Not Who I Want to Be

Here I am, a full day back from our weekend trip to Nashville. I wil get to telling you about it probably tomorrow. We had a great time and will definitely be making another trip or two back in the near future.

I just feel ultimately drawn to write about change. I feel like I need to change. My life needs to change. Like who and what I am, is dwindling away because of the life I lead.

Everything in my being keeps telling me to leave my relationship, my job, this city, my comfort zone. It's very obvious to myself that my life has come to a virtual standstill and that's literally because I have a whole list of what I would like to do...but since leaving school years ago I haven't really gave myself a thorough to do list for myself. I've taken what's come at me and I haven't really followed through on anything that I really want to do.

I have a history of starting things and not following through and/or being offered opportunities and turning them down/setting them aside because of my insecurities.

I don't like who I am or the life I'm leading.

The remedy to this is to ask myself..."what do I want?...what do I want to do with my life?"

...and I don't know.

I could more easily answer what I wish I had followed up on or changed in my life decisions.

Part of me wishes I weren't gay so that I could follow up on my JROTC training and made a living with the Air Force. The only thing keeping me from not making a living out of the military was my sexuality.

I wish I hadn't given in to stupid college pranks and crap when I went to university for the first time. I could've starred in a number of theatrical productions there and built upon my want for an acting career. I was offered these roles and turned them down to come back closer to home. My college prospects slowly dwindled away from there.

I've just screwed myself over in so many ways. All because I'm so indecisive about what I want. Well, I know what I want...I just don't have a BURNING for something. There's not that fire that burns within me for anything anymore. Well, that's not true, there is a yearning but not a fight. I'm tired of obstacles, tests, and years of useless classes to do anything pertinent.

I want a better life for myself...something I can be proud of and not be ashamed.

I apologize for this ramble. I'm a tad sloshed and really felt like I needed to write this. When I look at it in the morning I'll probably think, "what the?" or I may just expound on some things.

I'm just not happy where I am. The clear answer is change, but change is so hard for me.

Fine.

Promise to myself. Starting tomorrow, I'm putting together a plan for me AND following through with it. I can't just sit and complain forever and never do anything about it. I'll never be happy.

Thanks for listening.