What a Holiday

Just a quick note to say how my holiday went.

Saturday at my uncle's went well. We missed out last year because the message of the date and time came too late for me to request off at work. Everyone was so happy for the beau and I making it this year, although a few made it sound like it was my choice or that I did not do enough to come out. They didn't say that really, but I can sense it in the undertones of some things they said. But otherwise it was a great evening. My sister acted a fool, like always. My aunt made a wonderful meal of ham and all the fixings.

Christmas Eve we hosted a party at our new home. The beau's mother, my parents and sister, and the roomie's parents all came by and we all had a huge dinner. It was odd having all our parents there because they just seemed to be from different lifestyles and generations. I think it was a humbling experience for my dad. My parents loved the place and my dad liking it really surprised me. Usually, he's the first one with criticisms but everything out of his mouth was positive. The night ended with the roommate's boys opening all their gifts with the central gift being a game table with pool, air hockey and ping-pong options. I might just make use of that. : P

We also deep-fried our first turkey. Twas quite an experience. Went rather smoothly considering I was bombarding the beau with "what ifs." Quite tasty I have to say as well. I'm not sure I'm gonna say it was worth all the money we spent to prepare for it, but the experience did.

Christmas day we went to the beau's family dinner and it went well also. His sister's boys are growing up fast...already 19 and 21. Time flies.

We then proceeded onto my family's official dinner. Not really anything special. A decent dinner my sister made, not great...a whole lot of canned foods. The atmosphere was a complete turn-around from years past though. Everyone was in a pleasant and cheerful mood. It's usually awkward for some reason, but everything was my relaxed.

This holiday I came out with a lot of money for gifts. I'm kind of disappointed at that considering I'm probably going to be using it for bills. Bah, I'd rather get a tea-cozy or a gift card...so I don't have to feel this need to use the cash for responsible needs.

The highlight gift actually came from my dad this year. I asked for a mini-fridge for our new home and by gosh he got one. I haven't seen it yet because he didn't bring it to my mom's due to the rain. But whatever the size or shape, it will definitely be useful! We're going to run by his house sometime tomorrow with the beau's truck to pick it up.

Sorry for the quick post without a whole lot of description. I need to be heading to bed soon. Have to be at work at 4am in the morn. It's funny, the holiday decorations went up immediately after Halloween but can't stay out a hair after the 25th.

Oh wells, hope you all had a great holiday!!

Thursday December 20th

I love when you pay for a trail/breakfast mix and what you really get is raisins with a little bit of something else tossed in there.

But anyways, I got alot of cleaning and chores finished yesterday. Everything bill-wise came to a halt with me because the beau needs to have a hand finishing them.

Financial times are going to be tough I know that much. After shelling out the large sum we needed for the deposit and prorated rent for the month last week, we only had my meager check to pay for what should have been paid last week. And I only say meager becuase my check is the one that gets all the insurance taken out of it...so it's definitely the lower of the two. *sigh*

Needless to say we're going to be living on bird crumbs. Well, really we're not because I went grocery shopping. But because I went grocery shopping we're going to be living with like nothing until the beau's next check. I had to sit and meditate after realizing what I had done. We did need the food since I had not been food shopping in ages it seems like.

On the brighter side I did get our part of the house super clean. I mopped, vacuumed, and dusted and it really didn't feel like it took all that much time. Having the actual room to get about and easily clean everything totally makes a difference versus tripping and climbing over all kinds of things trying to achieve the same.

I'm back on my regular gym schedule starting monday of this week and it feels great. The gym I moved to is not as busy as the others and so I get quality time with all my favorite machines, benches and dumbbells.

I got to be heading to work here in a second. Wish me luck in this coming week and bring me wishes of great fortune ^^

Checking Your Cards

ahh... finally back into a regular pattern of living. The majority of boxed necessities have been unpacked and my life has begun to take back some normalcy.

We finished moving things about Wednesday and then spent the rest of the week up until Friday cleaning the new place. We, meaning the beau and I, the roomie only came to the house on the Wednesday. She did a lot that day but still it was kinda minuscule compared to what the beau and I ended up doing. Same thing for the moving process. But I'm not worried about that whole ordeal. We're in a better place and a better way of life. It's going to be more expensive but it definitely feels better. Both in my everyday, personal, and spiritual life.

From Friday on it's been basically me unpacking and building the beau and mine's space in the house. He dealt with the electronics and I've dealt with everything else. Which I don't mind considering it's what I like to do. I'm the one who's supposed to know where everything is and so it just makes sense.

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt this much personal space...well, I guess I could. Since April of last year when we moved into the small house with the roomie and the boys. Love them, but as in the words of the roomie, having everyone "on top of each other" wasn't very conducive to good feelings in the house. The whole place felt liked a brewing volcano and you all can probably relate to that with the whole meltdown the beau and I had. We almost broke up and split during our time in that house. It just goes to show that it really does depend on situation how people deal with things. In this new place, with the great open personal space that is separated from the others we are connecting much like we used to.

We may not be interacting with the roomie and the kids as much as we used to because we have the advantage of being able to close a door and still be able to enjoy anything that we want, but they have a considerable amount of control over their part of the house now too. It's now up to them how they decide to take advantage of that considering the beau isn't there to make a considerable impact on most of it. The roomie confided to me that she is happy with the move so I'm confident that everything is all well.

Our pup, T.J., couldn't be happier. A wide expanse of land to run around in and without the need for scolding. She has a large expanse of area to run and play and explore and I don't have to worry about her running into the road or someone's yard. So nice.

Tonight became a "Survivor: China" finale party for me. This has been my favorite season since "Cook Islands". I am SO happy Todd won, he totally deserved it. If I were in his shoes I would have played it the same exact way. I'm the smallest and I wouldn't be winning too many physical challenges. He played the mental and game portion to the T and I commend him for that. I'm a kindred spirit and wish Todd well.

I am just so thrilled to be able to start my everyday activities again. I can go back to my regular workout schedule and not the sporadic one I've been working with since beginning the move. I can come straight home and not have to worry about going to the other place to load, pack or clean. I don't have to worry about calling places to change my address or let multitudes of people know where they can find me.

It's a good feeling. And from the great energy I'm feeling from the place, I believe we'll be here for a long time. The beau and I have had the best energy between us and I've actually been able to reach a state of calm that I have not been able to reach for a very long time. My mind has been able to focus and free itself of all outside distractions. It's been very hard to that with an 8 and 9 year old moping, whining and complaining.

I'm thankful for this place and how it's changed my life and outlook in such a short amount of time. Alot of times it just proves that it may not be your relationship at odds, just the situation you are in. Make sure to look at all your cards before you play them. ^^

Moving- Days Three through Six

Well, let me tell you that moving the majority of two separate families items from that small house has been a bigger task than even I have suspected. Monday and Tuesday we worked to finish up the garage full of items and then moving a lot of the bulk stuff for the roomie and her boys. These days both the beau and I were working during the day, so we were not able to get to the moving till later in the evening.

Wednesday comes along and I had planned to have the day off because the cable guy was supposed to be coming to turn on the cable, phone and internet here at the new place. The set time was supposed to be between 1-3pm. I set up one load at the other house and came back to the new house (we had planned on being able to sleep in the new house that night), set up everything accordingly for the beau and unpacked some things while awaiting the arrival of the beau around 9am or so.

The beau gets there about 930ish and he sets up the electronics I sat out for him so that we can make sure the cable and junk works when it is finished. By the time we're finished with all our tasks, we see it's 1130 and we're not sure we can get to the old house, load up, and be back within an hour and a half. I unpack some more and the beau goes out to blow leaves, fix the toilet and lubricate some squeaky hinges.

Long story short on this day, the cable guy was supposed to be here between 1-3pm.

3pm came and no cable guy.
I call cable company to find out what's going on.
As I'm on hold I get a beep from an unknown number.
I don't answer it since I'm hold.
Nice lady I'm talking to tells me that the person is going to be between 30-45min late.

I think to myself, it's already 3oclock and past the two hour grace period given. I'm a schedule-minded person myself and I'm going crazy at this point. This is my last day off this week and the day I was meant to get a load of moving done! I've been here since 1130 waiting on the guy and it's now 3pm and no sign of him.

The dude finally shows at around 4ish.
Takes till close to 8pm to get everything finished with all the weird wiring around the place.

Recap.

My day off meant to be moving tons of stuff was spent from 1130-8pm under the spell of the cable guy. The beau had to be there because he has all the technical know-how and knows what needs to be done, and I had to be there because the account's in my name and I had to sign for the thing when it was finished. So *sigh*, we were both stuck.

I was nearly crying by the end of this whole stint because I thought there was no way in heck we'd get back to the old house, load up all our beds and be able to clean up and sleep in the new place.

Frustrated with the total waste of a day off I had, I was so aggravated that everything that I had planned to get done was so feebly taken over by something I thought was so simple as turning on the cable.

