Monday, July 30, 2007

Clearing the Airwaves

I do want to apologize for the night before...I was a little dramatical (I swear it takes a LOT for me to get that way). But everything I said still stands today, just maybe with not as much emphasis as last night.

I do have to say that maybe letting out all that built up angst was a good thing. To my surprise this morning, Russ got out of bed early...got dressed...and went to work...even in his pre-operation condition. He managed to have a heart to heart with his boss, and it was an eye-opener for himself. He finally vocalized that he was probably taking advantage of his current state. And that he needs to continue to come to work now not only for his own mental state, money, etc...but for me too.

So maybe putting this energy into the air helped...but I'm gonna give this to him in any case...because at the end of the day (well start actually) HE did it.

The glow to his eye has returned, his dimples have returned. He's tired, but he's really glad he went in and optimistic. Kind of a rebirth of sorts. Maybe...if it lasts (but I'll remain optimistic as usual).

Maybe there is some hope...?

Btw His boss did have a check ready for him but was holding it. He was wanting the beau to come to him, not just pick up during the weekend and make a quick escape. Very shrewd, but I'm thankful for that. VERY thankful. Because with this check and his return to work, it means none of the financial hell we were planning on. *crossing fingers*

Russ also made progress in getting his surgery scheduled. Talked to folks to get his authorization faxed to his main surgery doctor for the okay. So just waiting on the reply and then a clear date.

SYTYCD Thusday- A Little Late

I would've posted this a lot earlier but when it came time to put up my favorite dance of the week I noticed that for some reason Explorer wasn't loading the YouTube page at all. It would keep trying and come up dry.

I figured it was an error on their end and kept trying every day since with the same results. I'd also noticed that anyone posting a Youtube video didn't show up on my screen as well and kept looking for comments about videos not working, but got no such luck.

Finally today I figured something was wrong on my end. I decided to try it on the main computer in the bedroom (my comp is a small little setup here in the living room, not a whole lot of space on it) and could pull up YouTube fine. But when I tried to access blogger, the login screen kept reloading and reloading and reloading. I thought, "Well, crap." I trade one site for the other. The security on the main comp is so high for some reason it wasn't letting me load Blogger and the beau wasn't going to change that (even if he wasn't sure what it was McAfee that was causing it). But I did come across something that gave me a bit more information.

An info page on why I may not be able to load YouTube (i'm not exactly sure how I came across it) saying something about resetting your cache, or cookies or something... or you could download Firefox.

I've heard from tons of different sources that Firefox is a much better browser and so instead of trying to sort through all this Microsoft stuff, I get back on my comp and install Firefox.

Surprisingly, I could pull up the site and I found out the issue. A week ago, I convinced the beau to install a second hardrive into my comp and during the whole process he tried to defragment my main drive. Well, it's a relatively small one and XP pretty much takes up the whole space (and you need x amount of space available to defragment any given drive) and he was deleting things, and in the process he deleted FlashPlayer...and that was why I couldn't see YouTube.

So long story short, I got Flash back, am using Firefox and here's my favorite dance from last weeks episode of "So You Think You Can Dance"

Neil and Sara (newly partnered) performing a Disco routine to the song "Knock on Wood". It was an instant hit with me just for the song. The movie "54" with Ryan Phillipe and Mike Myers made that song a favorite of mine. So here it is:



Just as an added bonus since I have my Youtube capabilities back here's another favorite dance of mine from weeks prior. Once again, Neil and his former partner Lauren performing a Wade Robson Jazz Routine. Fricken awesome.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Stability is All I Ask

Well, if all the obstacles I was facing wasn't enough already. Another big monkey-wrench has been thrown into the gears.

I've let you all know about my beau's lack of responsibility and urgency considering finishing the prequisites so that he can have his back surgery. it's been well over 3months and he really is nowhere closer to it being done than before.

He felt comfortable doing that because despite him not being at work, he was still drawing a paycheck due to vacation and sick time. He made the trip to get his check and the time I've been warning him about for the last month has come. He doesn't have a paycheck.

We've had discussion upon discussion about this in the last month. I just knew that it wasn't going to last and that he needs to get on the ball to get things done so that we can live our life and keep his job security.

So with no paycheck for him, that cuts about 65% of our income and puts us in the poorhouse. I do get paid this week but it's not enough to cover us. He says it is, but I'm the bookkeeper and I know how he consumes, not to mention the bills we have.

What's worse is that he doesn't see this as an obstacle, he's just going to turn in the two cars and cancel the boat slip, and blah blah. But knowing him he's just going to sit on the couch and do nothing about his situation, just like he has been this past 3 months.

He hasn't even apologized to me considering this is my life too and how I saw this coming and tried to prevent this by attempting to push him to get his stuff done and over with. Not a word.

If he was doing all he could to get things done and this happened in the meantime, I would see this situation in a totally different light. But it didn't, he's where he is right now because that's where he wants to be. At home, watching porn and John Wayne and doing absolutely nothing.

We're eating Ramen until my payday and all he can think about is he doesn't have any cigarettes. His answer to this obstacle is to get rid of HIS things (the cars and boat deal are his things, not mine so not that big of a hit for me) instead of realizing the obvious choice of getting his butt in gear and changing his situation. I even tried steering him toward that conclusion like I have again and again and it was taken lightly...just a "yeah."

I really am over it now. I even started to dabble around looking for possible roommate situations for myself. I just can't do this anymore.

My love for the man is gone now. All that is left is a shell of the man I loved and once considered my personal hero. A no-nonsense go-getter who loved me is no longer.

And don't get me wrong, if you're a new reader this isn't all about the money. Really it's a small thing, we were always scraping by to begin with...but we were making it and we were happy.

It's just that my cares, wants, needs are no longer being filled. He's made it very obvious the kind of life he's wanting to proceed with and I need stability. Both relationship-wise and financially.

At one time there was both. Then the relationship became rocky, we were still alright financially and working on the former. Now both is gone, and he doesn't seem to care.

