if i'm mispelling)

2007-04-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Mmmm.. Popcorn.

Tis what I'm munching on as I consider how to type out the current book I have to write.

(edit...I wrote these lines above much earlier in the day when I was pondering how and what to write)..

A ton of life changes have came about and Russ keeps giving me more reasons to dislike him everyday. I am a very forgiving person...I am a very self-sacrificing person...I try my hardest to make this man happy but he always finds fault with something. I literally almost hate him at this point. I try so hard...and things just never seem to be enough. I always seem to be just short of what he's looking for and he's so particular about things that it just blows up in my face all the time. I'm ready to just curl up in a corner and say, "you just do everything because I screw things up."

We just got through with a move. We got a house together with a friend of ours and her two little boys and we had our cable service changed over. For the past 3+ years we recieved "extra" channels courtesy of the guys who hooked us up (gosh knows why). The guy who hooked us up here didn't give us the extra channels like the last two and Russ of course had a fit, even though the years before was really a courtesy we can't really argue with considering we were getting extra channels without paying. So we decide to get the extra channels back and get them hooked up. The guy comes today and hooks up a box and a new remote for the new channels (for the previous years it was just a switch flip it seemed, but this is the actual "business-type maneuver"), allowing for other services and a program guide which i thought was pretty nifty.

Russ comes home, finds out there's a new remote, and that...omigosh...the channels change a bit slower when flipping (even though there's a freaking guide to look through now). "It's not what [he] wants!" he keeps screaming. What the hell ever, what you wanted was the stations back and by hell we got them. How was i the hell to know that this wasn't going to fit into your world. That waiting a freaking quarter of a second later during a channel scan was going to set you off. I'm almost done.

The main reason i made this move with him was because I won't have a lease in this new place and so I won't feel tied to the place if I don't feel tied to him anymore. And since I've bought my new vehicle with my bonds I don't have any ties to a vehicle as well. I love him, I swear I do...I just don't know if I can live with him anymore. He is just aggravating, annoying, unhappy and I've been crying a helluva lot lately, tonight not being an exception. It started out so well too.

There's just a part of me that keeps believing the old Russ will emerge. I see him every once in a while, and these last 4 days prior he was his old self lately. Since we moved here though his temperence we worked on has gone kaput and I just don't know anymore.

I thought we were over the stupid, petty arguments...

I originally didn't intend for my first post in this long while to be so negative. I was thinking up this grand post about my new car, the new house, the backyard by beautiful puppy can play in, the opportunity of being able to take on dad-like responsibilities, our relationship getting back on track...

...but as in any situation, the drama seems to take precedence. It's how so many poets and writers gave their best works...not by writing about what's right, but what's wrong. I think we're inherit to just have a need to spill these things out into words. When I'm happy I never have this need to write, but by gosh when everything's wrong and i have the opportunity...you better believe I'm writing.

As far as I'm concerned at this moment I'm looking after myself.

Thank you everyone who's reading these. I appreciate any thoughts or just the thought of a readership. I promise I will be more frequent. It will be a happy destraction.

Thought of the day: "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" is coming off my Tivo. This show has more bad karma for me than anything. Anytime we freaking watch this show we always end in an argument (guess what we were watching tonight...). He may catch it on me later and then get pissed but the way I see it, it may save us a few arguments.

Doghouse and the Gutter anyone?

2007-03-26T19:32:00.000-05:00

Woohoo! Another month goes by and here I am posting again. A lot has happened since my last post and believe me I wish I could forget about half of it.

It always seem like when it rains it pours, but when you're a nice guy...typhoons seem to be the commonplace.

A big blow to our everyday life came when both our vehicles fell apart on us... well, the blazer fell apart on us, the expedition was by pure neglect. Each of us assuming the other would take care of it equalling an oil-free engine. *sigh* I admit I am at fault but by gosh he's the automotive guy who used to always take care of that stuff in our early days. Currently figuring out how to deal with the situation at the moment.

Russ picked up a little piece of his history to aid him in his vehicular exploits until we can figure out our best way of dealing. A 70ish Ford truck that was owned by an old father-figure mentor he grew up and worked around. Very sentimental to him. I'm not sure i find the same fondness of it but hey it runs.

Here in another week or so I should have an older Tercel to drive...until then I'm getting dropped off early for work and spending my time in the Walmart entrance area playing my DS until time to head. It's not been all that bad really, I kinda enjoy the time I have just playing the games and lounging with Ipod on.

We've talked about a financial scheme that may help us fix up the vehicles (with a well-learned lesson to boot), but we're still debating. I still have stock in a company i formally worked for and need to see about getting the money from that stock and using one of my bonds. Hopefully it'll work out ><

That's not really been the hardest issue though. The main issue is Russ and I have had an increasing number of fights in the last month or so that has really thrown my love for him through a loop. I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore. He's become extremely aggressive and biting during our arguments. I used to use the word "discussions" to describe our version of it but now it's turned to full-fledged arguments/retaliations. We've NEVER been this way to each other and all of a sudden ... eh I don't know if i can talk anymore about this. I may touch on this a bit later when I feel I have the right words to write. For now, I'm still very happy to be with him and hope the communication we prided ourselves on returns.