I end up deciding to call my superior at work and see if he'll give me tomorrow off to do what I couldn't get done on that day.

I was so in luck because he totally let me have it off.

Thursday.

The beau is tired and needs some additional rest before running out to the house again. He's had three back surgeries and today's main task consists of the refridgerator and washer/dryer. Not easy on the back to say the least.

We get to the house and load up a ton more than what I had expected to get at such a late time. And by the time I'm sitting here typing this we have pretty much everything of substantial importance here and in use. It feels good.

I'm very lucky to have my hard-working beau, co-workers who can understand the rare real-life concerns I may have, and the focus I have in organization and planning things out.

I really need to head to bed as I need to be at work at 6 and this will be the first time I've tried making the trip from the new place.

Thanks for reading the post. Not too insightful, just a retelling of the highlights of the past few hellacious days.

Moving- Day Two

Officially this should probably be "moving- day three" but friday I spent most of the day just packing and didn't really move anything at all. Saturday we got most of those things out, as you read.

Forgive me as I'm just a tad bit delirious. I waited till after moving all day, coming home, running out to the store, picking up dinner, watch "America's Most Smartest Model", "The Amazing Race 12", "Desperate Housewives", and "The Shot" before typing this. I technically should be in bed right now considering I have to be up by 5am but what the heck. I need to keep my updates going. lol. I just didn't think about it till right now.

Today went really well. We finished up the cleaning out the garage and then added in getting alot of the boys' things moved over there. We also cleaned out the roomie's and most of our closets as well. It doesn't sound like much but I wish I really had got a picture of our garage and the multitude of things that were living there. Hopefully, at our new much larger space they will find life past sitting in a cold space.

I am so excited that my comic books get to come back out in the open. They've been living in boxes insider our closet for these past months and it's been killing me. I can't wait to put them back on the shelves and be able to pull them out for re-reading.

We all have to go back to work tomorrow but we may end up moving more stuff tomorrow. Right now the plan is to do more packing in preparation for Tuesday evening moving. But we could also come in and start unpacking the items we've already put into place there. For me, personally, I can't see organizing anything until we move the items we use regularly. All we've really moved is the stuff that went into forced hibernation because of our space restrictions.

I let the beau know that once all our regular stuff is in place. Then, the extra un-needed items can be worked into the space. Doesn't make much sense to do it without that. Although I could stand to work some closet-management. Many of the things may end up living there so designating space would be advantageous early.

But, seriously I may spend most of tomorrow packing some more. I have a ton of books to pack up. Finish cleaning up the closet and packing up the computer desk and my work area. Long days ahead indeed.

Moving - Day One

Today we officially started our move to the new house. While the beau was off to pick up the truck to do the moving, I slept in a tad and then cleaned the dishes. Just after I finished he popped back in with the vehicle and we went to empty the garage as the first order of business.

Having a couple and a mother with two kids in the small house that we were sharing forced us to keep alot of our packed stuff stored in the house's single car garage. It is truly the rougher of all the rooms to move as there is a ton of stuff there. We got over 2/3rds of the whole thing done today and all the bulk stuff. We're very proud of our progress. I've never seen the garage this empty since we first moved in.

We arrived at the house and a friend of the beaus was there helping the owner load up the few things of his left inside the house. They were talking about some things and I let TJ out and let her wander the area. This is the first time she'd been to the new place since we've had a key.

She first visited it when we were just getting a feel for whether we wanted to pursue the place or not. As soon as she found the beau and was content that he knew she was there, she went zipping all over the place. Traveling all around the house, exploring the yard and deck. When she went inside it was so cute. She checked every room and nook in the house. When she found a window she'd look through it. When there was a door, she'd go through it. It was so funny. But I think she approves.

We started to unload it all. Most of the stuff stayed inside the new garage but there were a few things of ours that we were able to pull into our new bedroom. The bedroom at the old place was quite small for us and a bit of our furniture had to live in the garage.

Here, the master bedroom is as large as our old living room and dining room combined. Plus, our walk-in closet is HUGE (my favorite thing about the house). I'm actually planning on getting an ottoman to set inside so that we can sit and dress inside. It'll be so much more convenient!

These few things mentioned earlier found homes in various parts of our new room and it started to feel like home even more. There's an old blue couch the beau has had for ages and we were finally about to bring it out of it's forced retirement. Sitting in it together again felt real good. The move definitely feels right.

The house itself is 2400sq ft. compared to about 1200sq ft at the old place, we're essentially doubling our living space. The beau and I can enjoy private time within the confines of our own space (which is really a small apartment in it's own right), and the roomie and her kids have room to spread out and be able to do things without feeling like they're tripping over us and everything in their path. Very nice.

The yard itself is huge as well. Lots of trees surround the property and is just beautiful. Every inch of the yard is covered with leaves and it's a beautiful sight. The kids will have a great time in this yard and the seclusion will aid us in our sanity and love of the land. I can't wait to be able to extend my space out onto the deck and eventually onto the northern side of the yard. It is totally set up like it was just made for me and my plans!

And finally a pic of myself taken in front of our bedroom's bathrooms mirror. Our bathroom is the poo too. Nice large tub (might I mention I can actually soak in this tub unlike all the rinky-dink tubs I've experienced in all my other living environments) with sweet jet effects. dual sinks with a nice large mirror. Full-length mirrors on the back of the bedroom and closet doors. And heck, enough floor space in it that I'm planning on getting a mini-fridge to store our spirits and mixers so that the roomie and kids don't have to work around them. I'm so super excited and wish I was already in it.

Only bad part of the day was that my knee injury showed it's ugly head during the process. When the weather drastically changes from warm to cool rather quick, my knee will act up and feel like it's gonna pop from the backside. Back in elementary school, I was playing basketball during phys.ed. and ended up tripping and falling straight onto my knee. It's acting up more now than before. After my rest tonight, it'll be fine.

But alas, we have a few more days of moving. I will have to be a bit more patient and know that by this coming Wednesday we should be sharing our new home together.

On the Brink

Tomorrow officially starts the grand move to the new place. I am super excited about all the options coming with the extra space this home will give us. I won't be naive to the fact that finances may be tight going into this but I know we'll get through it.

I've done quite a bit of packing today and will be for the next few days. Happily the packing won't be as much as last time considering the place we're in is kinda small and we really didn't unpack a whole lot, the extra unimportant stuff has still ben sitting in the garage over this time. We'll finally be able to bring the board games out again!

Being back at the gym has made me feel great! My body is reacting great to the shock and my confidence and sanity is back. It's wonderful the effect and hour of lifting will do for stress.

Since the roomie is on a road trip to pick up her boys from their father in Wisconsin, and the beau was at work today...I was able to have a day by myself. I practically spent the day naked and loved every minute of it.

I totally would be au natural all the time if I could. It's comforting and just...natural.

When the beau came home we went out for a great dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I still ate well, but had a great change from the ordinary. We then went to a local store to look for reading glasses. He got him a pair and I picked up a pair of sunglasses for my glasses. They fit so well despite my frames being oval and them being a rectangle. Much better than the clip on sunglasses I've been using. If I put them on too low the ends of the clips tickle my nose and I hate that.

I'm still looking for a piece of furniture to act as my new altar at the new place. I want it to feel perfect..but sadly perfect has to be within a certain price range. It's hard working on a budget but I'll do it. Now that I have a distinct altar area at the new place, my dresser just isn't going to do. Here's hoping the moves go well and all falls into line!

Tomorrow's the Day

Whether I like it or not, tomorrow is going to be the day I start back on my lifting. I went into a slump after I hurt my foot during my vacation and, like usual, I've found it hard to get back into the routine. But once I start again I will be back full force.

I had to bring my workout bag inside to change out my workout clothes as this is the first I've been to the gym when It's been legitimately cold and had to switch from shorts to sweatpants of some kind. I purposefully planted my car keys in the side pouch of my gym bag so I don't forget it in my haste.

I always find a great inspiration when friends or coworkers notice my efforts in the gym and I recently talked with an online friend who enjoys the fact that I work out and it's prompted me that much further to work. My partner is great but they could care less whether I work out or not. I do enjoy the eventual comment that the work I'm doing is worthwhile and this person just made me want to work that much more.

I don't think I've lost all that much of my definition. I know my chest has softened some as that is one of the hardest spots for me to gain considering how small I am. I will put some extra focus on it, my back and shoulders as they are my hard-gainers. I can't wait actually.

I've added other focuses in my life as well since coming back from vacation so it will be interesting how I incorporate them as well as my workout regimine. Wish me luck out there, you've all been great and supportive. I appreciate that!

Battling the Cold

I don't like it when it's cold. Having to scrape the frost off of windshields or at least having to burn gas long enough for the defrost to do it's job. I finally decided to put away my short-sleeves and pull out my long-sleeved alternatives. I had a certain realization while doing this that I don't have a whole lot of winter-type clothes. I've usually made due with a jacket and my short-sleeves. This year is different it seems.