I've got some thinking to do, and I need to make sure where my priorities lie. Whether I want to keep trying to salvage this or if it's truly all downhill from here.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Bringing out my Inner Geekness..


After not touching my television in a few days, I turned it on and found that I had set my Tivo to record "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" and had quite a mini-marathon of episodes. I'd totally forgotten about the SciFi channel show and wasn't sure how well I'd enjoy it.

So I watched about 5 episodes of the first season marathon and I have to say as I watched them through to the finish it rekindled my love for the comics I grew up on. I can't ever say I lost my love for them it's just that whenever I started seeing the beau and then living together as a couple...financially sacrifices had to be made, and the local trip to comic shop was one of those things that ended up on the chopping block (yes, I was still reading and enjoying well into my 20s). Ironically, the gym membership was another thing but it finally made it's way back into my life.

In my first About Me post I made mention of a number of boxes being stored in my closet containing my entire collection of comics. For years upon years I eagerly read and collected my favorite comics. With Marvel being my favorite publisher, it lead me to the grand world of the Xmen, Xfactor, Xforce, Excalibur, Generation X (can you see a trend here?) and many others.


Like my list above shows I was instantly drawn into the Xmen series and it's many off-shoots. Hardcore comic fans really consider the X-series as the Stephen King of comics...wildly popular but really not the best of literature compared to what else is out there. (Disclaimer -- Stating other's views, not mine -- check the now reading in the right column ^^) But the series felt RIGHT to me. The characters, their struggles, their uniqueness, the teamwork and the animosity they faced as a race in themselves. I fell in love with them and gorged myself on all I could find.

Of course I had my favorite characters: Jubilee, Meltdown, Storm, Gambit, Rogue, Mystique, Cannonball. My not so favorite was particularly just Wolverine. But despite all that I had a love for the whole entourage of characters and how they interacted and lived with each other in the face of trials by their fellow man and their fellow mutants.

There have been many gay folk out there who have cited the Xmen comics as a place of security growing up gay. Reading the comics and not seeing just a band of folks with supernatural powers fighting crime, but a group of outcasts being forced into obscurity because of who they are and how they were born. Very much like the lives we live on a daily basis. Do we divulge who we really are in the face of strangers, or hide our true selves?

I remember in my early twenties being a part of a number of mailing lists putting together narrative xmen stories via emails. Taking control of a character (or in case of events -- multiple characters) and putting a story together from that characters view, interacting with other members out there for progression in the story lines. Kinda like an email RPG. That was really fun when I had the time. Wouldn't mind doing it now...may have to do some searching, but I'm very rusty. :P

During that time I also created a mutant character of my own. His name was Drift. He could control the gravity around him to his will. Making himself or other things float at will, or increasing gravity to apply pressure or even crush things. I loved that character. He had quite an evolution and really I lost him when I got into a relationship.

Many days I would envision myself as one of them. With what kind of superpower would I have been blessed? What super-secret persona would I exhibit? Would, I be out and proud about it, or be all hush-hush?

Invisibility would be an awesome power. Invisible woman anyone? Anytime I think about that I think of the lyrics from the Clay Aiken song "Invisible."

If I were invisible,
I could just watch you in your room.


Paraphrasing of course, but who wouldn't love that power? Of course it would be kinda stalkerish and lacks tact, but the power of indulgence would be too great for me.

In all cases though, I've realized how much I miss my favorite characters. The comic industry has had a difficult time in these past years because of video games and internet playing a major role in youth's lives. It makes me sad I abandoned my favorite characters and even in this last move haven't set a spot for pulling my comics out into view so that I may browse them. They've been part of my growing up and my life now.

Just remember, if you love comics. Whether you're a Spiderman, Superman, Spawn fan...whatever. Support your comic companies and buy their products. The comic shop and comics are becoming a rare find in everyday life. I know many stores who don't carry them anymore. Keep the written and drawn bliss alive.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A Clear Winner



Today was the big day. I eagerly woke up at 8am to get ready for my scheduled tours of both beauty schools. First showering, and then trying hard to find something to wear that I felt was comfortable but respectable enough. I satisfied myself with a black pair of slacks and a black polo. I looked nice I have to say.

First stop was RAC at 10:30am. I entered and let the front desk know I was there. The lady at front desk said that she thought the appointment was for 11 but I have the post-it (still attached to the pamphlet btw) saying 10:30...but she said she'd let the coordinator lady (not the president but like the vice) know I was here...filling in a form while I was there.

She comes out and brings me back to her office and she proceeds to tell me more about the school while finally giving me an envelope of materials about the school. She was very upfront about alot of things. What I gathered is they get a lot of immature students and like to concentrate and structure around those who really want to apply themselves.

The Positives:

1. The staff seem really friendly and tight-knit. I was introduced to every staff member and was always greeted with smiles and salutations.
2. Classes are usually small and so there's more attention paid to each student.
3. Exceptional students get a graduated reduction in their tuition.

The Minuses:

1. I wasn't impressed by the facilities at all. Everything was bland and very minimal. It seemed just enough to get things done. Charging roughly $500 more than TSB I expected alot more out of the school. Maybe I expect more out of a tuition-run establishment. It felt like the building they were using was unfinished, no paint, out-of-date sinks...heck, the massage room shared the same small room as the water heater which was trying to hide behind a changing screen.
2. The success score sheet in the folder didn't impress me either. 55 students last year and 20 dropped out, leaving 35. 34 graduated with 33 reportedly working in salons at the moment.
3. She admitted that the open salon for the advanced students is really slow. Slow equals lack of experience for me and that bothers me. Only so much I can get out of a mannikin head.

Overall: Great on personality and comradity, low on what seems to be facilities and execution. This is only coming from observation though and I could be off one hundred percent.

Next stop was TSB at 2:30pm. I've been hanging out at my local Barnes and Noble's for the time being and head out an hour pre-engagement. It's located on western off of I275 and I am rarely ever down that way.

