He does still like me! (maybe) :P

It's tax-free weekend in Tennessee at the moment and for the past day or so it seemed like noone was phased or enthused about it. We planned scheduling around it so we had a great number of folks but we were almost dead yesterday. Today was a totally different story. We were slamming like nothing and hopefully we finally made our sales goal. Not that it's of any importance to my life considering I hate to live by the numbers. I just wanted a nice tie-in to what I really wanted to write about.

During all this deal I was helping get fitting room merchandise back presentable and returned to the sales floor and I got to work briefly with the oh-so-hot Greg. The one guy at work I would crumble for.

INTRODUCTION: Greg - Beautiful young man, probably 20ish... I haven't really asked his age yet but he's taking college classes. Shaggy black hair (with red patches, on purpose nonetheless), very well proportioned, probably around 5'6". Emo comes to mind when I think of his style...but he isn't as "extreme" as what we usually think as emo, but it gives you an indication of his look and feel.

Just a brief history. My fashion is still very similar to his although I used to have the haircut to match. I was growing it out very much like Milo Ventimiglia and was very close to matching it.

Greg and I got along well and talked rather frequently and I enjoyed being close to him.

Then a great mistake loomed over all. Russ silently wanted my hair back short and when I went in to get my sides and back cleaned up a bit I made a rash decision to cut it all off like Russ likes. Part of me wanted to see if it was the drastic change in hairstyle which may have contributed to the recent arguments and lack of "play time". It looked good but I didn't feel like ... me...like I went from me to someone without an identity.

Anyways, when I came to work after my haircut (and what felt like losing my identity) I sort of strayed from talking with Greg. All of a sudden I felt my connection to him was lost and I stupidly felt awkward around him. Like I was a different person than the one he knew. I knew it was unfounded and probably very wrong but my social anxiety kicked in. It made me think that Greg saw me as a different person now, not a person like him. And that ultimately he wouldn't talk with me. I regretted changing myself.

Then, today we were brought together to do some processing and we really began talking again...just like previous times. Granted, we always seem to talk about his academics...but he seems very comfortable talking with me about it. The look in his eyes feels like I'm the only one he really talks academics with... or so I'd like to think.

It was a good day. I learned that Greg would still talk to me and in an interested manner.

He is just too beautiful. Long hair i just want to latch onto...beautiful chest emphasized by form fitting shirts...hands tender, but very strong in their grasping...yum, so beautiful.

Granted right now I have a slight buzz (and forgive any misspellings, I'll reread soon and hopefully edit them all out) but talking with him really made my day again. Even though he is straight (at least in practice at the moment), it really made me enjoy this day so much more.

Thanks all for listening to my ramblings tonight. It's kinda random and not very well written. Most of my thoughts are based on emotion and random thoughts about the boy that drives me wild in my life outside of my relationship. Anyways, night all and here's hoping this makes sense ^^

Silently Forgiven but Not Forgotten

Today was kinda alright. Work was very slow although we planned for it being extremely busy. Hopefully tomorrow will go by quicker. Nothing of note really happened tonight although Russ apologized profusely about what happened last night without any kind of leading. He sincerely thought he was too rash with me which i undoubtedly told him he was. I never said, "it's okay...or you're forgiven" because I'm not sure right now if I want to give that to him. THis really hurt me and I don't want those words to be a bandaid that's soon forgotten. If i'm gonna open myself up to him by gosh he needs to prove that to me. He did surprise me with his apologies, but I will definitely see where the future lies.

Tomorrow I will have a talk with him about his temperance again. He seems to have forgotten his personal commitments since moving in the new place, and also with pulling some extra hours. He's been blasted the last few nights and personally I'm embarrassed Jenny (our roommate with the two boys) has to see him in this way on a nightly basis. I won't express that last part to him, but I will see about getting him back on track with his liking of the drink.

Anyways, have a good night all and by gosh I hope Rosie moves on the greatness wherever she goes!

Jekyll or Hyde (forgive me if i'm mispelling)

Mmmm.. Popcorn.

Tis what I'm munching on as I consider how to type out the current book I have to write.

(edit...I wrote these lines above much earlier in the day when I was pondering how and what to write)..

A ton of life changes have came about and Russ keeps giving me more reasons to dislike him everyday. I am a very forgiving person...I am a very self-sacrificing person...I try my hardest to make this man happy but he always finds fault with something. I literally almost hate him at this point. I try so hard...and things just never seem to be enough. I always seem to be just short of what he's looking for and he's so particular about things that it just blows up in my face all the time. I'm ready to just curl up in a corner and say, "you just do everything because I screw things up."