It seems I'm much more prone to cold weather this year. I've already undergone my first head cold of the season and passed with flying colors. My body's been much more sensitive to the chill and have found myself wanting to dress much warmer than I have in many years.

Hoodies and fleece (usually my mainstay), have been increasingly insufficient for me this past week. I've found myself wanting to invest in the things that I've never felt the need to browse before...heavy coats.

I don't think it's because it's getting much colder than any other year previously...I've just felt my body changing. The beau says that an adult's body chemistry starts to change at various points in their lifetime and I think this point in my life is one of those. Not only for the reaction to changes in the weather, but for other reasons as well. Things you were able to get away with all of sudden takes a drastic turn and leaves you "in the cold," so to speak.

I've really been thinking hard about this one coat at my work. But spending over $40for an item of clothing just brings out the skinflint in me. I may just have to break down soon and do it. There's seems to be so much more I can do with that money versus a coat i'll only wear for a season...or with just a few outfits depending on the color.

...I long for a time when I can look at a $40 personal purchase as a drop in the bucket. Until then, the new hoodie I got a few weeks ago will suit me fine. As long as I'm not out too long.

Back in the Game As Well

So yeah, it's been a while. It's actually been because of particular parts of my personality. When I came back from my vacation trip to Nashville, I hard hurt my foot pretty bad during a sight-seeing walk we had taking and I had been wearing the wrong type of shoes. So upon my arrival back my regular workouts had to be halted because I could barely stand on my foot after dealing with being on it at work.

At this point at work I had also accepted a temporary position at work. During the holidays I am to be acting as the sole merchandiser for our $8million a year store and that's alot of hard work, stress, and pressure. When my foot wasn't hurting, I was emotionally spent from work. Since that time I think I've been to the gym about 3 times. And thus I fell back into the spiral of making excuses for not going to the gym, and even worse taken back on my bad eating habits.

Well, I'm ready to give myself a quick kick in the ass and continue up where I've left off. I hope that you all will welcome me back as I take up the reigns again. I'll post my starting measurements here in a few. I'm kinda scared to take a look considering what I had put in before.

I also think alot of the stress and emotional weight I've been experiencing here at home and at work has been because of my lack of not being at the gym to relieve all that. I've been an emotional wreck... especially in the last 3 weeks or so.

So, I'm sticking to my guns, my word and my future self.

Me...Neville..?

Me...? Neville? Really, I guess if I take a step back and see the personality behind his exterior I can see it. I feel I'm a little more decisive on my own beliefs but I do also rely heavily on others. Definitely a surprise to me. I was kinda hoping I was leaning towards Lupin . *cry*

Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Neville Longbottom You are Neville Longbottom. You come across as shy, quiet, and reserved. Underneath, you are deeply caring of your friends and/or family and would put yourself at risk to defend them, even though you would usually exclude yourself from arguments. You don't care much for competition or glory. Maintaining peace and justice are much more important to you. Neville Longbottom 78% Luna Lovegood 69% Remus Lupin 63% Ron Weasley 63% Severus Snape 63% Albus Dumbledore 59% Draco Malfoy 59% Hermione Granger 56% Oliver Wood 50% Bellatrix Lestrange 44% Percy Weasley 44% Harry Potter 44% Lord Voldemort 38% Sirius Black 38%

Sweet Escape

Monday is the only time I REALLY sit down and watch television. Sure I watch a show or two on a daily basis but it's not really a have-to, I have Tivo...I can watch things when I can. But on Mondays... yeah there's no getting around it. Even with it recorded I have to watch this particular string of shows back to back and in their time frame. No questions or I'm disappointed.

It's funny how one will want an escape from the real world at times. To just sit back and temporarily forget all that's going on and dwell in the imagination. Only temporarily though, we can't forget our responsibilities. I connect with these shows in different ways. It's like seeing bits of my personality played our in front of my eyes.

It's even more needed now. This is my first holiday being the sole merchandiser for the store. Normally in the past I've just had a couple of departments or even just one department to work with. Back in the days when we had a Lead for each department. Ah the good old days when each department had a faithful attendant 40-hrs a week. Now with all the full-time and management cuts there's only a sole merchandiser for the whole store. Holiday is a crazy season. Getting shipped tons and tons of items for potential sale to gift-buying individuals. The inventory has been rather okay this round, just the short times between new books and new merchandise and presentations has left minute times to sell through the old (relatively speaking). Ah, the schizophrenic world of retail.

So an escape such as this is very much welcome. Every Monday is my escape day where I put nothing on my agenda after work (unless I decide to go the gym as well) and prepare my day for these shows. A night for me.

I thought about naming the shows but it's all relative. Some may not like or get them and it could ruin the post for some, which would totally miss the meaning. If you all want to, you can guess the shows. ^^ Given what most know about me already some could probably pinpoint them all and give a reason as to why. Anyways, it's close to bedtime. Have a good night all!

Note to self: I've recently found I use the word "really" quite a lot. During essay writing and blogging I find myself re-reading and editing around the multitudes of "really"'s I use. So my apologies if I've missed a couple hundred.

Back in the Fray

I know, I know, it's been quite a while since I posted. I'm going to ignore the whole catching up phase of blogging. Although I will say the beau has not made much progress in settling the deal on the house. Supposedly him and and the owner are going out to see the place tomorrow (which I've heard multiple times lately) and determine the work that needs to be done and for what price we'll be renting the place.

Work has been extremely frantic, in fact at times I've felt I'm going to tear my hair out, cry and go crazy all at the same time. Being the sole moves coordinator for seven departments during holday AND peak time for book and inventory changes can be extremely stressful. So I helped myself to a bit of meditation and a tad of drink today. Part of me thinks I need to get out now, the other says just bust through this and it'll lighten up after holiday. We'll see how well I hold up.

TJ went through quite a life-changing ordeal in that she hurt her back right knee jumping off the porch a week or so ago. We took her to the vet and it seems it's a heriditary thing in her dacschund (sp?) lineage. She's going to be fighting problems with her knees and leg joints for the rest of her life. It's so sad to see her hobbling around, not using her back leg. Makes me feel like I've failed her somewhat...but according to the vet it's nothing I could've prevented. It had to happen sometime. Now it's just an ordeal keeping her from dancing or begging. Anything against what we've taught her formerlly to keep her from putting pressure on her back leg joints. I'm currently looking for some doggy steps so that she doesn't have to leap on our bed anymore. She's barely makeing it anymore.

There's been a change in relationship for me personally between the roommate and her boys. She asked us to basically let her boys do as the wish and just inform her if they do anything wrong without putting in our own punishments. So that's how I'm acting now. I've taken a step back and I'm not going to try to instill my values or moral values on them.. They're good kids, but she's a very "modern" parent...talking about things, and giving time outs. Not that her way isn't valid, but her boys are at an age where those things don't mean much. They've learned to agree to things that they're not going to live up to get through a conversation, and to know that being neglected of certain things for a night is not too bad a thing. The biggest thing with me is that they have a certain disrespect for their mother. Don't get me wrong, on the whole they're great boys and awesome when in public places. But put them out of public and they know exactly how to take advantage of their mom. And that irks me to no ends. But upon her wish, she wants us to take a step back and let her discipline the kids. So I'm stepping back from "family" mode and stepping back into the "couple/mom with kids" mode I formally adopted when we first moved in together.

That's it in a nutshell, other than the fact of my studies but I want to cover that in another post, good night and sorry for my absence!

So Worth It

Today was a pretty decent day. Work was stressful, big shipments and I've spent eons working in the Men's department. I literally could feel the stress on my body today. Not that I'm overexerting myself, just pushing myself to some limits to which I've predisposed myself. I'm not totally sure I'll make it through holiday unscathed and in one mental piece but I'll make it. I practiced centering myself thoughout the day and especially on the way home. I hate leaving without the feeling of completion, and I didn't get done what I wanted today.

The high point of the day was taking the roomie and her boys out to see the actual insides of the house and see how it played out with her. She was very highspirited and enthusiastic about the move and if anything we may be moving by month's end. Her workload is going to be increasing around December through January and if we're doing it she wants it to be soon.

Exciting and scary at the same time, considering we just moved to this place in April. But there is also a great concensus that we all feel more comfortable with this place. I was smitten and comfortable from the beginning, even before seeing the inside. The beau has the same feeling as I and the roomie feels very good and comfortable with the place and the possibilities it has. She mentioned that she has never felt comfortable yet in our current place, which is the same way the beau and I feel. Really we've had our worst feuds (and really our only, heck we almost separated ways here, which has never happened before) in this place. I won't be sad to see it go.

The new place is going to be more expensive but hopefully in the end it'll be all worth it. I think it will. So at this point it's pretty much a definite. I might as well start packing and tying up the ends here on this place.