I found it alot easier than I thought I would and checked in about a half hour early. From the outside it looked very much like RAC in that it seemed very warehouse-like, but located in a strip-mall type location. As I'm walking up I see the windows emblazoned with extravagantly fashioned hair shots, I open the door and see a whole different world than what I saw at RAC.

The waiting area looked like a waiting area. The open-salon area looked like a salon and was booming with customers (and advanced students I might add). I met with the president and he showed me around the school. A very drastic change from RAC. The premises were lovely, equipment was nice and very modern/up-to-date, various rooms geared to the level of student.

Positives:
1. The school premises itself were awesome. Equipment was up to date and very modern and salon-like. The shampoo area itself consisted of two rows of five free-standing sinks (to freely move around the client) with convenient spray hoses. The practice room (that's what I'm calling it, I forget the term he used, it's for practicing areas of the craft you're weak in) has built-in fixtures to the tables that allow you to lift and maneuver your mannikin's head in various directions to aid in the cut and style. It far outmatched RAC.
2. The salon area for the advanced students was very busy and he admitted that there is a consistent clientele.
3. There are a total of 3 large tack boards in the school with at least 30 listings apiece containing schools who are wanting TSB students upon graduation. A very good prospect if I must say so myself.
4. The final exam for the school itself requires a higher grade than that of the state board certification (which if you can pass it, you have a VERY good chance at passing the certification).

Negatives:
1. It seemed alot stiffer here. So I can imagine that there may be a bit of animosity or detachment in the school. Professionalism tends to take personalization away, but I hope this isn't the case. Hopefully personalities won't be clashing (although, I rarely ever clash with anyone).
2. He gave the bad news that since I'm single, have no kids and make more than 10k a year that I will probably not qualify for a pell grant. He said if I was a single mother with two kids that I could get all the money I needed, but being the responsible "single" (i still giggle at that considering I am partnered) adult doing the right thing I probably won't get a break.

And thus he provided me with some loan options which are based on credit. Considering my credit is in the crapper because of stupid decisions I made early on there's no way I'll get it without a co-signer. Since payment became an issue the experience quickly stopped there and I kinda got ushered out. But the thing is I'm looking to be trained by the best...and so...

The winner is...

TSB. Now that I have a finish line I need to figure out how I'm going to get there. That will be the hard part. I'm still gonna try for a Pell and see where it goes from there. If that doesn't work, maybe try for a student loan from my credit union.

If all else fails, I may use my car as collateral for a loan of some sort. But I really don't want to do that.

If worse comes to worse I'll just save what I can and try again in a couple of years. I've waited this long, but history has proven five years with the beau hasn't merited alot of money being saved. So I hate to think about that outcome.

I'm gonna try my hardest to make it work, but things look rough. My heart and ambition are so much there.

Monday, July 23, 2007

TSB or RAC?

I don't think that I mentioned this earlier in any of my posts, but on Wednesday I have tours and consolations set up with the two biggest cosmetology schools in the city: The Tennessee School of Beauty and Reuben Allen College (founded by Ross the Boss).

I have to say early on I have a preference for the TSB and here's why.

When I became certain this was a path I wanted to follow I went online looking for information regarding the schools, costs, etc and I sent out for information on both.

The next few days I decided to try stopping by RAC (it's literally a 5 minute drive from my work place) and see if I could go ahead and pick up some information. I walk in and go to the counter which I assume is where the walk-ins usually come in and ask about information about the school. The secretary gives a call to the back room and the president comes to greet me. Her name is Le and she seems rather ordinary for a beauty school owner (or probably in this case, just manager). She talks to me briefly about my aspirations, past work experience (which is none), sets up an appointment and then hands me a pamphlet of information. Yes, a pamphlet. Basically a page worth of "table of contents" worth of information. I was kind of disappointed, I expected more. It felt like a high school cosmetology class. Anyways I set up an appointment to look over the place on Wednesday at 10:30am, and we'll see how it goes.

No real emotion or feeling came to me. I'm a very emotional, empathetic person. My beau has said this about me just confirming slightly that I can feel the aura of a certain place and know whether I'll be comfortable or not. And so far this place doesn't seem to be a fit.

Anyways, I left RAC slightly disappointed.

After I got home, I pulled up to the mailbox and found a large envelope from the TSB addressed to me in my box. When I got inside, I opened it to find a large folder containing all kinds of information about the school. From the course load and how the full semesters play out according to what is being learned, to the differentiation in the morning class load to the night class load, and also applying the fact that those without experience are full greeted and taken in. Lots of information on financial aid, the school's goals and it's history. Just a ton of information which overshadowed what i got at RAC.

I called that day to set up an appointment for a tour like at RAC, and got sent to the president's office (who sets up the appointments) and got a voicemail indicating he was on another call at the moment.

During the pause (this is during a day off on a weekday *gasp*) and I finally manage to convince the beau to give a call to the insurance company to add my new car. It only took me dialing the number, getting him past the automation and handing him the phone to do it though *sigh*...but I'm insured now, Yay!

During this time the pres calls back and of course Russ is on the phone so he leaves a message stating that fact "he was sorry to miss me and hopes to hear from me soon."

The prez leaves the office at about 4:30ish and it was about that time, but I decided to call and leave a message anyway. I didn't get him but I left a message saying that I was sorry I missed his call but would call back tomorrow.

Here's what really impressed me.

Even though I said that I was gonna be calling to set up things the next day, I still got a call from him (the prez) at noonish the next day to set things up. It may be business but it at least makes me feel like they're serious about the business and the students the take in.

At my lunch break I hear his voicemail and give him a call back. I end up setting a tour time of 2:30 on Wednesday and finishing the call with a real good feeling that this is the school I need to work with.

My plan right now is to tour the RAC school that morning but not commit to any paperwork or financial aid paperwork until after my meeting with the TSB school later that day.

I'm super excited for Wednesday. I really am certain that this is something that I want to do and make a career out of. I'm confident in my ability to make it work for me and whoever comes into my chair. With night-classes it'll take over a year to get my certification but it'll be well worth it. I don't mind how long it takes, just the quality.

