Not Who I Want to Be

Here I am, a full day back from our weekend trip to Nashville. I wil get to telling you about it probably tomorrow. We had a great time and will definitely be making another trip or two back in the near future.

I just feel ultimately drawn to write about change. I feel like I need to change. My life needs to change. Like who and what I am, is dwindling away because of the life I lead.

Everything in my being keeps telling me to leave my relationship, my job, this city, my comfort zone. It's very obvious to myself that my life has come to a virtual standstill and that's literally because I have a whole list of what I would like to do...but since leaving school years ago I haven't really gave myself a thorough to do list for myself. I've taken what's come at me and I haven't really followed through on anything that I really want to do.

I have a history of starting things and not following through and/or being offered opportunities and turning them down/setting them aside because of my insecurities.

I don't like who I am or the life I'm leading.

The remedy to this is to ask myself..."what do I want?...what do I want to do with my life?"

...and I don't know.

I could more easily answer what I wish I had followed up on or changed in my life decisions.

Part of me wishes I weren't gay so that I could follow up on my JROTC training and made a living with the Air Force. The only thing keeping me from not making a living out of the military was my sexuality.

I wish I hadn't given in to stupid college pranks and crap when I went to university for the first time. I could've starred in a number of theatrical productions there and built upon my want for an acting career. I was offered these roles and turned them down to come back closer to home. My college prospects slowly dwindled away from there.

I've just screwed myself over in so many ways. All because I'm so indecisive about what I want. Well, I know what I want...I just don't have a BURNING for something. There's not that fire that burns within me for anything anymore. Well, that's not true, there is a yearning but not a fight. I'm tired of obstacles, tests, and years of useless classes to do anything pertinent.

I want a better life for myself...something I can be proud of and not be ashamed.

I apologize for this ramble. I'm a tad sloshed and really felt like I needed to write this. When I look at it in the morning I'll probably think, "what the?" or I may just expound on some things.

I'm just not happy where I am. The clear answer is change, but change is so hard for me.

Fine.

Promise to myself. Starting tomorrow, I'm putting together a plan for me AND following through with it. I can't just sit and complain forever and never do anything about it. I'll never be happy.

Thanks for listening.

The Day-Trip Cometh!

As tomorrow morning will probably be hectic with some quick packing and then getting on the road, just wanted to drop a post saying we decided to make a weekend trip to Nashville.

We'll be leaving sometime tomorrow morning and should be back sometime Sunday. I've got a few ideas for what we can do and see while we're there but for the most we'll be playing it by ear.

It will definitely be nice to finally get out of the house, away from my roomie's whiny boys, and heck, out of the familiarity of Knoxville.

Everything will be fresh and new and my eyes will be as large as a babe seeing things for the first time.

The only bad part about it is having to leave my puppy behind. The roomie will be taking care of her while we're gone but I'll miss her eyes and the way she sits up on her hind legs to look out the window for us. *Sigh* But this will be fun!

Be back in a few days!

I Salute You!

I salute you, Mr. Waffle House cook! For keeping up with the orders of every single patron in the building. Cooking eggs, frying patties, making waffles and crisping those endless piles of hashbrowns.

Seriously, I'm not a fan of Waffle House. But it's been kind of a tradition this year with the beau to head on over to the local one after we finish tearing down the sound systems and equipment for the football games.

For some reason, he seems to enjoy the sub-par foods but I'll give him his wanted rewards because he deserves it after working so hard throughout the day.

But I do have to give kudos to the cook who always seems to be there every Friday night after the game. It's just him keeping up the orders for 4-6 waitresses. There's no order slips or computer screens to remind him of what the orders are. He gets a verbal list, repeats in and then moves on his way. I swear, the boy multi-tasked these multiple item-orders like they were nothing.

When I was waiting tables at a local restaurant chain, there were 3 cooks doing the job this guy was.

I hope they're paying him decently because he was fun to watch; making omelettes, getting every fried egg correct, while still buttering the toast and dressing those burgers.

We need more hard workers like yourself making our food.

Operation: Day Trip

Here it is, my third official day on vacation and I haven't really done much other than go to the gym, catch up on television that I've been missing, played my games, and eat.

I'm getting really ansy to get out and do something, anything. Right now it isn't possible as the middle of the month has hit (like it does every 30 days or so) and we've finished paying our largest car payment and rent which leaves us with just about nil in extra cash until the beau's payday on Friday.

I think the beau has noticed this as well, because he surprised me during a phone call earlier. Since I'm the accountant, he asked me if I could look over our money for the next couple of weeks and see if we can afford to go out of town this weekend.