It'll be nice.

A Rush of Emotion

Today was a day off for me. I slept in till 1ish and I felt very good when I awoke. Spent about an hour and ahalf online messing around in the bedroom and then needed to take TJ out to relieve herself.

As soon as I opened the door, this rush of negativity seemed to hit me. I'm not sure what it was but it was rough. After taking the puppy out I decided I needed to get away from here for now. I needed to pick up a journal and some drink anyway, so I made a hasty departure.

I ran some errands and for the most part caught my balance again. But it seemed this sadness crept into me. My chest was heavy and I felt like I was on the verge of tears for much of the rest of the day. There was a point where I was singing along with some Maroon 5 lyrics and literally almost busted out the tears.

I don't know what it was, but it got me. Overall it was an alright day though. I felt like I have gotten/am getting alot of things done although the checkbook balancing still needs to be done...but the beau is on the comp anyway.

Started studying Oberon Zell's book today and the handwritten journal I've started to keep seems to be permanent versus the online journals I've been working with. Handwriting it versus typing seems to be more fluid and solid. More emotive and meaningful in a way. Once you write something down with ink, it's still there no matter how much you scribble it out. A lot of power in the written word.

What I Deserve

It's funny the lessons that you can be shown and the circumstances in which they arise.

I had a pretty fulfulling day at work. I was finally able to put other things aside and actually do the job that I was prescirbed. After so many weeks of only being able to half do it, the process felt good. It only took a major move to make it necessary but I'm not complaining.

The biggest part of today though happened later in the evening...after I had watched "America's Most Smartest Model" and finished off with "Desperate Housewives."

When I came home, I ate dinner with the beau and watched whatever it was the beau was watching and enjoyed it with him. After dinner, I moved over to my viewing spot and watched my Tivo'd "Smartest Model" and then proceeded to do some reading online. I watched the mandatory "Housewives" and then went to the bedroom to do some reading. Since I've been away from the Craft for so many years I really needed time to read and gather my sensibilities about me. Not sure if that makes sense, but it allows me to to reconfirm ties I once had and connections I'd forgotten.

But anyways, my last hour before bed I was wanting to read. I go into the bedroom, light up some incense and start to cue up some ambient music on Itunes Radio. Even when I was in college these two things really allowed me to focus whenever I was studying.

The beau then comes into the bedroom and states that he's going to bed. I think that's alright because he's come into the room before with the same request while I was reading and he'd just lay down and go to sleep and I'd continue on my deed till I finished it.

Just a note, because of the person I am I like to keep a "to do list" in my head of things I want to get done before I'll give myself the privelage of sleeping. I'd done everything up to this point other than my reading.

So... I lit the incense and I was cueing up the music and he comes out of the bathroom and says that's it's alright if I'm reading but "this has to go." Indicating the overhead light. The only other light source in the room is the parlor light next to his side of the bed and so this makes reading in the room that much harder if not impossible.

Then he says..."or you can just go to bed with me." And I'm umm..."no, I'm reading." This is what I want to be doing this later and I'm doing it. I pick up my incense and book and move into the now empty living room.

I sit down, set up my music, incense and open my book. The puppy then begins to look at me with those big puppy eyes and begins to whine. A sure indication she needs to go out. I'd only taken her out maybe 2 hours ago and so now I'm frustrated.

I take her out and really am treating her like the warden bringing their prisoner out for a mandatory respite out to civilization. I stand on the porch with my flashlight and lightly scold her for not getting on the grass immediately and then I catch myself and stop to think.

I know I've just been inconvenienced a couple of times in the last hour or so....but why take it out on them...they're in their rights. It is 11pm and the beau needs to be up in the morning, so it's probably best that the lights are off for him...and the pup hasn't #2'd for me all day, maybe it's that time... (and it was).

I just had to get over myself and what I think I deserve versus what it is going on with the people and animals I love around me.

I spent so much time later in my relationship with the beau concentrating on what I've sacrificed on my part for our relationship, that sometimes I concentrate too hard on regaining it and forget the responsibilities and courtesies that still need to be expressed in a relationship. Even with my puppy.

I've been blessed these few weeks with insights. Whether they're from myself being more open or a cordial slap to the face by the Goddess, I have recognized where I'm at fault just now.

I may have sacrificed parts of my former life, but I can't forget that I share a life with other individuals and to deny them their general wishes because I'm trying to ragain my past is not right of me. i need to make better use of my time so that I can get my "list" done and still accomodate the basic wishes of those around me.

Quick Note

I just wanted to get a note out and say that I'm sorry for being WAY behind in my blog reading! It's just been constant stuff here. The beau has been so active this week that it's throwing off my routines lol, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

We took the roomie and the boys out to see the house. Not exactly sure how she feels about it just yet but I think it went alright. The guy who owns the house is out-of-town at the moment...so no key. We still couldn't see the inside too well, but at least it was daylight this time round and we got a better idea of the layout and what some of the rooms looked like. I still have a very bright outlook about the place.

My foot seems to be MUCH better and so YAY, back to the gym tomorrow!

Now off to reading blogs!

No Place Like Home

It's really funny how things work out sometimes.

As you all know, currently my beau and I are sharing a 3BR house with a friend and her two boys. It belongs to a friend of the roommate's and he's turned out to be a bigger hindrance than originally we had planned. Complaining if the grass is a little overgrown or if there's more vehicles in the driveway than he would like to be there. We know it's his right to oversee things, but the beau and I came into this situation thinking he was an "easygoing" guy (per the roomie). And he's even surprised her.

During this last "warning" (which is the first), the Gods would have it that a friend/co-worker of my beau's has a ranch house to rent-to-own and wants to fill before the winter comes. This wasn't just a happenstance, the co-worker actually seeked my beau out and asked him about it. The beau wasn't so sure about it upon seeing some pictures, but with the freshly drawn image of having to move his precious old Ford truck because the landlord thinks it's "been sitting there for weeks and needs to be gone"... decided to ask me if I wanted to take a look at the place, and I said sure. I'm not thrilled with the idea of moving again, nor moving again AND sharing a space with kids again. But I was open.

We went out there and let me tell you it was like the Goddess was whispering in my ear. It's a decent size rancher house. We only got to see the outside for now as the beau didn't have a key yet.

There's a long wrap-around COVERED porch around the front door. Nice and secluded in location with trees all around and plenty of lush greenery. Lots of open area and I could just ENVISION making myself an outdoor space at the northface of the yard. It makes me giddy, teary, and almost nervous at the same time. Standing on the deck and looking out at all the nature just FELT right. Like this was where I was meant to be.

My empathetic side tends to get the best of me at times and if the beau knew how desperately I want the place now for that alone he would snap it up in a heartbeat. But we haven't seen the inside yet...so, I explained how I really do like it (which is much more than what I gave for the place we're currently in), which surprised and pleased him.

There's only a couple of things from the outside that seem to be fixer-uppers but they're very easy to fix. There's an overgrowth of ivy around the front steps and the wood for the steps needs to be replaced.

Tomorrow hopefully the beau will be able to pick up a key and be able to take a look at the place itself. Right now I am REALLY hoping this place works out for all because it really feels right to me. *crossing fingers* Wish me luck!

Saved!

I just finished watching my newest Netflix movie I've recieved. I have to say that although I've been wanting to see "Saved!" for a long time that it definitely exceeded my expectations.

I know I have a fondness for teen flicks but this one is just excellently written and the story makes a whole lot of sense. The characters throughout were well played and meaningful. By that I mean, I think each of the main players had an almost equal amount of "meaningful" airtime. The movie was just great and it's on my "to buy" list now.

I even teared up in a couple of parts.

So yeah, it's almost 2:30am now so I guess I should be heading to bed soon. But considering I slept in till almost 5pm this isn't that bad a bedtime. So night all!

Just Call Me Gimpie

The good news is that my foot is doing better now. It still gives me some grief but I think it's going to be an ongoing thing in my life. Have always had issues with my right foot, in general, hurting after long days on my feet and was always asking the beau to massage it or touch it because it always made it feel better.

The pain I was feeling for the last 2 weeks has pretty much alleviated, but my feet are now succumbing earlier in the day to that general hurt that I've had for a long time. Maybe it's time to actually check out what my career options are in the sitting world. Maybe so many years working on my feet is taking a toll. Heck, a wheelchair would be nice right about now too.

It's not a biggie though.

I ended up sleeping till about 5pm today. I was probably catching up on that night of sleep that I had lost Monday night setting up the outlet transition from outlet to retail. I would normally be kicking myself for losing such a long part of the day to sleep but it felt good and it was probably needed. So I won't be so hard on myself.

I plan on starting back at the gym on Monday and at least working my upper body and abs. I'll have to see how my feet are holding up to handle any leg routines. I've missed going to the gym.