I just hope the financial aid works out for me, pell grant please work for me! I just need something to cover the initial costs and I can cover the monthly payments. Night all, I'm a hopeful boy tonight *crossing fingers*

Sunday, July 22, 2007

"You and Me"

I just had to go ahead and post this video. I've fell in love with the song "You and Me" ever since seeing Danny and Anya from SYTYCD doing a Viennese Waltz. It was just beautiful. I remember hearing the song a ton of times beforehand but this is the first time the words really spoke to me. Bringing such a beautiful dance to the lyric just made it that much more important and meaningful.

The other night, my "closing" night from the last post, I heard the song as I was pulling into the parking lot, and I swear I just about cried.

So here it is. Hope it works for you as much as I. And I guess you could also call it a final fairwell to Anya who left this past week. *cry*

Me...Closing?

Around this time I'd be putting together a post but oddly enough I had a closing shift tonight.

Everyone at work is so surprised when they hear I'm closing down the store with them. It's usually in a maniacal glee because I NEVER close and to see me sharing their same fate is rewarded. So I let them have their fun.

It is weird for me as well, considering my schedule usually runs Monday through Friday, 8-5pm. It's virtually ingrained in my mind what it is I do.

When I clocked in today I found myself greeting my General Manager with a, "Good Morning!" I don't think she caught it, but I caught myself.

I kept incredibly busy tonight. Our clearance event is ending tomorrow and so T and I got an early start on clearing the kids part of "main street" (the middle walkthrough area separating the main departments) -- I cleared and reset the boys department, and was very pleased with the end result

Then upon my GM's request I went to rebuild the men's khaki wall to our new fall specifications. Not to mention the air conditioning problems we've had over that shop. There's a huge conditioner box-thing (forgive my lack of technical terms) above our khaki wall, and is reknown for "dripping." Apparently, last night the dripping became more of a .... waterfall.

So half the backwall has been removed and the remains of the water collection effort was still in full view. Not only did I have to remove all that, but rebuild the wall to it's specs and then rearrange what was left of the merchandise for the wall to it's new home. I didn't even get to the items that were removed during the "waterfall."

Well, I like staying busy...so it was a good night.

The only particular part of the night I didn't enjoy was where I got to play "manager" for a couple of hours. I was heading up the recovery effort and addressing any concerns during the last closing hours. I have totally found out I can't deal with management. Traveling around, making sure people are doing what needs to be done, and in the process you spend more time checking up on people in menial tasks than getting larger more meaningful projects done.

So yeah, I've made my decision in that aspect. I'm hands-on, task-oriented, and managing others is not my deal.

Soooo tired so I'm calling it a night. Be good all.

LOL, I just noticed at the beginning of this I didn't expect it to be a big post...but oh well, guess what you got.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Indulgence Unfulfilled




Yeah...doesn't that look appetizing.

Well, I thought it would be earlier in the day. I finished all my promotional stuff at work and then went to pick up a few groceries and made my way home. Tried calling the beau a couple of times but no answer, so I figure he's asleep or something. I get home and he's just about to get in the shower (mind you in his current pre-operation condition, so this is quite the task for him) and looks like hell.

He showers and appears to be a new person, exhausted but looking tons better. He then asks me to grab him a pack of cigs and something to eat. I'm not real hungry and so I let him suggest the place and at first he wants Subway. I'm not a big fan of Subway, I never seem to get a sub there that I can enjoy on a tastebud level. Quizno's is more my taste. So he then suggests Burger King.

Mind you for the past 3 weeks or more I've been eating relatively clean. The only fast food I've really had in this time has been two basic hard tacos from Taco Bell and two grilled snack wraps from McDonalds. I think to myself...

I've been awfully good these past few weeks, I deserve a bit of a treat.

So I grab his cigs and then head to the Burger King down the road.

I park and go in so that I can stare at the menu and make a decision for myself because I know it'll be hard.

So, I'm staring at the menu (and feeling guilty at the same time) and only seeing big red X's for myself all over the place.

I order Russ' food and then I go with my old standby. A whopper Jr. w/ cheese no onion. I'd always been partial to the King's burgers over other places, the rest I can do without.

Bring it home, and long story short. The food made me nauseous and the soda gave me a headache.

I now know exactly how my roommate Jen (who eats very clean and healthy all the time) feels after eating from fastfood. I used to wonder why she always ended up feeling icky and grumpy after a fast food binge.

It's taken me pretty much all night to rid myself of the headache but my stomach is feeling better now. It was good at the time, but it definitely makes me re-think eating fast food again. It just goes to show that your body is just as smart as the food you put into it. And mine definitely didn't want this mush.

Maybe Subway wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

SYTYCD Thursday (the first?)

I should've made this a weekly thing, and I may just revisit some of my favorite dances from previous weeks in later posts like Neil and Lauren's Jazz routine from last week, and Danny and Anya's smooth waltz. Hard night too, losing Anya AND Hok. I was totally hoping Anya wasn't going home.

So here's two of my favorite routines from this week.

First is a contemporary piece choreographed by Mia Michaels for Neil and Lauren. Such a wonderfully imaginative piece even if you had no idea what it was about.



Next is Pasha and Sara with another wonderfully imaginative jazz routine by Mandy Moore (not the pop singer :P ).



I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A Little Bit About Me pt. 1

Hey all! I've been meaning to post this for almost a month. I've been working on it off and on and then putting it back in the queue. I sorta popped into this blog at Blogger as if continuing on from my past ones and most of you all still don't know a whole lot about me versus what's happening to me. And what use is listening to me rant about my life if you don't have an idea of who I am.

So...here's part one of what may be an indefinite amount of tidbits.

(btw. Thanks goes to Rick at Bandit Talks for ispiration with many of the questions I could ask myself.)

1. What is your natural hair color? A light sandy brown, but I have a habit of changing my hair color a lot. For years, it was every shade of blonde but right now i've been keeping it in the dark brown to black spectrum. Once I grow my hair back out, it'll go back to black. My hair used to be a lot like Milo Ventimiglia's (from "Heroes") but I cut it cause the beau liked it short, and i've been kicking myself since.