We just got through with a move. We got a house together with a friend of ours and her two little boys and we had our cable service changed over. For the past 3+ years we recieved "extra" channels courtesy of the guys who hooked us up (gosh knows why). The guy who hooked us up here didn't give us the extra channels like the last two and Russ of course had a fit, even though the years before was really a courtesy we can't really argue with considering we were getting extra channels without paying. So we decide to get the extra channels back and get them hooked up. The guy comes today and hooks up a box and a new remote for the new channels (for the previous years it was just a switch flip it seemed, but this is the actual "business-type maneuver"), allowing for other services and a program guide which i thought was pretty nifty.

Russ comes home, finds out there's a new remote, and that...omigosh...the channels change a bit slower when flipping (even though there's a freaking guide to look through now). "It's not what [he] wants!" he keeps screaming. What the hell ever, what you wanted was the stations back and by hell we got them. How was i the hell to know that this wasn't going to fit into your world. That waiting a freaking quarter of a second later during a channel scan was going to set you off. I'm almost done.

The main reason i made this move with him was because I won't have a lease in this new place and so I won't feel tied to the place if I don't feel tied to him anymore. And since I've bought my new vehicle with my bonds I don't have any ties to a vehicle as well. I love him, I swear I do...I just don't know if I can live with him anymore. He is just aggravating, annoying, unhappy and I've been crying a helluva lot lately, tonight not being an exception. It started out so well too.

There's just a part of me that keeps believing the old Russ will emerge. I see him every once in a while, and these last 4 days prior he was his old self lately. Since we moved here though his temperence we worked on has gone kaput and I just don't know anymore.

I thought we were over the stupid, petty arguments...

I originally didn't intend for my first post in this long while to be so negative. I was thinking up this grand post about my new car, the new house, the backyard by beautiful puppy can play in, the opportunity of being able to take on dad-like responsibilities, our relationship getting back on track...

...but as in any situation, the drama seems to take precedence. It's how so many poets and writers gave their best works...not by writing about what's right, but what's wrong. I think we're inherit to just have a need to spill these things out into words. When I'm happy I never have this need to write, but by gosh when everything's wrong and i have the opportunity...you better believe I'm writing.

As far as I'm concerned at this moment I'm looking after myself.

Thank you everyone who's reading these. I appreciate any thoughts or just the thought of a readership. I promise I will be more frequent. It will be a happy destraction.

Thought of the day: "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" is coming off my Tivo. This show has more bad karma for me than anything. Anytime we freaking watch this show we always end in an argument (guess what we were watching tonight...). He may catch it on me later and then get pissed but the way I see it, it may save us a few arguments.

Doghouse and the Gutter anyone?

Woohoo! Another month goes by and here I am posting again. A lot has happened since my last post and believe me I wish I could forget about half of it.

It always seem like when it rains it pours, but when you're a nice guy...typhoons seem to be the commonplace.

A big blow to our everyday life came when both our vehicles fell apart on us... well, the blazer fell apart on us, the expedition was by pure neglect. Each of us assuming the other would take care of it equalling an oil-free engine. *sigh* I admit I am at fault but by gosh he's the automotive guy who used to always take care of that stuff in our early days. Currently figuring out how to deal with the situation at the moment.

Russ picked up a little piece of his history to aid him in his vehicular exploits until we can figure out our best way of dealing. A 70ish Ford truck that was owned by an old father-figure mentor he grew up and worked around. Very sentimental to him. I'm not sure i find the same fondness of it but hey it runs.

Here in another week or so I should have an older Tercel to drive...until then I'm getting dropped off early for work and spending my time in the Walmart entrance area playing my DS until time to head. It's not been all that bad really, I kinda enjoy the time I have just playing the games and lounging with Ipod on.

We've talked about a financial scheme that may help us fix up the vehicles (with a well-learned lesson to boot), but we're still debating. I still have stock in a company i formally worked for and need to see about getting the money from that stock and using one of my bonds. Hopefully it'll work out ><

That's not really been the hardest issue though. The main issue is Russ and I have had an increasing number of fights in the last month or so that has really thrown my love for him through a loop. I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore. He's become extremely aggressive and biting during our arguments. I used to use the word "discussions" to describe our version of it but now it's turned to full-fledged arguments/retaliations. We've NEVER been this way to each other and all of a sudden ... eh I don't know if i can talk anymore about this. I may touch on this a bit later when I feel I have the right words to write. For now, I'm still very happy to be with him and hope the communication we prided ourselves on returns.