When he arrives home, I do this deed and see that it is entirely possibly we could make a small trip considering we don't go pimping or throwing bills outside our hotel room window.

I figure he had something planned when he mentioned it during our prior conversation, but true to his personality it was just a thought and so now everything is left up to me to decide.

Now, making a decision for myself is pretty darn easy but hoping it'll be something he cares to do as well usually ends up being a frustrating process. I usually end up making him tell me what things he's interested in and then make my choice from there.

So this leads me into trying to put together an idea of where I want to go, and what "I" would like to do while there.

We're constricting the trip to around a 4hr drive. Nashville and Atlanta are both good choices for a getaway. I just have to narrow it down.

I'm leaning toward Nashville as I've always been through the city and haven't actually experienced anything. So here's my question to you all. I'm going to be doing my research anyway, but I would like your feedback on where I should go and what I should do. I have a general idea of what I want so here we go, (also, right now I'm only assuming it's going to be a one day trip...but I'm going to push for an overnight):

1. I'm kinda interested in seeing Graceland (of course), but for those who've been there...is it worth the hype? Interesting stuff even for a person who isn't really big on Elvis, but can enjoy the estate for other reasons?

2. Historic or Noteworthy places of interest I might be able to see?

3. I always like to visit a mall in areas I visit...so what's the best mall to go to? I'm not partial on stumbling into malls or neighborhoods that are the wrong end of town. Hate feeling uncomfortable in areas I'm not familiar.

4. The gay nightlight. I definitely want to hit a club if I can convince the beau. Since it's going to be a one-night deal at the least I want to be sure I pick a fun experience. I can pull up lists of bars all day but I won't be able to know the crowds, atmosphere, parts of town, etc. It'll probably be a Saturday night and I'm good for two types of places. 1) A younger atmosphere type club. Pop-oriented dance music (light on r&b/hiphop), just a young fresh fun feel. 2) Friendly open-atmosphere pub type of bar. Sit down, have conversations and just lay back.

I appreciate any help and insight as I start my search for the beginnings of my mini vacation away.

Jason Wade

Like in my post discovering Milo Ventimiglia in the latest Fergie video, I rediscovered the band Lifehouse. Well, not "rediscovered" I guess considering I'm still very much aware of them through the radio and Itunes. But having the time to catch up on recent music videos DID re-introduce me to just how pretty the lead vocalist Jason Wade truly is.

Beautiful lips and eyes. Boyish face and and a nice lean build. Love his haircut too.

Here's the current single, "The First Time." Enjoy the great song and his beautiful self. I know I will be replaying it a few times.

Because I Can

Ahh Monday. For the first time, I can say that and not squirm in agony as the beginning of my work week would be beginning.

Sunday and today I looked very much like these guys above. They're the boys' kittens who are usually wreaking havoc throughout the house. But since the temperature has started to cool down to true fall numbers, we've been keeping the windows open to air out the house and provide a nice natural breeze.

It's amazing how much the hustle and bustle of everyday life makes you forget some of the better parts of life. 9 hours at work, around an hour at the gym, time spent eating, driving and doing chores throughout the day and that leaves maybe 5 or so hours of free time before having to be in bed at a reasonable time to start it all over again.

So my days usually end up being pretty systematic and predictable.

I got to do some things these first two days of vacation that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I'm the type of person that feels like in my free time I need to be working towards finishing things. Whether it be posting here, balancing our checkbooks or whatever. I felt like I had to get things done in my own personal time to make me feel like I'd done something useful in my life that wasn't work oriented. I like having a feeling of personal accomplishment so that I don't feel like I'm living just to work and pay bills.

I actually spent about three hours just laying and snuggling with my beau yesterday. It's been a long time since that's happened...usually only on weekend mornings when I happen to have a saturday or sunday off. That was a great feeling and I could have fell asleep at anytime. He puts off this body heat that is just impossible not to have to fight that feeling of warm drowsiness.

Then, today, I actually was able to take my puppy out to the backyard and just let her run and have a good time without a precursor of having her do her natural duties. She enjoyed that ever so much. She was zipping up and down the yard just for the heck of it. Just because she can.

And that's how I plan to spend this two weeks. Re-examining the good things that I have either missed out on or have lost sight. This will be good for me, and rejuvenating.

You know why? Because I can.

New do!

Friday night started the first steps into my much needed 2 week vacation.