2. Where was your profile picture taken? It was one of the shots taken for my portfolio in the short stint I did with Face Models. I was totally surprised they signed me considering I'm 5'3" and small, not your standard male model. After a few gigs of running stands at our local college football games convincing students to sign up for credit cards for free umbrellas, I slowly phased it out of my life. As my credit has been totally ruined because of me being taken into the world of credit before I was ready for it, I felt horrible doing the same to others for the sake of me pretending to be a model.

3. What's your middle name? Stephen actually. I was supposed to be a Junior but my mom hated my dad's middle name and thus fought for Stephen. I'm glad she did, not sure if i'd want to go through life with the name Caylor. Uggh. Definitely different though.

I also go by Ste most of the time now. I adopted it ages ago after years of watching "Beautiful Thing". I hate the nickname Steve just because I grew up in the era of "Family Matters" and Steve Urkel...yeah, bad memories there.

4. Your current relationship status? Partnered, but you all know how well it seems to be going lately.

5. What is one thing that makes you happy? I really enjoy eating out. It's the whole experience of getting out of the house, enjoying a great meal in a unique atmosphere (i use unique loosely). Whether it be at the mall's food atrium (boy-watching nonetheless) or at a nice restaurant taking in the best. Just something very refreshing and calming for me.

6. What’s the last thing you bought? Hmm... Cigs for the beau (he goes through like a pack a day) and made a run to the liquor store. Yeah, the answer to this question makes me look real good :P

7. If you could go back in time and change something what would it be? I definitely would've changed my experience in college. I was a great student during high school, went to a pre-college program acing most of the things there and then went straight into college. I soon moved out on my own and discovered the gay community and a life outside of school.

Long story short, I ended up sacrificing my college career living the social life I never had during high school. Some of that I blame on an overprotective mother, but mostly I blame it on myself. I made bad decisions. I know it's cliche, but kids stay in school! I wish I had.

8. Ever had a near death experience? In my early years of driving I had a number of automobile accidents and luckily I made it through all of them...roughly 4, with 2 of them being totalled. I was very lucky to make it out of all of them with nary an injury. Apparently I'm here for some purpose, just haven't found it yet.

9. Something you do a lot? I have a nervous habit, and if you're ever around me I'm either playing with my tongue ring, chewing gum, or talking with my hands OR all of the above.

10. What's the name of the song stuck in your head? I've had two constantly in my head lately. "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie, and "Shut Up and Drive" - Rihanna

11. If you could have one super power what would it be? I would love to have invisibility for myself. But, I was and still am a big comic book fan and years ago I used to be part of email groups putting together superhero/Xmen stories and making up characters as well as controlling established ones according to book standards. It was real fun, just don't have too much time to even consider it nowadays. I remember the one character I purely created named Drift. He had the ability to control the gravity around him and other things. Yeah, I'm a dork. lol

12. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? The more I see the opposite sex, it just makes me that much more happy to be gay. LOL

13. What do you usually order from Starbucks? The only thing I've ever ordered from Starbucks has been a caramel macchiato on a number of occasions. I haven't really delved into the menu yet. >>

14. What's your favorite color? Blue definitely but it differs according to categories lol. I like silver for automobiles and my clothing revolves around neutral colors.

15. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Kiddy movies? They're animated feature films thank you. But yep I sure do. I don't watch as many cartoons as I usually did (used to love watching Pepper Ann on Toon Disney for the longest time), but I still catch films. Shrek the Third being the most recent. I'm still not sure about Ratatouille though, even after all the positive blogs about it. I still haven't seen anything in previews that makes me think I'd enjoy it. *cry*

16. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Snacking on sunflower seeds and a vodka and diet pepsi mixer. >>

17. Do you speak any other language? I can speak some spanish. Used to be a spanish major at one time in college and got really good at one point, very rusty now. Also communicate real well in Sign language. Had a longer stint in college working toward being an interpreter. I enjoy sign very much, comes very naturally to me.

18. What's your favorite smell? As discussed in another blog recently in About a Boy and His Briefs. The sweaty smell of hot male testosterone is the best smell! I even admitted that whenever I get near a guy I think is too hot, I take a deep breath just in hopes of catching a whiff of their "scent". Biggest turn on ever!

19. What are you thinking about right now? How I'm going to afford cosmetology school. Doing some research today and talking to the two large schools here in the city, I'm going to at least drop 3k up front for either. I've got appointments for tours next wednesday so hopefully I can explore pell grants, financial aid or something. The overall cost didn't surprise me, just the up-front cost. ><

20. What should you be doing? Probably trying to find a way to mow the lawn. With the beau out of commission and no way for him to get the mower he borrows, we have a pretty grown-up lawn at the moment. It's kinda sad and embarrassing.

21. Name 5 things in your closet: Hmmm, we're still kinda unpacked from our move, soo...
1. 3 boxes full of my comic collection
2. a box full of our porn tape collection
3. the fact that 3/4s of the clothes in the closet are mine, yeah i like my clothes.
4. On my closet door is a poster of Hal Sparks from Queer As Folk, from the episode where they were setting him up with an internet dating ad photo. The beau and I took a trip to Atlanta and we visited this adult/gay novelty shop and it was there. YUM.
5. I have 5 shirts I got from various Backstreet Boy concerts I attended. ^^ I still will go see the boys if it's within my power. I liked the boy band era...fun dance music.

22. What one thing do you desire most? Financial stability and comfort. I don't long to be rich, just comfortable. Able to pay my bills, have casual spending, and save some money in the process.

23. Can't Live Without...? Deodorant. I hate that feeling when you've forgotten your deodorant on a trip or something and you can't apply it. It's like all this added friction starts happening in your armpit. Gosh I hate that feeling. I'm surprised that I answered the question this way...but go figure.

24. Least Favorite Subject in School? It's a toss up between math and science, but I'm going to have to go with science. I've just never been able to attach myself to any of the subjects.

