Faulty Hope?

note: long post, so bring a blanket and some bon-bons. Thanks in advance for listening to my ramblings. ^^

---------------------

If you have been keeping up with most of my posts, you'll know by the few posts dealing with my relationship that it seems to falling apart at a startling pace. If you haven't, you can catch up on a few of our latest issues by clicking on the "relationship" tag to the right.

I haven't really posted all that much about our failings because of it's inherit negativity at the moment. I don't want this blog just to represent that side of me or of being all doom and gloom. And don't get me wrong, when the relationship is good, it's real good. Although with the years the good has given way to just getting by. And the bad...has just gotten much worse.

We've been together for almost six years now and have been a couple for a little over five. That in itself is an accomplishment. We met through a mutual friend of ours at the very club I mentioned in an earlier post here and I was struck by his handsome features, strong personality and masculine bravado. He's 13 years my senior, but that didn't bother me because I've always found myself drawn more to older guys for maturity and stability.

Also notice that "drawn" doesn't necessarily mean that this attraction to older guys is my actual preference or a trait I necessarily look for when I'm dating or meeting people. If truth be told, the last 3 guys I've had relationships with weren't what I would consider my type and all were older than I.

Russ and I clicked in a big way and made our relationship permanent on Christmas day 2002. For four years our relationship was great and the best I'd ever been in. Our bond was strong but not jealous. We never had what I would consider an argument (we had heated discussions), but they never got personal or hurtful. We prided ourselves in the fact that we could avoid all the drama surrounding what seems to be 95% of the gay community and wore that badge proudly. I was extremely happy and in love.

But something happened in the fourth year that just made everything start to crumble and to be truthful I still haven't found an understanding as to why. His drinking started to become a problem, as did his temper and patience. He's always been a little high-strung when it came to his these traits but it always was toward other people and never directed toward me.

There started to be communication breakdowns where full-blown arguments would flare up over nothing. These happen frequently now and it saddens me. He's made me cry more times this past 6 months than in our entire relationship. Last night being a most prolific case, but I'll get to that soon. It's gotten to a point where I avoid getting into discussions with him for fear of an argument happening. That's just how frequent this has been happening...I've gained a fear of actually "talking" with him. I've communicated this to him a few times, but I don't think it's sunk in.

He used to be one of the most responsible people I knew, but in these last couple of years his sense of priority and responsibility has gone down the tube. Financial obligations he's been so good at keeping have fallen to the wayside impeding our ever so close but always so far goal of being able to save money for the future.

His word and promises have become so faulty that I can't rely on anything he says anymore. "I'll get so and so done..." means nothing to him anymore. He'll say it and become the king of procrastination. I've been trying for the past 4 months for him to put my car on our insurance and get the vehicles we're not using anymore removed. His name is the only one on the account so he's the only one who can change it. We're paying hard earned money on vehicles we're not using. He's been home for the past two months (ironically because he's failing to setup for the bloodwork to setup his back operation so he can stop hurting and return to work). He knows these things NEED to be done but fails to do them. And he used to not be like this.

We used to branch out and do things together as well, things we're both interested in or take part in things that make either of us happy on a regular basis. Now, it's just his way or the highway. He wants to do what he wants to do and if my suggestions don't fit his bill it's null and void. And then he's mad when I start to do my own things to help satisfy my needs emotionally and socially. And it's not that I'm not willing to do what he wants anymore, it's just that he watches and "does" (I use that verb loosely because there's very little he does anymore that doesn't involve the couch) almost the same exact thing everyday, very rarely straying from that path. He rarely opens his mind to new things, movies, opportunities either. The response, "I'm not in the mood" frequents all to often now and I'm faced with either dealing with his stubborness and give in, or do my own thing to keep my mind healthily interested and used...at least by exposing myself to new stimuli.

This is really the small list of big things wrong but it never used to be this way. Just in the last two years. We've had multiple discussions about this and our situation in general and he's always the first to admit his flaws and the validity of everything I've mentioned.

I also get responses that revolve around the following:
"you knew what you were getting into from the start"
"this is who I am"
"i'm sorry for everything, maybe you need to move on", etc.

I've heard renditions of this last one, allusions or plain out suggesting we'd be better off apart at least 4 times since we've moved to this new place. All with the disclaimer that he prefers that not to happen. The most recent being last night after he ambushed me with an argument out of nowhere last night.

Long story short the day and night was going really well. He'd drank a bit much while we were playing cards but his spirits were still high. Once we'd finished cards and our roommate went to bed, he started organizing the cards or whatever. I come over to try to help and his face and personality completely switched on me. I swear, it was a split-second change. He turned on me and went off on me about if i'm going to help him, help him right and this progressed into alot of non-sensical garble about me going to bed among other things. I won't describe the events because they are really unremarkable and stupid. I was extremely confused, angry, sad and disheartened. But it ended with Russ once again making a drunken "observation" at my disdain and impartialness (not wanting to provoke any further drama than already inflicted) that i'm finally "over it" and I "need to move on". I could only answer him by saying, "it's not over until you say it is."

Like I figured, he didn't remember much of it the next morning, thinking it was a dream. I related everything and he apologized ("for what it's worth" according to him). I also mentioned to him about his observation and my answer (also reminding him that this has been a recurring thing he's said to me in the past few months).

I've been constantly debating ending the relationship in the past few months. I'm tired of the arguments, and I'm frustrated with our living situation and emotional evironment we've put ourself into. I'm ready to move on because I'm really thinking that we are not meant to be with each other any more.

But here's the clincher and the main point of this whole ramble (I know, a long time coming). I've had many an opportunity to end the relationship by his own prompting and I keep telling myself the next time it happens I'll take the gamble because our situation is not improving.

But everytime I'm presented with the chance I always go back into consoling, comforting, and relying on hope; staying in the relationship, praying that this will be the time his actions take heart and he'll make progress toward being like we were. We were happy once, and can be again. But how long can I depend on hope? When is hope no longer justified... and improving your life, living situation and emotional state takes precedence over the faulty belief that things will return back to the way they were? I still love him, but I really feel it's in my best interest to move on. But my heart keeps telling me things will get better, I just have to wait it out and be as supportive as I can. Hope persists.