Slump >> what slump <<

Wow, can you believe it. It's almost been a month since I last posted. I'm really ashamed of myself at the moment because I told myself I'd be more intense and verbal putting down my feelings and using my words so that I can still keep my intellectual alive inside myself. Well, I'm not ready to give up yet. Even without any readers at the moment I'll still continue faithfully on.

The last couple of weeks have been hard financially, well...not hard, just bare-bones. Last month we were a bit free with our money and thus this month has been quite tight. But we've done pretty well but I can't wait till russ' payday tomorrow and mine on wednesday. I'm also looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I definitely deserve it since I haven't had an off day since last tuesday and wednesday and that wasn't enjoyable due to that nasty bug I caught those days. Not how I would like to have spent my days.

Russ' back has been really hurting the last couple of days and he hasn't been to work either. I really doubt he'll be going tomorrow but I sure hope he does because I need him to pick up his check. ; ; We need the money.

I haven't been to the gym since my sickness last week. I really need to step up and just make myself go at odd times. During peak season at work I always was 7am-4pm and would be out of the gym by 6ish. Now during these slow times I have all these mid-shifts till 630pm and I hate getting out of the gym so late. I was hoping it was a fluke and my schedule would go back to normal so I wouldn't have to be out so late... but it is looking like it's of no hope. I'm gonna have to suck it up. It's not a bad sacrifice. I'm helping my body look the best it possibly can and making myself feel all too much better. I guess it's just the anticipation of having a good home night with my beau. The odds are the earlier i get home, the more energy the beau has and the more likely we are to do something enjoyable.

It's a slight chance but it's payed off before and I'm all too happy to give in when he wishes to partake. But all too often we don't do anything and my anticipation turns out for not. (and find myself wishing I'd went to the gym anyway)

Well, , my sickness is over and starting Monday I'm back full-force.

Also, I finally wrote a letter into Brent Corrigan's site explaining how much I adore the boy. Hopefully it all works out for the best. I was so excited later to click on the Subscribe link to his site I have all-to-often clicked into nothingness to find the service working! I am SOOOO excited. Once Russ puts in his check you can bet i'm subscribing. Goodbye Paltalk, HELLO Brent Corrigan! The boy is just an intelligent, beautiful young man and I will support him all i can.

Pizza Boy Found

After Russ came home we decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite italian places. I had veal for the first time and wasn't really impressed with the flavor so I don't think i'll be ordering it again any time soon.

On the way home Russ asked if there was anything else that I wanted to do, I couldn't think of anything but he decided he wanted to pay a visit to a friend of ours at his workplace.

While living at our old place we had a friend in need staying with us (Jack) dealing with substance abuse and such. This friend had a coworker that he hung out with quite a bit (Danny) and was awesomely super hot, not to mention a very polite and cordial guy...only flaw is that he was straight.

Well he and our bud had a falling out, Jack moved and ended up going back to rehab and we really didn't get to see much more of Danny after that.

Well, this friend still had some of Russ' movies and Russ decided to pay a visit to his place of work. We dropped by and he was still there, by luck. We had a pretty good conversation. He's still hot as hell and doing his thing. We left him Russ' number and our address. He said he'd drop by soon with the movies and such. It was REALLY good to see him though. He is a good guy and I'm sad that we lost touch

Just finished watching the first Hawaii episode of "Top Chef" and am sooo sad that BOTH Elia and Sam were cut this round. I was hoping at least one of them would make it to the finals...but I have to deal with Marcel and Ilan. Not sure if I'll have any heart in this finale but I guess i'll be rooting for Marcel. He's kinda cute in an odd sorta way, and I believe in him a whole lot more than what Ilan presents.

Either way I'm not really excited about the finale. Bring on Amazing Race: All Stars and Survivor: Fiji.

Death of an IPod

I just went to transfer my first load of laundry over to the dryer and it's a sad sad day for me. While pulling items to the other machine I kept hearing this odd clanking and passed it off as the buttons from a pair of my pants hitting the metal on the side. Wasn't even close.

I began to pull a towel out and my heart just sank. My Ipod shuffle was dangling at the end, headphones tangled around a corner. The power light doesn't work, doesn't play and the computer doesn't even register it anymore. It's absolutely dead.

That's been my only source of music and entertainment on the road since the radio from my vehicle had gotten stolen, and was the very first item I had gotten for myself since I'd began working that second job last August.

I couldn't help but to tear up just a little. I'm not sure how to tell Russ and not feel more stupid than I do now. Apparently, when I changed to shower at the gym yesterday I put it in my shorts pocket instead of my bag like I usually do. I knew I should've checked my pockets. *sigh* Lesson learned.

Rest in peace my Ipod.