25. Secret Ambition? I would love to be a bartender at a gay club. I know it's probably not all it's cracked up to be, but it's a secret ambition of mine. There just seems to be a level of prestige I would enjoy. The only reason I never pursued it...the hours. Nope, couldn't deal with late nights, every night.

And there's part one of me. Hope you learned a bit about me, and if not...give me your own questions or requests. *HUGS*

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Lucky #5



So...I've been thinking off and on lately about going to cosmetology school and becoming a stylist. And last night, I began really looking for information in the area on how I get this done. Looking at local cosmetology schools, sending for brochures, and most importantly...checking out on whether I can even afford to do it.

I've been interested in the field for quite a while and it will give me a chance to take a trade and grow with it. That's something I've been wanting for a long time. Taking something I love, move forward with it and grow both as a professional and financially.

My current job, although I love what I'm doing, has placed a paycap on my position and thus I have no more growth in what I'm doing financially. The only way I can get past the cap is to go into supervision or management positions and I am dead certain that I don't want management. I'm task-oriented. I want to get out there and do it, control my tasks, and not have to delegate menial tasks to folks who could care less.

I've had other aspirations before this. Sign language interpreting, computer tech, commercial art...but I've had considerable doubts concerning whether I'll actually ENJOY it, be fully capable or my out and (hate to say it) obvious gayness impeding my client availability. But this prospect seems fully open to me and I'm really excited about putting this together for myself. I'm very confident in my abilities and am optimistic about enjoying it.

When bringing it up to the beau yesterday (he's mentioned in the past that he thought that I would do well at it), he brought up a point that I have noticed about myself that I was unaware he realized about me...and it made it that much more real for me.

I tend to have a bad relationship with the number 5.

I've only had 3 prime jobs my whole career. I tend to stay in one place for a while (I love consistancy). But the tying factor for my first two jobs is that I left them both in my fifth year of service, am currently in my fifth year at my retail job and he even pointed out that this is still our fifth official year together as a couple and we've had hardships where the prospect of parting ways was given (and in some ways still possible).

Seeing it now makes it much more real and makes me worry if I'm just looking for the right things for my life and that's the magic number saying if it's not right by this time I need to move on....or am I just flakey.

This prospect is gonna require an investment on our part and I want to be sure that I want to do this. I truly believe I want to do this, but part of me nags that I'll be done with this after 5 years and then what...

My friend says that 5 years is the average timeframe folks stay at any particular job/environment/etc before looking for a change. So at least I'm not the only one experiencing this...at least I hope.

I still plan on looking into this...my friend also knows a gay couple who own their own salon, makes a great living, and she's willing to set me up talking to them about it.

I'm a little apprehensive though, just because I still know very little but my own gut feelings. I've never cut hair before but I have worked with color a number of times. Just in that experience I know I can do pretty well.

I really am searching for stability in a trade I enjoy. The potential to grow and achieve by skilling myself in what I enjoy. I don't want to delegate, I want to do. And this could be my opportunity to express myself, put myself into a field where I can develop my own merits, reputation and rely on my own talents (or lack thereof, we shall see if I get to schooling).

Anyone have any insight on this career choice? Pros/cons? Any imformation will be most helpful.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Progress

I'm so proud of my beau today. If you remember my long rant post here, my beau had put himself into a kind of self-destructing mindset. After weeks of trying to get him to get his bloodwork done so that he's able to set his surgery date, he got up the courage and determination I remember him so much for, and got it done.

When I called on my way home from work and he told me that he was on his way to the doctor's office, my face lit up. I'm sure he felt the happiness in my voice.

I almost couldn't believe it, he's told me half-truths before (like he made the phone call and would hopefully be going the next day when he actually just got voicemail and was "waiting" for a return call past 5pm), but this instilled in me that I may indeed still retain my hope.

Now, if we can just retain the same winning determination to get his surgery scheduled... we can finally put this behind us and he can go back to live his life...our life.

Granted, he'll have to watch what he does in the future as not to aggravate his back. This third back surgery will be simple but in the words of his doctor... "you could probably sneeze funny and throw your back out again...you've just got a bad back."

Yeah, that's positive reinforcement for the surgery and hence why I feel he's been in this emotional rut he's been in for the last two months. Especially considering his job (the job he loves and has worked 13 long years perfecting) takes physical labor and double the fact that he's a do-er not a delagator. It'll definitely be a change he won't welcome.

But better than the persistant horrible pain, forcibly having to move his right leg, and having to rely on his crutch to get him around easier. Should I even re-mention the emotional reasons...

I am a very happy camper today.

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In other news...

A few months ago I posted about my crush at work and how we seemed to click every once in a while. Even if he was straight, he brightened my day on the odd occurence I did get to work with him. Very bright young man.

Unfortunately that time has come to an end and I can't say that I didn't expect it. He came to work with us through his sister Sam, you may remember from my tubing trip. Well, a little over a month or so ago she got a new job and went down to one day a week. She made her first day after that change, the following week she didn't show up and noone... not even her closest friends at the store could get in contact with her. She'd basically quit and disconnected from all of us who we once considered her friends. I've seen this all too many times and it's a sad thing.

After her departure, Greg still worked with us and that pleased me. He still had school and had to give up a few shifts because of it but he was still on the employee list and gave me the hope of seeing his tight little body working shipment.

Last week, he worked both shipment dates, and then this tuesday as well.

Wednesday was a regular shift for him, and my worst fear happened... he no-called / no-showed AND noone could get a hold of him.

Next day, shipment. Same deal. I've officially lost the only guy in the store I lusted over. *sigh* Heck, male employees are in short supply here as it is. I think there are only 6 of us now, including a new hire who isn't that bad to look at but not really my type. He'll have to do for now though. ><

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To finish up, I can finally say to myself that I like sushi.

I've had california rolls before but everyone tells me that they're like the beginner sushi and so I'd never been able to attach the label to myself. I decided I was gonna try some other kinds today and there was a local sushi place next to my gym that I knew included sushi on their buffet during the weekends and figured it would suit my senses to give it a try that way with a flat price. Everything I tried, I enjoyed. Not only enjoyed, I found myself craving more. And thus, I can now list sushi as a favorite food choice.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Tired, but for GOOD reason!