I also have gotten a phone call on Thursday from an old friend. It's a long story and I think I'll tackle it tomorrow. Hugs to all!

Playing Catch Up Pt. 3

My first day back at work goes well for the most part. I find out that not only will my Logistics Manager be going to help transition a store's moving, but now our womens/girls moves coordinator is going to be acting as a temporary supervisor for her from November till they return after the move.

Which means.... I am going to be coordinating the whole store. Wow. That was a big surprise for myself. I'm up for the task but it's kind of intimidating at first considering I haven't had my hand in either of those departments really. I'll be alot better after playing in them for a bit and getting a "feel" and "sense of order" which is mine within them versus trying to work around the reasoning of another cooridinater.

My first 9 hr day went fine and my foot acting up a bit but nothing to be worried about.

T, my Logistics Supervisor, came up to me later in that day to ask if I could come help finish up our Outlet Transition to Retail in the Pigeon Forge store. At first I was hesitant, but after finding out that they were supposed to be opening that next morning and were desperate for help I figured it would be best for me and my potential work career to give them a hand. Especially since our DM asked me if I'd work it weeks before.

So I work a 8-5pm shift at my store, 3 of us head out at 5:30ish and get there at about 6:20ish. We're there until almost 4am. I basically single-handidly set up their marketing and promotion signage while I was there. A big undertaking and I got a number of compliments on my work. Bad thing was, that going into my almost 18 hours of working straight on my feet my problem foot from the previous weeks began to give me a ton more problems. I was basically hobbling through the place, but I'm astute and get the job done. So much pain though.

So we leave, and it's about 530ish am by the time I get home. I have to be at work at 8am and there's no way I'll wake up if I fall asleep...so I make a pot of coffee and go into work without sleep. It wasn't all that bad if it weren't for my foot.

I get through that day and manage to stay awake for what is possibly 28ish hours. My foot is killing me by the time I got home that day. I was a mess. I didn't understand why it was hurting after being so good during the last wee. I cried quite a bit, held onto the beau for support, and got sloshed.

Today was alright as well. My foot is still giving me problems. I don't take medicine but I found myself buying tylenol (which I have never done in my life...ever) and taking the medication. I can, according to my stunningly slow injury perceptance, finally classify this as a chronic pain which I probably need to have looked at.

The beau thinks I have a stress fracture of some sort...and I just don't know. I want to think it's just some over-stressed muscles in my foot that just doesn't want to let go. I haven't made any moves yet, but I may soon.

Also, Jay if you were wondering why I haven't updated the workout chart in a bit, my gimp foot is the reason. Waiting for it to clear up before I can have a chance to focus on the workout routine. It makes me so sad that I haven't been in the gym for over a week. I so want to be there.

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To finish up this Catch Up post, I want to say how excited I am about this fall tv line-up. "Heroes" is back and with a shirtless Milo for most of his appearance of the second episode.....SO YUM! But loving "Heroes".

So great to see "How I Met Your Mother", "Biggest Loser", "Survivor: China", and I'm welcoming some newcomers..."Pushing Daisies" and "The Big Bang Theory". Although I'm sorely missing "The Class" since TBBT is in it's former time-spot. I'm hoping it wasn't cancelled, but it probably was. Boo.

Hopefully that catches me up and I hope you all aren't mad at me for all the posts you need to read all about me. Sheesh....I'm making it hard.

But seriously, sorry for the wait and please, wish me good fortune with the healing of my foot. ^^

Playing Catch Up Pt. 2

My second vacation week was very relaxed. The first week was almost depressing for me. I wanted to have my hands in something. I couldn't deal with not having anything to do, and that definitely showed in my depressive post just before my break here. Kind of work withdrawal. I'm kind of glad I wrote that, it really shows some things I'm usually afraid to talk about.

So the second week flew by like a hurricane. After coming back from our trip to Nashville, I was much more laid-back and just enjoyed that silent symphony of not having a darn thing to do and still getting paid for it.

What I did mainly was catch up on my Final Fantasy XI playing. Anyone who plays video games will have at least a general idea of what the Final Fantasy series is and XI is the online version of their game. I finally got my Beastmaster to 65 and am super excited about that, means my Maat fight will be coming in a few levels. This probably didn't make sense to many of you and that's alright. That's a silent accomplishment for me and I like to remember it. If you'd like to hear more about my XI character just let me know ^^.

This next weekend we decided to take a Saturday trip to Cades Cover, over and around the Smoky Mtns. It was super beautiful. The traffic was annoying at times but overall it was fun and we managed another 5 or so chapters of HBP.

My foot had still been bothering me through this time and walking had become more of a chore than it should have been. At this point the pain has been kind of chronic and I'm starting to think something more than just impromptu pain may be going on.

Sunday, there's a day off and I relax and everything is cool for my first day back to work after a very relaxing two weeks off.

Playing Catch-Up Pt. 1

Has it really been that long?

Sadly it has and I'm sorry for that. I've been in weird place this last week or so and it was just odd. That's all I can say to describe it really.

I want to say it was that lack of responsibility during vacation time that got me behind. Then of course when the material for the blog started to back up and the potential for one HUGE post or multiple posts became apparent the procrastinator took over in me. I don't possibly have time for that big of a post.

Well, fresh from my vacation time and three days back into my workplace is where I'm picking up.

A quick synopsis of how my Nashville trip the weekend before last went:

- We arrived in Nashville about 5pm and made a stop in the Opry Mills mall. We walked around, ogled cute Nashvillian guys and did a lot shopping in the branch of my store that resides there. It was all for the beau this time around. He's always complaining about not having any clothes and that's because I can never drag him into a shopping situation on a regular basis because I don't make it a point to have to return something. He couldn't get away from it this weekend. Score, everything we got was for him. It tickled me.

- We ate at the local TGI Fridays in the mall and had this really cute and personable gay boi wait on us. It was his 3rd day and he missed up a few things. For one bringing my beau a Bahama Mama instead of a Cape Cod, his pre-meal salad was late, and he had to eat half his meal without a second drink...but,you know ... the kid handled it with grace and like I said, he was super personable and fun. So it made it all okay, fun AND memorable.

- We left the mall and quickly found ourselves a decently priced hotel room. Normally I'd have one already pre-planned but keeping in the spirit of this being an impromptu trip I figured we'd just let it all out. After setting the room up, we head out to a club I had found and heard good remarks about. I thought it had a great, young feel.

We didn't get to stay very long as the beau was super tired from the drive. We'd only been there maybe 2hrs tops. I wasn't too excited about that but then I shrugged it off and said, hey I'm on vacation...otherwise I wouldn't have been there in the first place. He also promised we'd make a trip back with rest time planned in so that made it all better for me.

- The next day we make a trip to downtown and proceed to make a 4 hour-ish trek looking at all statues, dedications, plaques, state buildings, etc. It was alright. This part was more for the beau since he enjoys this type of thing and he indulged me in mine the night before.

For lunch we partook a great little Italian place and I had a nice duo plate of lasagna and a grilled chicken parmesan. It was splendid, but of course it was heavy and I couldn't finish it all.

The rough part of the time was that by the end of our excursion my foot had begun to really hurt. We were almost to the car, and I'd began to limp pretty badly. The right side of my right foot kept having a shooting pain and was making it hard to place my foot flat. I'd ended up tip-toeing that foot also making the rest of that leg, especially my calf, work extra hard.

On the way back hom that weekend, we managed to put away about 7 chapters of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince". I've already read the book, but am trying to get the beau through it so that we can finally get to the final book. I've been very nice and haven't read it yet so that we can finish the series together. So no spoilers!

So this ends part 1 of my catch- up!

Not Who I Want to Be

Here I am, a full day back from our weekend trip to Nashville. I wil get to telling you about it probably tomorrow. We had a great time and will definitely be making another trip or two back in the near future.

I just feel ultimately drawn to write about change. I feel like I need to change. My life needs to change. Like who and what I am, is dwindling away because of the life I lead.

Everything in my being keeps telling me to leave my relationship, my job, this city, my comfort zone. It's very obvious to myself that my life has come to a virtual standstill and that's literally because I have a whole list of what I would like to do...but since leaving school years ago I haven't really gave myself a thorough to do list for myself. I've taken what's come at me and I haven't really followed through on anything that I really want to do.

I have a history of starting things and not following through and/or being offered opportunities and turning them down/setting them aside because of my insecurities.

I don't like who I am or the life I'm leading.

The remedy to this is to ask myself..."what do I want?...what do I want to do with my life?"

...and I don't know.

I could more easily answer what I wish I had followed up on or changed in my life decisions.

Part of me wishes I weren't gay so that I could follow up on my JROTC training and made a living with the Air Force. The only thing keeping me from not making a living out of the military was my sexuality.

