What I Deserve

It's funny the lessons that you can be shown and the circumstances in which they arise.

I had a pretty fulfulling day at work. I was finally able to put other things aside and actually do the job that I was prescirbed. After so many weeks of only being able to half do it, the process felt good. It only took a major move to make it necessary but I'm not complaining.

The biggest part of today though happened later in the evening...after I had watched "America's Most Smartest Model" and finished off with "Desperate Housewives."

When I came home, I ate dinner with the beau and watched whatever it was the beau was watching and enjoyed it with him. After dinner, I moved over to my viewing spot and watched my Tivo'd "Smartest Model" and then proceeded to do some reading online. I watched the mandatory "Housewives" and then went to the bedroom to do some reading. Since I've been away from the Craft for so many years I really needed time to read and gather my sensibilities about me. Not sure if that makes sense, but it allows me to to reconfirm ties I once had and connections I'd forgotten.

But anyways, my last hour before bed I was wanting to read. I go into the bedroom, light up some incense and start to cue up some ambient music on Itunes Radio. Even when I was in college these two things really allowed me to focus whenever I was studying.

The beau then comes into the bedroom and states that he's going to bed. I think that's alright because he's come into the room before with the same request while I was reading and he'd just lay down and go to sleep and I'd continue on my deed till I finished it.

Just a note, because of the person I am I like to keep a "to do list" in my head of things I want to get done before I'll give myself the privelage of sleeping. I'd done everything up to this point other than my reading.

So... I lit the incense and I was cueing up the music and he comes out of the bathroom and says that's it's alright if I'm reading but "this has to go." Indicating the overhead light. The only other light source in the room is the parlor light next to his side of the bed and so this makes reading in the room that much harder if not impossible.

Then he says..."or you can just go to bed with me." And I'm umm..."no, I'm reading." This is what I want to be doing this later and I'm doing it. I pick up my incense and book and move into the now empty living room.

I sit down, set up my music, incense and open my book. The puppy then begins to look at me with those big puppy eyes and begins to whine. A sure indication she needs to go out. I'd only taken her out maybe 2 hours ago and so now I'm frustrated.

I take her out and really am treating her like the warden bringing their prisoner out for a mandatory respite out to civilization. I stand on the porch with my flashlight and lightly scold her for not getting on the grass immediately and then I catch myself and stop to think.

I know I've just been inconvenienced a couple of times in the last hour or so....but why take it out on them...they're in their rights. It is 11pm and the beau needs to be up in the morning, so it's probably best that the lights are off for him...and the pup hasn't #2'd for me all day, maybe it's that time... (and it was).

I just had to get over myself and what I think I deserve versus what it is going on with the people and animals I love around me.

I spent so much time later in my relationship with the beau concentrating on what I've sacrificed on my part for our relationship, that sometimes I concentrate too hard on regaining it and forget the responsibilities and courtesies that still need to be expressed in a relationship. Even with my puppy.

I've been blessed these few weeks with insights. Whether they're from myself being more open or a cordial slap to the face by the Goddess, I have recognized where I'm at fault just now.

I may have sacrificed parts of my former life, but I can't forget that I share a life with other individuals and to deny them their general wishes because I'm trying to ragain my past is not right of me. i need to make better use of my time so that I can get my "list" done and still accomodate the basic wishes of those around me.