Oh the Confusion...

I feel like I've just walked into an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Something more happened in the house that I don't know and it's making me very apprehensive.

My day was going pretty well. Finished the men's department today except for a few visuals and then was invited to one of Karen's great get-togethers at her place. I was really excited about it and wanted to go, especially since I missed her last bash. At about an hour before I left the store it started to pour rain and I was thinking, there goes the party now but figured I still drop by just in case.

When I got off, I gave Russ a call (like usual) to let him know I was off and that I was going the gym and then be on my way home. He sounded obviously inebriated and definitely like something was on his mind. I know he was wanting to tell me something. We said our usual, but he added in "give me a call when you're on your way home," which was odd for him to say.

I was a bit awry but left it to the thought that he just wanted me to pick him up some dinner on the way home. I asked him and he declined, and once again said "just give me a call on your way home."

I knew now something was amiss and I told him that I didn't feel like driving in the rain more than I needed to and was on my way home. He said okay, but sounded like he was getting up and ready for something.

Soooo... fast forward to me getting home. I had worked up all the scenarios in my head as to what could have happened.

--He'd lost his job for missing so much work on the eve of him maybe having to go into surgery again.
--He was finally done with me and breaking up
--Anything else I could possibly imagine

But my biggest bet was on his job considering his only been to work like maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks...but lo and behold I come home and the doors are wide open and Russ isn't around. The house is dark and all the electronics are turned off. Jenny and the boys are nowhere to be seen and they should have been here at this time...they're always here at this time. I go out back and I see an obviously drunk Russ coming from the left side of the yard and sadly lets me know that TJ, my dog, is missing. She'd somehow gotten out of the backyard and run off.

My heart jumped and I tried to get out of him how it happened or what had happened. Considering she's a house dog and she only really gets out when we're out, I'm thinking how this could have happened.

I ask him about it and all he could say is "I don't know."

He didn't know how she got out, how long she had been out or anything.

I start trucking myself up and down the streets calling for her and find nothing and i'm very close to crying at this point.

I come back and Russ isn't outside anymore. He's gone into the bedroom and closed the door. I go in and he's curled under the covers. I informed him of my misfortunes and still a bit confused I say.

"I'm sorry, I'm not pressing this...but what happened again."

He then proceeds to yell at me that he took her out to pee and she disappeared and that I need to lay off.

"Wow, if that's how it is." was all I could muster.

I leave the room and start to head back outside to search for her some more and there she is soaken and sulking on the porch. I'm so happy she came back to us alright. I just pray she won't have puppies on the way. *crosses fingers*

I know Russ is hurting and he needs to get something done, but he also needs to take care of himself and I've tried and tried but he won't listen to me...I'm just over it.

Well, Jenny and the boys just arrived and they're alright and good, but Jen informs me that in his drunken stupor, he said around the kids that he wants to just "point a gun to his head to make the pain go away." Wow....this is just a bit much and I don't know how to deal with this. She wants me to take a pro-active stance but I have no idea what I can do for him that won't piss him off at me. I can't live like this. I wish I could just push rewind and start things all over, just to see if I could have ended up in a better place.

I know, not the answer that I SHOULD be coming up with, but this is all typical Russ this last year (and especially these last few months), and for all the effort I give...our relationship keeps deteriorating. I am just so overwhelmed right now with worry and thought...I just want it all to go away. Why can't he just let his ego go and get things done...it's crazy.

So yeah, not the best ending to my day. This could have been such a good day, but such is life.