I was supposed to go with the beau to his football team's first away game but it was rainy and muggy and I'm not a happy camper when I'm getting wet. I can take the heat, cold, snow...but put me in the rain and I will crumple up in a ball and waste away.

So I didn't go to the game and decided to hang out at the mall versus spending the evening with my roomie's two boys asking all kinds of insanely annoying questions to drive me mad.

I ended up deciding to get a haircut and color. Yeah, how gay can I be. It sounds even more gay now that I'm typing but hey, I had a good time so whatever, lol.

Well, to be more accurate, I came in for a haircut and got talked into a color and highlights. Yeah, even more points added to the gay meter.

There was a little salon that I used to frequent a while ago and decided to search it out. Later finding out that it had closed and was now replaced by a cigar/cigarette specialty shop.

As it was rainy and I didn't feel like getting out and driving around the city looking for another salon I knew about I decided to search around and see if there was any more salons I may want to consider while I was here. I found this one place, but they decided they were taking their last client at 630pm on a Saturday evening. That was a bit odd hearing since most places tend to want to stay open later to, you know, make money.

I found this modern little place hidden away. Had a great experience and the little gay boy that did my hair was adorable and very into his work. I decided I was open to options as long as I kept the basic length in my bangs. I'll definitely be back to him for my cuts. I haven't had a personal stylist in a long time, it'll be nice again.

So here it is. I'm enjoying it, very different and fun. You like?

Actually...Using...PTO...? Me?

You know what's great? Seeing my managers and co-workers squirm as they find out that I am finally taking my long overdue vacation time.

You see, my General Manager can take a week and a half off every three months and come back and not have missed a beat. Same for either one of her supporting managers. If my Logistics Supervisor or our other Moves Director goes on PTO, I'm there to pick up the slack and carry things along.

But when I'm ready to finally take my PTO, I have my hands in so many areas and run so many parts of the store that it's practically a wrench thrown into the gears. My GM looked at me today and was like..."two...weeks...". There was plans for me that I wasn't even aware of yet, that I'm kind of peeved me in ways. I've always had issues with communication and just throwing tasks at me.

You see, I basically coordinate the moves for 4 of the 6 departments, run the promotions and markdowns process, and take over for the other MC and LS when they can't be there (which is at least every monday since they both have college classes that day, on the BIGGEST shipment day of the week).

My GM was re-working the schedules to accomodate my absence when, after 2 months or so of this setup, she finally realized that all three of us are now absent on that day. I'm like .. yeah, you just now realize your supervisor and other MC are absent on that day.

I love her, but the store relies on me too much. Don't get me wrong, I love the responsibility. It gets me going in the morning. I have a reason to be there and know exactly what needs to get done on my ends. And heck, I don't mind getting the glory for just being me and having a good work ethic.

On the promotions/markdowns end of things I've also been regulated to train others in it. I've trained other managers and have had associates from new stores, such as the store I helped open, so that they would turn out to be another "me" in their store. That's their actual wordage, I'm not making that up. In fact, our outlet in Pigeon Forge is converting to a retail and I'm training two managers from the location tomorrow on our promotions system.

And technically I'm still just a full-time associate.

I'm making people sweat with the thought of my absence and hopefully that will help the powers-at-be help to eliminate that full-timer pay cap I'm currently at. But corporate works in funny ways.

During this much needed time-off I'm going to get started figuring out my game plan for Cosmetology School. Getting the final answer whether I can get financial aid and if not, how I plan to save the money to be able to do so.

Taking the PTO now will also help me accrue more vacation hours, as I've reached that limit. I'm real bad for not using vacation time. I just have a ton of responsibility and I hate putting off my departments to others to take care of in my absence, and then coming back to have to fix things.

That, and the beau and I never have enough extra cash to be able to get out and travel or have an actual vacation. What's the point of taking vacation time if you can't have an actual vacation. I so want to visit the beach or run up to Six Flags or something. *sigh*

Oh well, here's so I'll be able to gain more PTO. *cheers*

My 9/11

Just like many other bloggers out there, the 9/11 tragedy was a huge moment in our lives for various reasons. I too, feel like I should write about my feelings that day, since I've never done so and feel it will be good for me to put them down in the blog.

The morning the tragedy happened I remember so surreally. Probably the most eye-opening, bigger-than-I-am experience I've ever felt. I was working as a server for a popular breakfast restaurant chain at the time (you guessed it, for five years), and I was on the way to fill my lunchtime mid-shift.