About time for an update I have to say. Forgive me, today I'm running off of about 3 and a half hours sleep right now because last night (or this morning) I caught a 12:30am showing of ...



"Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix" ^^

Nope, this isn't going to be an analysis of the movie or how well it actually translated to film. But I do have to say at the end of the day I really enjoyed it. There were a few areas where I was disappointed, but I had the same feelings when I first saw "The Goblet of Fire." It's now my favorite of the movies thus far.

What I also really loved was that the group of people that helped sell out the twelve 11:59pm - 1:30am shows were the kind of folks I want to go see movies with. Everyone was enthusiastic for the movie and it's pinnacle moments throughout. There was no screaming babies, cell phones ringing, idle or mocking chit-chat.

There were hundreds of excited people. Some who even dressed up in robes, scarves and sporting their own wands. I actually pulled out the "Support Cedric Diggory" Tee I got at Hot Topic last year and got the strength to actually wear it in public. I know, I'm a dork but hey at least I can wear it among peers... or at least I hope they're peers. >>

Another thing I noticed last night was that the hot gay bois came out in droves. The eye candy was never ending. Where do they hide? I never see them in broad daylight. It's like there's a secret storage pen nightclubs herd these boys into and set them free only when the last of the sun's rays disappear from view and the technobeats are pumping.

I'm so definitely gonna see it again before the next couple of weeks are out.

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In other news, my weight-training is going well and having Jay's Calendar to help keep me motivated is definitely helping. I can count two times within the last 6 days I wanted to cut short but I proceeded forward. I nearly didn't do my spin class last night but I got myself to the bike and although my legs are sore today, I'm proud of myself for getting it done. I've also been upping my protein and TRYING to watch my carbs. It's soooo hard though.

Work is kicking my butt. Huge markdowns again this week, not to mention the clearance event, and getting shipped HUGE amounts of fall merchandise already. I had to totally gut the boy's shop today and rebuild it, and I'm not even set for Friday's shipment yet. SIGH, wish me luck. I'm just happy i'm not passed out yet, but I'm sure i'll be out as soon as I hit the pillow. Night all.

I've got some Daniel Radcliffe talk show appearances to watch on Tivo too. Boy is getting finer by the day. *sigh*

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Faulty Hope?

note: long post, so bring a blanket and some bon-bons. Thanks in advance for listening to my ramblings. ^^

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If you have been keeping up with most of my posts, you'll know by the few posts dealing with my relationship that it seems to falling apart at a startling pace. If you haven't, you can catch up on a few of our latest issues by clicking on the "relationship" tag to the right.

I haven't really posted all that much about our failings because of it's inherit negativity at the moment. I don't want this blog just to represent that side of me or of being all doom and gloom. And don't get me wrong, when the relationship is good, it's real good. Although with the years the good has given way to just getting by. And the bad...has just gotten much worse.

We've been together for almost six years now and have been a couple for a little over five. That in itself is an accomplishment. We met through a mutual friend of ours at the very club I mentioned in an earlier post here and I was struck by his handsome features, strong personality and masculine bravado. He's 13 years my senior, but that didn't bother me because I've always found myself drawn more to older guys for maturity and stability.

Also notice that "drawn" doesn't necessarily mean that this attraction to older guys is my actual preference or a trait I necessarily look for when I'm dating or meeting people. If truth be told, the last 3 guys I've had relationships with weren't what I would consider my type and all were older than I.

Russ and I clicked in a big way and made our relationship permanent on Christmas day 2002. For four years our relationship was great and the best I'd ever been in. Our bond was strong but not jealous. We never had what I would consider an argument (we had heated discussions), but they never got personal or hurtful. We prided ourselves in the fact that we could avoid all the drama surrounding what seems to be 95% of the gay community and wore that badge proudly. I was extremely happy and in love.

But something happened in the fourth year that just made everything start to crumble and to be truthful I still haven't found an understanding as to why. His drinking started to become a problem, as did his temper and patience. He's always been a little high-strung when it came to his these traits but it always was toward other people and never directed toward me.

There started to be communication breakdowns where full-blown arguments would flare up over nothing. These happen frequently now and it saddens me. He's made me cry more times this past 6 months than in our entire relationship. Last night being a most prolific case, but I'll get to that soon. It's gotten to a point where I avoid getting into discussions with him for fear of an argument happening. That's just how frequent this has been happening...I've gained a fear of actually "talking" with him. I've communicated this to him a few times, but I don't think it's sunk in.

He used to be one of the most responsible people I knew, but in these last couple of years his sense of priority and responsibility has gone down the tube. Financial obligations he's been so good at keeping have fallen to the wayside impeding our ever so close but always so far goal of being able to save money for the future.

His word and promises have become so faulty that I can't rely on anything he says anymore. "I'll get so and so done..." means nothing to him anymore. He'll say it and become the king of procrastination. I've been trying for the past 4 months for him to put my car on our insurance and get the vehicles we're not using anymore removed. His name is the only one on the account so he's the only one who can change it. We're paying hard earned money on vehicles we're not using. He's been home for the past two months (ironically because he's failing to setup for the bloodwork to setup his back operation so he can stop hurting and return to work). He knows these things NEED to be done but fails to do them. And he used to not be like this.

We used to branch out and do things together as well, things we're both interested in or take part in things that make either of us happy on a regular basis. Now, it's just his way or the highway. He wants to do what he wants to do and if my suggestions don't fit his bill it's null and void. And then he's mad when I start to do my own things to help satisfy my needs emotionally and socially. And it's not that I'm not willing to do what he wants anymore, it's just that he watches and "does" (I use that verb loosely because there's very little he does anymore that doesn't involve the couch) almost the same exact thing everyday, very rarely straying from that path. He rarely opens his mind to new things, movies, opportunities either. The response, "I'm not in the mood" frequents all to often now and I'm faced with either dealing with his stubborness and give in, or do my own thing to keep my mind healthily interested and used...at least by exposing myself to new stimuli.