I wish I hadn't given in to stupid college pranks and crap when I went to university for the first time. I could've starred in a number of theatrical productions there and built upon my want for an acting career. I was offered these roles and turned them down to come back closer to home. My college prospects slowly dwindled away from there.

I've just screwed myself over in so many ways. All because I'm so indecisive about what I want. Well, I know what I want...I just don't have a BURNING for something. There's not that fire that burns within me for anything anymore. Well, that's not true, there is a yearning but not a fight. I'm tired of obstacles, tests, and years of useless classes to do anything pertinent.

I want a better life for myself...something I can be proud of and not be ashamed.

I apologize for this ramble. I'm a tad sloshed and really felt like I needed to write this. When I look at it in the morning I'll probably think, "what the?" or I may just expound on some things.

I'm just not happy where I am. The clear answer is change, but change is so hard for me.

Fine.

Promise to myself. Starting tomorrow, I'm putting together a plan for me AND following through with it. I can't just sit and complain forever and never do anything about it. I'll never be happy.

Thanks for listening.

The Day-Trip Cometh!

As tomorrow morning will probably be hectic with some quick packing and then getting on the road, just wanted to drop a post saying we decided to make a weekend trip to Nashville.

We'll be leaving sometime tomorrow morning and should be back sometime Sunday. I've got a few ideas for what we can do and see while we're there but for the most we'll be playing it by ear.

It will definitely be nice to finally get out of the house, away from my roomie's whiny boys, and heck, out of the familiarity of Knoxville.

Everything will be fresh and new and my eyes will be as large as a babe seeing things for the first time.

The only bad part about it is having to leave my puppy behind. The roomie will be taking care of her while we're gone but I'll miss her eyes and the way she sits up on her hind legs to look out the window for us. *Sigh* But this will be fun!

Be back in a few days!

I Salute You!

I salute you, Mr. Waffle House cook! For keeping up with the orders of every single patron in the building. Cooking eggs, frying patties, making waffles and crisping those endless piles of hashbrowns.

Seriously, I'm not a fan of Waffle House. But it's been kind of a tradition this year with the beau to head on over to the local one after we finish tearing down the sound systems and equipment for the football games.

For some reason, he seems to enjoy the sub-par foods but I'll give him his wanted rewards because he deserves it after working so hard throughout the day.

But I do have to give kudos to the cook who always seems to be there every Friday night after the game. It's just him keeping up the orders for 4-6 waitresses. There's no order slips or computer screens to remind him of what the orders are. He gets a verbal list, repeats in and then moves on his way. I swear, the boy multi-tasked these multiple item-orders like they were nothing.

When I was waiting tables at a local restaurant chain, there were 3 cooks doing the job this guy was.

I hope they're paying him decently because he was fun to watch; making omelettes, getting every fried egg correct, while still buttering the toast and dressing those burgers.

We need more hard workers like yourself making our food.

Operation: Day Trip

Here it is, my third official day on vacation and I haven't really done much other than go to the gym, catch up on television that I've been missing, played my games, and eat.

I'm getting really ansy to get out and do something, anything. Right now it isn't possible as the middle of the month has hit (like it does every 30 days or so) and we've finished paying our largest car payment and rent which leaves us with just about nil in extra cash until the beau's payday on Friday.

I think the beau has noticed this as well, because he surprised me during a phone call earlier. Since I'm the accountant, he asked me if I could look over our money for the next couple of weeks and see if we can afford to go out of town this weekend.

When he arrives home, I do this deed and see that it is entirely possibly we could make a small trip considering we don't go pimping or throwing bills outside our hotel room window.

I figure he had something planned when he mentioned it during our prior conversation, but true to his personality it was just a thought and so now everything is left up to me to decide.

Now, making a decision for myself is pretty darn easy but hoping it'll be something he cares to do as well usually ends up being a frustrating process. I usually end up making him tell me what things he's interested in and then make my choice from there.

So this leads me into trying to put together an idea of where I want to go, and what "I" would like to do while there.

We're constricting the trip to around a 4hr drive. Nashville and Atlanta are both good choices for a getaway. I just have to narrow it down.

I'm leaning toward Nashville as I've always been through the city and haven't actually experienced anything. So here's my question to you all. I'm going to be doing my research anyway, but I would like your feedback on where I should go and what I should do. I have a general idea of what I want so here we go, (also, right now I'm only assuming it's going to be a one day trip...but I'm going to push for an overnight):

1. I'm kinda interested in seeing Graceland (of course), but for those who've been there...is it worth the hype? Interesting stuff even for a person who isn't really big on Elvis, but can enjoy the estate for other reasons?

2. Historic or Noteworthy places of interest I might be able to see?

3. I always like to visit a mall in areas I visit...so what's the best mall to go to? I'm not partial on stumbling into malls or neighborhoods that are the wrong end of town. Hate feeling uncomfortable in areas I'm not familiar.

4. The gay nightlight. I definitely want to hit a club if I can convince the beau. Since it's going to be a one-night deal at the least I want to be sure I pick a fun experience. I can pull up lists of bars all day but I won't be able to know the crowds, atmosphere, parts of town, etc. It'll probably be a Saturday night and I'm good for two types of places. 1) A younger atmosphere type club. Pop-oriented dance music (light on r&b/hiphop), just a young fresh fun feel. 2) Friendly open-atmosphere pub type of bar. Sit down, have conversations and just lay back.

I appreciate any help and insight as I start my search for the beginnings of my mini vacation away.

Jason Wade

Like in my post discovering Milo Ventimiglia in the latest Fergie video, I rediscovered the band Lifehouse. Well, not "rediscovered" I guess considering I'm still very much aware of them through the radio and Itunes. But having the time to catch up on recent music videos DID re-introduce me to just how pretty the lead vocalist Jason Wade truly is.

Beautiful lips and eyes. Boyish face and and a nice lean build. Love his haircut too.

Here's the current single, "The First Time." Enjoy the great song and his beautiful self. I know I will be replaying it a few times.

Because I Can

Ahh Monday. For the first time, I can say that and not squirm in agony as the beginning of my work week would be beginning.

Sunday and today I looked very much like these guys above. They're the boys' kittens who are usually wreaking havoc throughout the house. But since the temperature has started to cool down to true fall numbers, we've been keeping the windows open to air out the house and provide a nice natural breeze.

It's amazing how much the hustle and bustle of everyday life makes you forget some of the better parts of life. 9 hours at work, around an hour at the gym, time spent eating, driving and doing chores throughout the day and that leaves maybe 5 or so hours of free time before having to be in bed at a reasonable time to start it all over again.

So my days usually end up being pretty systematic and predictable.

I got to do some things these first two days of vacation that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I'm the type of person that feels like in my free time I need to be working towards finishing things. Whether it be posting here, balancing our checkbooks or whatever. I felt like I had to get things done in my own personal time to make me feel like I'd done something useful in my life that wasn't work oriented. I like having a feeling of personal accomplishment so that I don't feel like I'm living just to work and pay bills.

I actually spent about three hours just laying and snuggling with my beau yesterday. It's been a long time since that's happened...usually only on weekend mornings when I happen to have a saturday or sunday off. That was a great feeling and I could have fell asleep at anytime. He puts off this body heat that is just impossible not to have to fight that feeling of warm drowsiness.

Then, today, I actually was able to take my puppy out to the backyard and just let her run and have a good time without a precursor of having her do her natural duties. She enjoyed that ever so much. She was zipping up and down the yard just for the heck of it. Just because she can.

And that's how I plan to spend this two weeks. Re-examining the good things that I have either missed out on or have lost sight. This will be good for me, and rejuvenating.

You know why? Because I can.

New do!

Friday night started the first steps into my much needed 2 week vacation.

I was supposed to go with the beau to his football team's first away game but it was rainy and muggy and I'm not a happy camper when I'm getting wet. I can take the heat, cold, snow...but put me in the rain and I will crumple up in a ball and waste away.

So I didn't go to the game and decided to hang out at the mall versus spending the evening with my roomie's two boys asking all kinds of insanely annoying questions to drive me mad.

I ended up deciding to get a haircut and color. Yeah, how gay can I be. It sounds even more gay now that I'm typing but hey, I had a good time so whatever, lol.

Well, to be more accurate, I came in for a haircut and got talked into a color and highlights. Yeah, even more points added to the gay meter.

There was a little salon that I used to frequent a while ago and decided to search it out. Later finding out that it had closed and was now replaced by a cigar/cigarette specialty shop.

As it was rainy and I didn't feel like getting out and driving around the city looking for another salon I knew about I decided to search around and see if there was any more salons I may want to consider while I was here. I found this one place, but they decided they were taking their last client at 630pm on a Saturday evening. That was a bit odd hearing since most places tend to want to stay open later to, you know, make money.

I found this modern little place hidden away. Had a great experience and the little gay boy that did my hair was adorable and very into his work. I decided I was open to options as long as I kept the basic length in my bangs. I'll definitely be back to him for my cuts. I haven't had a personal stylist in a long time, it'll be nice again.