I was listening to the radio and whatever song it was had finished, a news report followed soon after. Upon hearing about the hi-jackings, crashes, and the turmoil happening in New York...it became very clear to me that we could be at war. Not the war that I'm accustomed to hearing about overseas...in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iraq...but in our own homeland. That very real and very scary thought occured to me then. Co-workers were talking about walking out that day, wanting to spend the time with their families versus delivering eggs.

I no longer felt safe, and that my ideal of what life was could possibly change.

The imaginary wall that lived somewhere in my subconcious, which made everything within the United States immune to all the strife other countries battled with daily, disappated. We were no longer immune to the outside world. Someone finally took a stand against us (regardless of motives or rationale).

I feel for everyone who dealt with this tragedy in any remote way. Whether you lost a loved one, worked in the scene, or personally knew people involved. I was hundreds of miles away and safe as it turned out.

It be best Mr. Bush remember as well... and most importantly, learn from it.

Just Press Play

Boo. After the beau and I got home from our various dealings, we decided to watch our newest Netflix movie shipped to us: "Saved!" I've been wanting to see it for a while but never have picked it up but now due to the saving grace that is movies delivered to our mailbox I have no reason to miss out on all the movies I wanted to see in the past.

I pulled it out of it's wrapper, put it in the machine and waited eagerly for it to start.

"Check disk in tray..."

What...?

Pulled out the disc and there was a big crack in it. So sad. But thankfully Netflix is real good about damaged DVDs and stuff. Just reported the issue, requested a new copy and am going to mail off the broken one tomorrow.

Oh well, I can watch it soon enough. ^^ Now to try to get the beau to watch the QAF season 4 dvd we've been holding onto for a couple of months. Grr. I may just watch it without him. :P

What a weekend!

This weekend was such a whirlwind of events. Unusual in my world for the most part but the beau has recovered well from his back surgery and is back to doing some of the extracurriculars he enjoys. And since we haven't been out and actually done anything fun-wise in a while, this was quite the change.

Helped out with the beau's high school football team after I got off work. He basically runs all the speaker systems and upkeep of the electronics. I'm there to make sure he doesn't overstress his back again, but I've enjoyed coming out on the Friday home games and helping. And by gosh, I learned a little bit about football these five years doing it as well.

Saturday was all about getting on the lake. Because of the beau's back issues we haven't been able to utilize our boat as much this summer as we had liked to....well, we really haven't used it at all. So this was the perfect day to get it out of our systems. Come to think of it, I should've had the beau take a picture of me for the blog but I wasn't really thinking about it then.

I had a real good time even through the heat. I'm not a swimmer, so getting out in the lake isn't one of my first options. Well, it's not that I can't swim. I can. Took classes in it and can demonstrate different strokes. It's just that I don't float or tread water well at all. A lot of work for little, skinny me.

Even TJ went with us and she was totally excited to be out and about. She was more adventurous than previous times. Running up and down the boat and peering out the sides. Standing on edges and climbing up the windshield to reach the beau as he was piloting the boat.

She's too cute. When we'd get up to faster speeds and the winds would pick up, she'd run underneath the steering area to hide. She hates not being close to either of us, so while she's there she would stare longingly at us as if saying " I so want to be with you!"

The picture above is after the beau first got in the water and brought her in with him. As soon as she's in, she goes straight back for the boat. It was too cute! Every ounce went into getting back to the boat. We dried her off pretty well, but even when we started moving again she began to shake so the beau's mom (who came with us and helps us pay for the boat) covered her up in a towel.

Definitely a good weekend overall. One I'll remember for this year. ^^

Social Dichotomy

It's odd how my mind works at times. I've longed for ages for another gay guy to start working with me. I'm thinking, hey this is retail. There should be loads of gay bois breaking down the doors to work here. But apparently in this part of Knoxville (which is the higher end side), all the gay bois want to work the higher end stores.

But here in the last week or so, I've had two other gay folk join the troops. One an older gentleman who reminds me of the queens who make a living out of being at their respective bar. I don't know if this actually true about him though. I really haven't exchanged words with him and he probably thinks I'm stuck up or something. All I know is that he's a friend of our CS supervisor, and they go to the same church. Imagine that. He seems kinda nice, although he just FEELS like drama and tis why I really haven't said anything to him.

The second guy is a transfer in from the Cookeville store. He apparently just wanted a change, and up and moved here to Eastern Tennessee. I, of course, didn't find this out from him but from some co-workers who had discussed this him seconds before. The glory of gossip helped me in this time of need.

