Stability is All I Ask

Well, if all the obstacles I was facing wasn't enough already. Another big monkey-wrench has been thrown into the gears.

I've let you all know about my beau's lack of responsibility and urgency considering finishing the prequisites so that he can have his back surgery. it's been well over 3months and he really is nowhere closer to it being done than before.

He felt comfortable doing that because despite him not being at work, he was still drawing a paycheck due to vacation and sick time. He made the trip to get his check and the time I've been warning him about for the last month has come. He doesn't have a paycheck.

We've had discussion upon discussion about this in the last month. I just knew that it wasn't going to last and that he needs to get on the ball to get things done so that we can live our life and keep his job security.

So with no paycheck for him, that cuts about 65% of our income and puts us in the poorhouse. I do get paid this week but it's not enough to cover us. He says it is, but I'm the bookkeeper and I know how he consumes, not to mention the bills we have.

What's worse is that he doesn't see this as an obstacle, he's just going to turn in the two cars and cancel the boat slip, and blah blah. But knowing him he's just going to sit on the couch and do nothing about his situation, just like he has been this past 3 months.

He hasn't even apologized to me considering this is my life too and how I saw this coming and tried to prevent this by attempting to push him to get his stuff done and over with. Not a word.

If he was doing all he could to get things done and this happened in the meantime, I would see this situation in a totally different light. But it didn't, he's where he is right now because that's where he wants to be. At home, watching porn and John Wayne and doing absolutely nothing.

We're eating Ramen until my payday and all he can think about is he doesn't have any cigarettes. His answer to this obstacle is to get rid of HIS things (the cars and boat deal are his things, not mine so not that big of a hit for me) instead of realizing the obvious choice of getting his butt in gear and changing his situation. I even tried steering him toward that conclusion like I have again and again and it was taken lightly...just a "yeah."

I really am over it now. I even started to dabble around looking for possible roommate situations for myself. I just can't do this anymore.

My love for the man is gone now. All that is left is a shell of the man I loved and once considered my personal hero. A no-nonsense go-getter who loved me is no longer.

And don't get me wrong, if you're a new reader this isn't all about the money. Really it's a small thing, we were always scraping by to begin with...but we were making it and we were happy.

It's just that my cares, wants, needs are no longer being filled. He's made it very obvious the kind of life he's wanting to proceed with and I need stability. Both relationship-wise and financially.

At one time there was both. Then the relationship became rocky, we were still alright financially and working on the former. Now both is gone, and he doesn't seem to care.

I've got some thinking to do, and I need to make sure where my priorities lie. Whether I want to keep trying to salvage this or if it's truly all downhill from here.