So here it is. I'm enjoying it, very different and fun. You like?

Actually...Using...PTO...? Me?

You know what's great? Seeing my managers and co-workers squirm as they find out that I am finally taking my long overdue vacation time.

You see, my General Manager can take a week and a half off every three months and come back and not have missed a beat. Same for either one of her supporting managers. If my Logistics Supervisor or our other Moves Director goes on PTO, I'm there to pick up the slack and carry things along.

But when I'm ready to finally take my PTO, I have my hands in so many areas and run so many parts of the store that it's practically a wrench thrown into the gears. My GM looked at me today and was like..."two...weeks...". There was plans for me that I wasn't even aware of yet, that I'm kind of peeved me in ways. I've always had issues with communication and just throwing tasks at me.

You see, I basically coordinate the moves for 4 of the 6 departments, run the promotions and markdowns process, and take over for the other MC and LS when they can't be there (which is at least every monday since they both have college classes that day, on the BIGGEST shipment day of the week).

My GM was re-working the schedules to accomodate my absence when, after 2 months or so of this setup, she finally realized that all three of us are now absent on that day. I'm like .. yeah, you just now realize your supervisor and other MC are absent on that day.

I love her, but the store relies on me too much. Don't get me wrong, I love the responsibility. It gets me going in the morning. I have a reason to be there and know exactly what needs to get done on my ends. And heck, I don't mind getting the glory for just being me and having a good work ethic.

On the promotions/markdowns end of things I've also been regulated to train others in it. I've trained other managers and have had associates from new stores, such as the store I helped open, so that they would turn out to be another "me" in their store. That's their actual wordage, I'm not making that up. In fact, our outlet in Pigeon Forge is converting to a retail and I'm training two managers from the location tomorrow on our promotions system.

And technically I'm still just a full-time associate.

I'm making people sweat with the thought of my absence and hopefully that will help the powers-at-be help to eliminate that full-timer pay cap I'm currently at. But corporate works in funny ways.

During this much needed time-off I'm going to get started figuring out my game plan for Cosmetology School. Getting the final answer whether I can get financial aid and if not, how I plan to save the money to be able to do so.

Taking the PTO now will also help me accrue more vacation hours, as I've reached that limit. I'm real bad for not using vacation time. I just have a ton of responsibility and I hate putting off my departments to others to take care of in my absence, and then coming back to have to fix things.

That, and the beau and I never have enough extra cash to be able to get out and travel or have an actual vacation. What's the point of taking vacation time if you can't have an actual vacation. I so want to visit the beach or run up to Six Flags or something. *sigh*

Oh well, here's so I'll be able to gain more PTO. *cheers*

My 9/11

Just like many other bloggers out there, the 9/11 tragedy was a huge moment in our lives for various reasons. I too, feel like I should write about my feelings that day, since I've never done so and feel it will be good for me to put them down in the blog.

The morning the tragedy happened I remember so surreally. Probably the most eye-opening, bigger-than-I-am experience I've ever felt. I was working as a server for a popular breakfast restaurant chain at the time (you guessed it, for five years), and I was on the way to fill my lunchtime mid-shift.

I was listening to the radio and whatever song it was had finished, a news report followed soon after. Upon hearing about the hi-jackings, crashes, and the turmoil happening in New York...it became very clear to me that we could be at war. Not the war that I'm accustomed to hearing about overseas...in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iraq...but in our own homeland. That very real and very scary thought occured to me then. Co-workers were talking about walking out that day, wanting to spend the time with their families versus delivering eggs.

I no longer felt safe, and that my ideal of what life was could possibly change.

The imaginary wall that lived somewhere in my subconcious, which made everything within the United States immune to all the strife other countries battled with daily, disappated. We were no longer immune to the outside world. Someone finally took a stand against us (regardless of motives or rationale).

I feel for everyone who dealt with this tragedy in any remote way. Whether you lost a loved one, worked in the scene, or personally knew people involved. I was hundreds of miles away and safe as it turned out.

It be best Mr. Bush remember as well... and most importantly, learn from it.

Just Press Play

Boo. After the beau and I got home from our various dealings, we decided to watch our newest Netflix movie shipped to us: "Saved!" I've been wanting to see it for a while but never have picked it up but now due to the saving grace that is movies delivered to our mailbox I have no reason to miss out on all the movies I wanted to see in the past.

I pulled it out of it's wrapper, put it in the machine and waited eagerly for it to start.

"Check disk in tray..."

What...?

Pulled out the disc and there was a big crack in it. So sad. But thankfully Netflix is real good about damaged DVDs and stuff. Just reported the issue, requested a new copy and am going to mail off the broken one tomorrow.

Oh well, I can watch it soon enough. ^^ Now to try to get the beau to watch the QAF season 4 dvd we've been holding onto for a couple of months. Grr. I may just watch it without him. :P

What a weekend!

This weekend was such a whirlwind of events. Unusual in my world for the most part but the beau has recovered well from his back surgery and is back to doing some of the extracurriculars he enjoys. And since we haven't been out and actually done anything fun-wise in a while, this was quite the change.

Helped out with the beau's high school football team after I got off work. He basically runs all the speaker systems and upkeep of the electronics. I'm there to make sure he doesn't overstress his back again, but I've enjoyed coming out on the Friday home games and helping. And by gosh, I learned a little bit about football these five years doing it as well.

Saturday was all about getting on the lake. Because of the beau's back issues we haven't been able to utilize our boat as much this summer as we had liked to....well, we really haven't used it at all. So this was the perfect day to get it out of our systems. Come to think of it, I should've had the beau take a picture of me for the blog but I wasn't really thinking about it then.

I had a real good time even through the heat. I'm not a swimmer, so getting out in the lake isn't one of my first options. Well, it's not that I can't swim. I can. Took classes in it and can demonstrate different strokes. It's just that I don't float or tread water well at all. A lot of work for little, skinny me.

Even TJ went with us and she was totally excited to be out and about. She was more adventurous than previous times. Running up and down the boat and peering out the sides. Standing on edges and climbing up the windshield to reach the beau as he was piloting the boat.

She's too cute. When we'd get up to faster speeds and the winds would pick up, she'd run underneath the steering area to hide. She hates not being close to either of us, so while she's there she would stare longingly at us as if saying " I so want to be with you!"

The picture above is after the beau first got in the water and brought her in with him. As soon as she's in, she goes straight back for the boat. It was too cute! Every ounce went into getting back to the boat. We dried her off pretty well, but even when we started moving again she began to shake so the beau's mom (who came with us and helps us pay for the boat) covered her up in a towel.

Definitely a good weekend overall. One I'll remember for this year. ^^

Social Dichotomy

It's odd how my mind works at times. I've longed for ages for another gay guy to start working with me. I'm thinking, hey this is retail. There should be loads of gay bois breaking down the doors to work here. But apparently in this part of Knoxville (which is the higher end side), all the gay bois want to work the higher end stores.

But here in the last week or so, I've had two other gay folk join the troops. One an older gentleman who reminds me of the queens who make a living out of being at their respective bar. I don't know if this actually true about him though. I really haven't exchanged words with him and he probably thinks I'm stuck up or something. All I know is that he's a friend of our CS supervisor, and they go to the same church. Imagine that. He seems kinda nice, although he just FEELS like drama and tis why I really haven't said anything to him.

The second guy is a transfer in from the Cookeville store. He apparently just wanted a change, and up and moved here to Eastern Tennessee. I, of course, didn't find this out from him but from some co-workers who had discussed this him seconds before. The glory of gossip helped me in this time of need.

He's incredibly handsome, mid-twenty-ish, always smells fricken' good. He's the type of gay boi I would believe to be way out of my league. He seems well-grounded, self-assured, and assertive in that necessity kind of way...not the drama-tastic kinda way many of the gay folk revolve around.

So, like I said, my mind works in funny ways. Now that I have the option out there of talking to another gay guy at work, it's surprisingly harder for me to strike up conversation. It suddenly becomes this game (in my head) of, "do they like me?, do they hate me?"

In the case of the transfer-gay, I'm just purely intimidated and that's usual me. I also don't want to come off like I'm hitting on anyone (in the case of transfer guy) and ruin a possible friendship from the get-go. Or that I'm inviting someone to hit on me (cue older guy). I just tend to worry about things too much.

Transfer-boy and I shared a break together the other day and really we didn't speak the whole time. It was kind of tense.

Another co-worker was there, Chelsea, and she's this little red-head with a big southern personality and she broke the silence quite a bit as usual. I wanted to talk, to say hi or whatever, but I felt obligated to say something fun, witty, or .... important, y'know. If I couldn't come up with any of that, it was worthless. It's almost like playing the dating game. Or it feels like it.

So I really didn't say much of anything...at least to T-B. So sad.