He's incredibly handsome, mid-twenty-ish, always smells fricken' good. He's the type of gay boi I would believe to be way out of my league. He seems well-grounded, self-assured, and assertive in that necessity kind of way...not the drama-tastic kinda way many of the gay folk revolve around.

So, like I said, my mind works in funny ways. Now that I have the option out there of talking to another gay guy at work, it's surprisingly harder for me to strike up conversation. It suddenly becomes this game (in my head) of, "do they like me?, do they hate me?"

In the case of the transfer-gay, I'm just purely intimidated and that's usual me. I also don't want to come off like I'm hitting on anyone (in the case of transfer guy) and ruin a possible friendship from the get-go. Or that I'm inviting someone to hit on me (cue older guy). I just tend to worry about things too much.

Transfer-boy and I shared a break together the other day and really we didn't speak the whole time. It was kind of tense.

Another co-worker was there, Chelsea, and she's this little red-head with a big southern personality and she broke the silence quite a bit as usual. I wanted to talk, to say hi or whatever, but I felt obligated to say something fun, witty, or .... important, y'know. If I couldn't come up with any of that, it was worthless. It's almost like playing the dating game. Or it feels like it.

So I really didn't say much of anything...at least to T-B. So sad.

With my straight co-workers I'm just myself and say what I want to say and am very personable. With my gay brethren, I feel like there's some kind of standard or responsibility I need to live up to. I guess, even at 29 years of age I still don't know how to converse with a member of my own sexuality without a bar, party or my home backdropped behind me.

I've alluded to my problems with social anxiety in the blog, but in this situation it's ever so prevelant. It's crazy, among my straight workers it's all business type relations to me and I can openly converse but once some other gay folk join me it suddenly becomes personal and hard for me work within that same scenario...when I really want to.

It'll get better. They're both only two weeks old in the job so I'm sure I'll warm up and find my comfort zone. It's just strange how things work like that.

I do know that I made a step with Transfer-boy though.

At the end of my last shift with him, I had clocked out and went to use the restroom before leaving. The restroom is in the fitting room area and that just so happens to be where T-B and another co-worker is. I do my business, and come back out to leave.

I give my usual comment of "See ya later kids!" to them.

He turns and says "Fine, just leave." in that playful kinda manner, smile on his face and all. I was kinda awestruck because I wasn't expecting it. I tried to formulate some kind of response but I couldn't make out any words. I really just mumbled something incoherent and went on.

I do feel like I can finally carry on a social conversation now that the "ice" has be broken...but it'll still be tough for me.

In the very least I've been trying to give non-verbal cues to them both to suggest a "hi," or a "how ya doing?" to help baby-step my way through this situation. It really is this tense for me. So crazy, and it shouldn't be.

Does anyone else have issues like this when dealing with other gay guys in a work setting? Here I was wishing for a kindred spirit to share with at my workspace and when I finally get a couple it becomes a bigger ordeal than if it were just my straight workers.

Grrr...

Tuesday Morn

Hey all!

Just a quick post before heading to work. I was gonna post last night after the gym but I came home with this huge headache. Well, big enough for me anyway since I rarely come down with any kind of ailment. Was pretty painful in the course of my history.

The beau finally mowed the lawn so it's nice and short. I forget how well-kept it can look once mowed. I'd do it on my own but the beau borrows a co-worker's mower and thus it's up to him to attain the necessary machinery.

Only a few more days till the first episode of "The Biggest Loser." Totally pumped for that!

Oops, time to head out. I'll try and post later tonight!

A Pleasant Surprise

After posting about "Land of Confusion" the other day I realized I haven't watched any recent videos in a long time. This sent me searching my Tivo programming to find some video programs to quench this new craving.

I decided to watch a set this morning and had a pleasant surprise waiting on me. These past months I've became very familiar with Fergie's song "Big Girls Don't Cry" and it really has became my favorite among her releases, but checking out the video made me giddy like a schoolgirl.



Milo Ventimiglia is starring opposite her in the video. This boi would be my husband if I had the opportunity pick anyone in this small world to share my life. You may remember him from the television series "Heroes", playing the central figure Peter Petrelli. I also heard he had a role on "Gilmore Girls" as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

The dark hair, the five-o'clock shadow, the way his eyebrow curls and his eyes twinkle. Love every curve and line on the boi. Yum and double yum.

He spends pretty much the whole video shirtless (with fake tattooing but I can deal with that) and I even get some nice closeup views of his nips as Fergie's singing a few lines from his chest. Mmmm.

I think this program is "Keep Until I Delete"

Here's the video if you guys wanna check it out.