This is really the small list of big things wrong but it never used to be this way. Just in the last two years. We've had multiple discussions about this and our situation in general and he's always the first to admit his flaws and the validity of everything I've mentioned.

I also get responses that revolve around the following:
"you knew what you were getting into from the start"
"this is who I am"
"i'm sorry for everything, maybe you need to move on", etc.

I've heard renditions of this last one, allusions or plain out suggesting we'd be better off apart at least 4 times since we've moved to this new place. All with the disclaimer that he prefers that not to happen. The most recent being last night after he ambushed me with an argument out of nowhere last night.

Long story short the day and night was going really well. He'd drank a bit much while we were playing cards but his spirits were still high. Once we'd finished cards and our roommate went to bed, he started organizing the cards or whatever. I come over to try to help and his face and personality completely switched on me. I swear, it was a split-second change. He turned on me and went off on me about if i'm going to help him, help him right and this progressed into alot of non-sensical garble about me going to bed among other things. I won't describe the events because they are really unremarkable and stupid. I was extremely confused, angry, sad and disheartened. But it ended with Russ once again making a drunken "observation" at my disdain and impartialness (not wanting to provoke any further drama than already inflicted) that i'm finally "over it" and I "need to move on". I could only answer him by saying, "it's not over until you say it is."

Like I figured, he didn't remember much of it the next morning, thinking it was a dream. I related everything and he apologized ("for what it's worth" according to him). I also mentioned to him about his observation and my answer (also reminding him that this has been a recurring thing he's said to me in the past few months).

I've been constantly debating ending the relationship in the past few months. I'm tired of the arguments, and I'm frustrated with our living situation and emotional evironment we've put ourself into. I'm ready to move on because I'm really thinking that we are not meant to be with each other any more.

But here's the clincher and the main point of this whole ramble (I know, a long time coming). I've had many an opportunity to end the relationship by his own prompting and I keep telling myself the next time it happens I'll take the gamble because our situation is not improving.

But everytime I'm presented with the chance I always go back into consoling, comforting, and relying on hope; staying in the relationship, praying that this will be the time his actions take heart and he'll make progress toward being like we were. We were happy once, and can be again. But how long can I depend on hope? When is hope no longer justified... and improving your life, living situation and emotional state takes precedence over the faulty belief that things will return back to the way they were? I still love him, but I really feel it's in my best interest to move on. But my heart keeps telling me things will get better, I just have to wait it out and be as supportive as I can. Hope persists.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Happy 4th!

Today was my day off and initially I wanted to get all my chores done (laundry basically), which I actually finished. I have a bad habit of forgetting about the laundry once it's in the dryer.

After getting my chores done I wanted to go out tonight, primarily to try out a new bar after my latest experience at my past favorite bar. I do a little searching for the club's site (the Rainbow Club West) and find out that there's no special 4th events and assume that it's regular Wednesday night "Country Night" (gag!) and so I decide not to go out.

Later on Russ decides to watch "1776" on TCM (I've watched this so many times as we own both the tape and DVD of the musical, VERY good if you like musicals), and it gets me into a more patriotic mood. Not to mention that the guy who plays the lead John Adams, is the same guy who did the voice of KITT in "Knight Rider" and the principal in "Boy Meets World".

I've seen this so many times but surprisingly it takes the holiday that supports the idea for me to really appreciate it. I suggest if you have access to watch it and you don't mind musicals to definitely watch this, it has some great songs and educational in the process, even if they took some artistic license.

While we're watching the show we notice that folks are lighting fireworks in the community and unlike the usual baby fireworks, some folks are lighting some that appear very like the ones pictured above. We ended up moving out onto the front porch and watching them. It was very nice, and I enjoyed them a whole lot more.

Before tonight I really never had an appreciation for fireworks. I had the thought that "once you've seen one, you've seen them all". Boomsday here in Knoxville didn't impress me, "Illumi-Nations" at Epcot Disney didn't impress me. But Sitting on our front porch with Russ and my puppy and watching these fireworks go off in celebration of our independence really made me think how lucky we are.

Especially the gay community, just look what's happening to the gay communities in the Islam areas. Even though we haven't won our full battles we still have come a long way. And we really should acknowledge that fact and celebrate it. This country, even if it has been a long battle has allowed us to attain what we have so far...and I'm proud and honored to be a part of this country and it's beliefs.

There are the stray things that just haven't worked out, (Bush?, etc?) but for the most part, we are very lucky. Enjoy our independence and freedoms. Don't take for granted what we have and what others have yet to experience. We have it good and we better not forget it.

*HUGS*

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Fitness Goal Challenge

You all know that I've been working out alot harder and more frequently lately and as of yet I really haven't set myself any goals other than to look better in my clothes and feel better about myself physically. Me being so small (5'3", 119.5lbs as of today), it's really hard to find clothes that fit me the way I want them too. I can never be an ambercrombie model, but by gosh I can strive to be a good miniature facsimile.

But thanks to Jay and his blog , I've finally laid into writing a goal for myself. I like goals, it gives me something to shoot for and I really don't know why I've never set myself one before...at least weight-wise. I guess just being around 110lbs for most of my life has made me skittish about making a goal of gaining weight. And truly the thought kinda scares me because I don't want to mess up what I consider a good metabolism (i know, extremist thinking and I know it's faulty...it's just what I think).

But I also know that for my height range my weight should be around 120-130ish I think, and that gives me a point to work towards. I've already gained 10ish lbs since I really started focusing on my workout this past December and it tickles me that I've been floating around the bottom end of my average (considering I've been underweight for most my life).

So anyways, here's my goal for September 30th. I have this mini-belly I've put on in the years I've been with Russ due to just inactivity. That's definitely my first thing to go. And I want to put on another 5-10lbs of muscle. There it is, in writing. ^^

I have a before picture from last month here.

Wish me luck!