With my straight co-workers I'm just myself and say what I want to say and am very personable. With my gay brethren, I feel like there's some kind of standard or responsibility I need to live up to. I guess, even at 29 years of age I still don't know how to converse with a member of my own sexuality without a bar, party or my home backdropped behind me.

I've alluded to my problems with social anxiety in the blog, but in this situation it's ever so prevelant. It's crazy, among my straight workers it's all business type relations to me and I can openly converse but once some other gay folk join me it suddenly becomes personal and hard for me work within that same scenario...when I really want to.

It'll get better. They're both only two weeks old in the job so I'm sure I'll warm up and find my comfort zone. It's just strange how things work like that.

I do know that I made a step with Transfer-boy though.

At the end of my last shift with him, I had clocked out and went to use the restroom before leaving. The restroom is in the fitting room area and that just so happens to be where T-B and another co-worker is. I do my business, and come back out to leave.

I give my usual comment of "See ya later kids!" to them.

He turns and says "Fine, just leave." in that playful kinda manner, smile on his face and all. I was kinda awestruck because I wasn't expecting it. I tried to formulate some kind of response but I couldn't make out any words. I really just mumbled something incoherent and went on.

I do feel like I can finally carry on a social conversation now that the "ice" has be broken...but it'll still be tough for me.

In the very least I've been trying to give non-verbal cues to them both to suggest a "hi," or a "how ya doing?" to help baby-step my way through this situation. It really is this tense for me. So crazy, and it shouldn't be.

Does anyone else have issues like this when dealing with other gay guys in a work setting? Here I was wishing for a kindred spirit to share with at my workspace and when I finally get a couple it becomes a bigger ordeal than if it were just my straight workers.

Grrr...

Tuesday Morn

Hey all!

Just a quick post before heading to work. I was gonna post last night after the gym but I came home with this huge headache. Well, big enough for me anyway since I rarely come down with any kind of ailment. Was pretty painful in the course of my history.

The beau finally mowed the lawn so it's nice and short. I forget how well-kept it can look once mowed. I'd do it on my own but the beau borrows a co-worker's mower and thus it's up to him to attain the necessary machinery.

Only a few more days till the first episode of "The Biggest Loser." Totally pumped for that!

Oops, time to head out. I'll try and post later tonight!

A Pleasant Surprise

After posting about "Land of Confusion" the other day I realized I haven't watched any recent videos in a long time. This sent me searching my Tivo programming to find some video programs to quench this new craving.

I decided to watch a set this morning and had a pleasant surprise waiting on me. These past months I've became very familiar with Fergie's song "Big Girls Don't Cry" and it really has became my favorite among her releases, but checking out the video made me giddy like a schoolgirl.



Milo Ventimiglia is starring opposite her in the video. This boi would be my husband if I had the opportunity pick anyone in this small world to share my life. You may remember him from the television series "Heroes", playing the central figure Peter Petrelli. I also heard he had a role on "Gilmore Girls" as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

The dark hair, the five-o'clock shadow, the way his eyebrow curls and his eyes twinkle. Love every curve and line on the boi. Yum and double yum.

He spends pretty much the whole video shirtless (with fake tattooing but I can deal with that) and I even get some nice closeup views of his nips as Fergie's singing a few lines from his chest. Mmmm.

I think this program is "Keep Until I Delete"

Here's the video if you guys wanna check it out.

Search Results

I just love the sampling of keywords that come upon my blog in cyberspace. Check out the last 10 searches:

08/30/07 20:18:31 bob harper shirtless (AOL)
08/30/07 19:00:23 biggest loser trainer, gay (Google)
08/29/07 21:58:42 What's Sabra doing (Google)
08/29/07 01:09:22 sytycd neil is gay (Google)
08/29/07 01:09:17 sytycd neil is gay (Google)
08/28/07 21:01:09 biggest loser my inspiration (Google)
08/28/07 16:57:46 is travis wall gay (Yahoo)
08/25/07 23:52:36 dudetube blogs (Google)
08/25/07 10:41:24 bodyspace (Google)
08/24/07 11:54:05 generic flip flops (Google)

And who would have thought that any of these would lead to me.

First Impressions

On my way to the gym today I decided to stop by my local GNC to look at some weight-gainer supplements. I've been 110lbs since high school and I've been trying in futility these past few months to get up to 120-125 in order to help foster more muscle growth. But even with all the healthy eating and extra calories, it's been like a rollercoaster of gaining 5lbs, then losing it. It's like my body has been actively rebelling against me.

Anyways, I told you that to set you up for this. While I was there, I was talking to the worker. I had never navigated this store and I had no idea where to start looking and he was showing me the various brands and giving his suggestions.

During this interaction, a guy I recognized from the gym stopped in.

He's probably mid to late 30s, maybe stretching into early 40s but I doubt it. He's a handsome guy with longer dirty blonde hair. He's got great muscle definition and size but he's not huge, it seems more of an athlete's build versus being big just to be big. And a great determination.

From what I gather of his training, I want to say he's a competitive fighter or something. He makes circuits doing standard exercises from one-legged pushups to crunches to various leg and arm machines. He then spends a lot of time with the punching bag perfecting his punches and kicks, and then works one of those large situp balls like it was a wrestling opponent. Working around it, faking grabs and maintaining balance (at least what I can discern).

His actual purpose of this uncommon training (I use "uncommon" because it really is different from any of the training I've seen everyone else, including me, doing), I have not a clue but I've often imagined myself going up and asking him.

I always rule it out though because, just like the socially anxious person I am, I worry that every other person has probably interrupted his training to ask him the same thing and by the time I get to him it's annoying and I'd have peeved him off. Or that when I come up to ask him, he'll recognize my gay-voice (if there's such a thing) and think that I'm trying to hit on him or taint his image by being seen with a gay guy.

Btw these are just the versions of scenarios that play in my head and I've never gotten anything from his personality that would indicate he would react in that way.

But as I am sitting at one of the many ab benches, I have a great view of him working that punching bag and think these thoughts.

Back to today, I'm there at the GNC and fighter-guy walks in. The worker turns to him and obviously recognizes him. They exchange a couple of words, apparently fighter-guy is waiting on something to come in and was making sure that it was a few more days. It was confirmed, and he turned to leave.

I see him leave the store, I turn my head back and then turn to look at him again on the sidewalk and I see something that surprises me. I don't know why it surprised me but it did.

He had taken the hand of a little girl (presumably his daughter) and was escorting her across the parking lot. In the real world this wouldn't have seemed so odd, but only seeing him within the confines of the gym had biased my image.

I don't know why this revelation was so surprising. Is it because I saw him as strictly an athlete/fighter/wrestler and that having a family and playing father was out-of-character for the image I wanted him to have?

Will this make him seem more approachable to me now that i've seen a presumably softer side? I still am very curious as to why he trains so hard.

I doubt the last will ever happen, but it at least gives me more depth as to the person he is. Being a family man tells me that he has others to support and probably has a day job as well. Keeping himself in shape, trained, partaking in whatever he trains for, and still keeping a family together is hard work. And if my assumptions are right, he accomplishes it with a smile on his face.

It really shows that you need to constantly evaluate your views on people you may or may not know because you could be lacking in some critical information. Judging people on limited information could possibly hinder getting to know people for who they really are versus the image you've put together in your head.

Do we really have the people around us figured out? Or are we just telling ourselves that?

As I left the gym later today (earlier than my usual routine considering I was off today), I was pulling out of the parking lot and noticed him with his gym bag walking toward the entrance to start his training. It made me wish I had waited till later to work out.

"Land of Confusion"

I have to thank one of my co-workers in part for this post because a conversation we had really inspired it.

It was our last shipment day of the week today, and there were a number of us in the backroom getting items ready to head out onto the floor. We had the radio on the local top40 station and during the lunch hours they play 80s music.

Genesis' "Land of Confusion" came on and my co-worker Andrea began discussing the song. It came out in 1986, so that made me 8 years old when the video was released. I guess that means I caught the video on MTV at some later time because I just can't see myself watching and retaining the experience for that long.

But I remember watching the video and it scared the crap out of me. Not in a boo/horror flick kind of way, but more of a "what-the-hell/nightmare-after-too-much-to-eat" way. The imagery just stuck in my head for years.

I remember the scariest part for me was the Ronald Reagan puppet thing. The ratty hair, wrinkled creases and that image of him coming up out of the water scared me to no end.

Andrea said the creepiest part for her was this little rat thing that showed up during the video. Viewing it again after all these years I found the rat she was talking about was during the "stone-age" scene. But the conversation turned into this big, drawn out thing with us trying to remember what exactly it was that made us feel that way.

Watching it another time really showed me I had reason to feel creeped out. Even today, the video sends chills up my spine. Maybe some of the new thrill/horror directors should take some notes.

Here it is , and be warned. *shivers in malcontent*