Slump >> what slump <<

2007-02-23T02:27:00.000-05:00

Wow, can you believe it. It's almost been a month since I last posted. I'm really ashamed of myself at the moment because I told myself I'd be more intense and verbal putting down my feelings and using my words so that I can still keep my intellectual alive inside myself. Well, I'm not ready to give up yet. Even without any readers at the moment I'll still continue faithfully on.

The last couple of weeks have been hard financially, well...not hard, just bare-bones. Last month we were a bit free with our money and thus this month has been quite tight. But we've done pretty well but I can't wait till russ' payday tomorrow and mine on wednesday. I'm also looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I definitely deserve it since I haven't had an off day since last tuesday and wednesday and that wasn't enjoyable due to that nasty bug I caught those days. Not how I would like to have spent my days.

Russ' back has been really hurting the last couple of days and he hasn't been to work either. I really doubt he'll be going tomorrow but I sure hope he does because I need him to pick up his check. ; ; We need the money.

I haven't been to the gym since my sickness last week. I really need to step up and just make myself go at odd times. During peak season at work I always was 7am-4pm and would be out of the gym by 6ish. Now during these slow times I have all these mid-shifts till 630pm and I hate getting out of the gym so late. I was hoping it was a fluke and my schedule would go back to normal so I wouldn't have to be out so late... but it is looking like it's of no hope. I'm gonna have to suck it up. It's not a bad sacrifice. I'm helping my body look the best it possibly can and making myself feel all too much better. I guess it's just the anticipation of having a good home night with my beau. The odds are the earlier i get home, the more energy the beau has and the more likely we are to do something enjoyable.

It's a slight chance but it's payed off before and I'm all too happy to give in when he wishes to partake. But all too often we don't do anything and my anticipation turns out for not. (and find myself wishing I'd went to the gym anyway)

Well, , my sickness is over and starting Monday I'm back full-force.

Also, I finally wrote a letter into Brent Corrigan's site explaining how much I adore the boy. Hopefully it all works out for the best. I was so excited later to click on the Subscribe link to his site I have all-to-often clicked into nothingness to find the service working! I am SOOOO excited. Once Russ puts in his check you can bet i'm subscribing. Goodbye Paltalk, HELLO Brent Corrigan! The boy is just an intelligent, beautiful young man and I will support him all i can.

Pizza Boy Found

2007-01-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

After Russ came home we decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite italian places. I had veal for the first time and wasn't really impressed with the flavor so I don't think i'll be ordering it again any time soon.

On the way home Russ asked if there was anything else that I wanted to do, I couldn't think of anything but he decided he wanted to pay a visit to a friend of ours at his workplace.

While living at our old place we had a friend in need staying with us (Jack) dealing with substance abuse and such. This friend had a coworker that he hung out with quite a bit (Danny) and was awesomely super hot, not to mention a very polite and cordial guy...only flaw is that he was straight.

Well he and our bud had a falling out, Jack moved and ended up going back to rehab and we really didn't get to see much more of Danny after that.

Well, this friend still had some of Russ' movies and Russ decided to pay a visit to his place of work. We dropped by and he was still there, by luck. We had a pretty good conversation. He's still hot as hell and doing his thing. We left him Russ' number and our address. He said he'd drop by soon with the movies and such. It was REALLY good to see him though. He is a good guy and I'm sad that we lost touch

Just finished watching the first Hawaii episode of "Top Chef" and am sooo sad that BOTH Elia and Sam were cut this round. I was hoping at least one of them would make it to the finals...but I have to deal with Marcel and Ilan. Not sure if I'll have any heart in this finale but I guess i'll be rooting for Marcel. He's kinda cute in an odd sorta way, and I believe in him a whole lot more than what Ilan presents.

Either way I'm not really excited about the finale. Bring on Amazing Race: All Stars and Survivor: Fiji.

Death of an IPod

2007-01-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

I just went to transfer my first load of laundry over to the dryer and it's a sad sad day for me. While pulling items to the other machine I kept hearing this odd clanking and passed it off as the buttons from a pair of my pants hitting the metal on the side. Wasn't even close.

I began to pull a towel out and my heart just sank. My Ipod shuffle was dangling at the end, headphones tangled around a corner. The power light doesn't work, doesn't play and the computer doesn't even register it anymore. It's absolutely dead.

That's been my only source of music and entertainment on the road since the radio from my vehicle had gotten stolen, and was the very first item I had gotten for myself since I'd began working that second job last August.

I couldn't help but to tear up just a little. I'm not sure how to tell Russ and not feel more stupid than I do now. Apparently, when I changed to shower at the gym yesterday I put it in my shorts pocket instead of my bag like I usually do. I knew I should've checked my pockets. *sigh* Lesson learned.

Rest in peace my Ipod.